Rhythm of my Funk

Things That I Want You To Know .

2011-08-19T18:39:00.000+08:00

Alright .
It's been a long time since i've blogged .
I guess it has gotten old, yea ?
Now, I believe that truly nobody reads my blog anymore .
And I have an issue that's weighing down my mind ever since the previous night .
That's why I wanna blog about it .

Recently .. nah . Yesterday, I was on my way to my old secondary school .
I saw 3 people walking in the opposite direction .
One guy . One Girl, and her female bestie .
Here's the deal : The Girl, I used to love her wholeheartedly .
As we got nearer, somehow she went a different path as opposed to her bestie .
That's why I only managed to talk to her bestie, but not the Girl .
I got a message about an hour after, from the Girl .
See, she would never drop me a text .
So when she did, I thought that, " Yea, I could have always expect that from you ."
So what did she say in the text ?
---
You didn't smile nor look at me .
I thought we were friends .
You could have told me if you wanted us to be strangers .
---
Fuck it .
I was thinking hard .
I could have just replied her rashly, but I paused to think .
Even if I replied her, I wasn't ready to reply to her subsequent messages .
Because according to my knowledge of her, she would take it as an opportunity to sever friendship ties with me,
once and for all .
I've moved on .. but I wasn't ready to totally break it off with her .
A part of me, a huge part, still wants her badly .
That got me thinking .. Even till now, why do I still have this feeling for her ?

Really, why do I have feelings for her ?
I accepted that she broke my heart, because when a girl doesn't love you, she doesn't love you .
I can't just wallow in the fact .
I used to think that one sided love is foolish.
I guess i'm a fool, for having loved a girl for soo long, but not getting the feelings I had for her reciprocated .
So after 2 hours, I finally pressed that button , ' Send ' .
It took me a lot to press that button .
I decided to be sort of .. indifferent .

Turned out, we kinda replied each other once every 2 hours or so .
The conversation didn't last long, but every single text that we sent each other were .
She asked me whether I was angry with her .
It stuck me that I really don't know how to answer her .
A simple question yet I struggled to present an answer .
She told me this .
---
I know I broke your heart .
I know I made you cry .
I was heartless for doing all that .
You have every reason to be angry with me, even hate me .
I can still feel the sense of guilt whenever I see you .
You don't understand how much it hurts me knowing how much I hurt your feelings .
All the more it makes me feel miserable .
Whenever I read the last letter you gave me, I end up crying .
I find myself bitchy in many ways .
I don't know how to make it up to you .
I have been constantly thinking about you .
I have always wondered how you are doing and all .
You have made such a big impact in my life, such that the guilt is killing me from inside .
I'm sorry Shahrul .
It has always been my fault .
---
Dear Girl,
I have never seen you at fault .
My heart aches terribly, but I have never blamed you for that .
Instead, I took it to my stride and learn from it .
That in the game of love, one can get gravely hurt .
Moody was my mood after that incident, if not sad .
One thing perplexes me .
Even a guy like me can get confused ..
Like you said, I have every reason to hate you and be angry at you .
To not look at you .
To find disgust in a girl who toyed with my feelings .
But the thing is, Why do I not feel all those which I mentioned towards you ?
Am I just forgiving, or is it that I still love you ?
That was the reason why I told you in my last text to postpone the conversation that we were having at 2 in the morning .
I told you that I won't suppress my thought and feelings for you, but I just can't bring myself to say it at that moment .
I couldn't .
I wanted to .
But I couldn't .
I wasn't ready to have the entire conversation with you .
Why does things strike me all of a sudden ?
Like the time when you left me ..
Like whatever that you were telling me yesterday .
I struggled to get myself back up when the fact slapped me in the face hard .
Yea, things are somewhat awkward .
But we should put it aside to communicate with each other .
.. That's why I want to make things clear, given this opportunity that God has given me .
That God has given us .

They say that its best to leave certain things unsaid, as they'd be the ones felt greatly .
I wanna tell you a lot of things .
Just like how I did when I wrote that Last Letter to you .
But would it all be worth it ?
Because from the way I see it, you don't love me dear Boo .
You don't seem to love me .
Why do I love someone soo much when the other party doesn't love me .
Am I like a saint ?
Hey listen, I wanna let you know .
Know some things .. which I have been deliberating on whether should you know about it or not .
Would it even make a difference if I tell you about it .
Would it bring us any closer if I let it out in the open .

Dear Boo, I miss you gravely .
I feel like I need you .
I want to love you .
I've went with other girls ever since, but I can't help thinking about you .
What is it with you, I wonder .
I literally think about you every day .
I did the things I do, because I love you .
Loving you have made me into a more likable character, TO MYSELF .
They say that it hurts to see someone you love with another person .
I didn't want to assume things, but my body totally felt different when I saw you with that guy .
I ain't saying he's the guy you like or in love with, but I can't help feeling pricked in the heart .
I really want you to love me .
I really want you to want me .
But I don't and I won't force you .
I won't even coerce you .
If I want you to love me, I want you to love me wholeheartedly .
If I want you to be my lady, I want you to love me genuinely .
If I want you to want me, I want you to need me .
I wanna be your soldier, your friend, your lover .
I wanna be the one you have quarrels with .
I wanna be the one to comfort you .
I wanna be the one you run to .
I wanna be the body that you call Your guy .
If you don't love me, I shall not force it .
I won't control things that I deem shouldn't .
One can't force love .
I'll take it as my own fault for even loving you in the first place .

I wanna be your boyfriend .
I want you to be my girlfriend .
I'm always trying to work it out . You know it .
It's just that every single word that i've typed here ... I don't know how to tell it to you .
I don't want you to leave again .
I'm afraid that if I say something wrong, everything is over .
Really girl, I don't wanna mess this up .

Having said all that, I .. I don't know .
You're feeling guilty .
But it doesn't mean you love me .
You just want to make it up to me because you've hurt me after everything that i've done for you .
So that you would feel better and get rid of the guilt .
But it doesn't mean you love me .
You constantly think about me, and wonder how I am and all .
The guilt was what that have been making you think about me, because I've made a big impact in your life .
But so what ? It doesn't mean you love me .
You care about me, that's why you feel hurt knowing how much you hurt my feelings .
But it doesn't mean you love me .

I think that at the end of the conversation that we're gonna have ..
I would lose you for life .
Please please please, I don't want that to happen .
Sometimes I rather be left hanging not knowing whether you still have feelings for me or not,
than to know that you don't and declare us Over .
But I don't want you to love me because you feel guilty .
I hope to make something out of this opportunity .

Things That I Want You To Know .

2011-08-19T18:18:00.000+08:00

These are my Goals

2011-06-23T00:37:00.000+08:00

Okay now, let's get this post started and finished quick .
I'm listening to Stereo Love by the way .
I like how the chorus sounds .

Listen, I want to be success-minded .
Thus, I want to develop a mindset aimed for success .
I want to be good at everything .
I know people say that one can't be good at everything .
But I want to be good at everything .
Let me be ambiguous as for now, it's alright .
I believe that at least having that kind of mindset will get me closer to discovering the multiple talents that i possess .

Listen, I want to have a lot of friends of whom I am very close and affectionate with .
I want to see myself being in that position in .. by my 3rd year of polytechnic .
Currently, those of whom I already am quite close and affectionate with are:
Jun Jie
Adlina
Faqih
Syahrul
Douglas
Rosyiidah
Filiah
Azila
Muhaimin
Hairi
Shaun Sng
Danial Arun
Okay fine, I kinda already have a lot mentioned above .
It's probably won't end if I continue .
So how am I gonna ensure that i'll make close,good, affectionate, loving, fun and caring friends by 2014 ?
I am gonna make more new friends .
I am gonna treat my existing friends with love and give them attention .
I want them to know that they can rely on me for a friend .
Okay, possible .
How am I gonna maintain closeness with my friends ?
I'm gonna check on them every other month .
I'm gonna share stories and my past daily encounters that are interesting .
What else .. what else ..
I can't think of anything else to consider now .
For now, that will be how I am gonna make close friends by 2014 .

Listen, I want to graduate with a Diploma Plus .
With a Diploma Plus, I would be preferred over someone else who only has a diploma when finding a job .
How am I gonna achieve that ?
I'm gonna pass every single module that I am and will be taking throughout my course in Polytechnic .
I'm am gonna put focus on every single subject that I am and will be taking .
I'm gonna spend time to study each module for the first time, followed by subsequent times to reinforce my understanding of the topics covered .
What if I face difficulties on certain topics ?
I'm gonna find help to help me overcome that challenge .
I'm gonna use online reference such as Wikipedia and Google to research about the particular matter .
If still not understood, i'm gonna ask from my friends and classmates .
If still not understood, i'm gonna ask my teacher .
If still not understood, i'll revise over and over again until I get it right .
I will . No doubt about that . My brain is efficient .
I will be competing with a lot of students to attain the Director's List for Diploma Plus .
I NEED to be competitive .
I NEED to be efficient .
I'm gonna check for updates on Blackboard and Hotmail very often .
I'm gonna do my reports for Biology and Tutorials for Chemistry & Math .
What else .. what else ..
I can't think of anything else to consider now .
For now, that will be how I am gonna graduate with a Diploma Plus .

Listen, I want to have a nice Masculine Physique .
I've had enough of guys flaunting their strength or bigness of their body .
I need strength . I want to be MORE useful .
I'm so fucking gonna bulk up my body and shape it up clean .
I have started going to the gym regularly .
When school starts, I would only have time to visit the gym on Saturday mornings .. Or is it ?
I end school 'early' on Mondays, Wednesdays (When there are no GMs) and Fridays .
I will have time to go to the gym . Alone .
I'm still not confident enough to go alone . I need assist for some exercises I do .
So i'm gonna go to the Fitness Corner at Vista Park on Monday, Wednesday and Thursday nights .
The only weights I an find there will be my Own Body Weight . It's okay, that'd still be sufficient .
I just need to do more .
Fuck, I NEED to DO . Fuck the more, I just need to DO .
Oh, I NEED to be Consistent .
I've researched about the types of muscle fibers .
I'm gonna aim for Type B2 for every muscle group I train on .
I'm gonna drink my Protein Shakes consistently .
I'm gonna eat regularly by cooking eggs and eating with bread if I have no other choice .
I will eat at least 10 eggs a week, 2 per day .
What else .. what else ..
I can't thin of anything else to consider now .
For now, that'd be how I am gonna achieve a more Masculine Physique .

Fuck it, fuck fuck fuck .
I want to be good at everything .
I really want that mindset .
I want to achieve .
I really want to achieve .
(By the end of this song, I have already listen to In Da Club repeatedly . Totally sets the mood for this .)

The Times ..

2011-06-13T18:46:00.000+08:00

Heyyy ... it's been a while .
I've been going through some rough shits of the mind lately .
Teenager . You know .
I wanna blog about it .. probably'd be a good start .

Alright .
As I always do ;)

I'm gonna have a 3 days 2 nights camp starting from tomorrow .
It'd be the SCL Club's Recruitment Drive Camp .
I've only thought about the meaning of the name now .
Recruitment .. somewhere along the camp, there'd be an interview conducted for everyone .
That is whether to put us in the Sub-Committee or Exco-Committee .
I remember blogging with such gusto that I wanna run the school .
Well, this is my chance right here .

I've just missed another camp of mine called A-Team's Back To Basics Camp held for 3 days .
Well, I thought of skipping the camp initially .
Despite having paid like a fucking $27 .
Kinda stupid .
Then again, I fell sick during that very period .

The thing about me is, I got discouraged .
I want to be part of the fun crowd .
I've taken approaches which i've never tried before, and it all failed .
Perhaps I should have never spare a thought and stick to the introverts or loners ?
No . Totally clashes with my principles .
Then again .. because of that, I feel miserable .
But i've thought through it .
I shouldn't let that stop me from being happy .
I need to feel happy with myself . Only then whatever occurs around the universe won't faze me .
I guess I must believe whatever that I do will lead to something good .
If it doesn't, then let me just live life .
The saying goes, Leave everything to God .

Recently, i've joined Students' Union .
See, just like what i've mentioned a few months ago .
I've applied for a last minute interview to be part of the organizing committee for the National Day Lunch Concert 2011 .
I applied for Program Coordinator .
I got it .
But I rejected the position .
Pretty 'lol??', huh ?

I wonder what have been stopping me from doing such things .
I've been given opportunities .
Okay, maybe I was ridiculed and humiliated in front of the whole institution during one of my A-Team duties .
That was a fucking bad experience I had .

Let me see what problems or any sort of inhibition I have that stops me from having fun and feeling confident and happy .
...
- I don't have much fun with my classmates, as was back in my secondary school .
- I don't have a lot of friends that want to have fun with me .
- The thought of Boo .
- I'm fucking agitated with people just going 'Okay can' in group discussion .
- I don't feel like a GUY much .
- I not heard .

The logical thing to do is to rectify everything on the list, right ?
I know !
But why haven't I been doing that ?! Fuck ah fuck !
I guess I grew too emotional .
I'm taught to not believe horoscopes, but as I recall what I read about 8-9 years ago ..
I'm a Leo . I'm very sensitive .
FUCK . I believed that . FUCK .
My sister told me one thing that totally made me not to believe horoscopes .
"If the horoscope says that you're gonna die tomorrow, are you gonna believe it ?"

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm in the position of greatness .
I haven't realized that.

Stopping To Stare

2011-05-19T20:23:00.000+08:00

Alright .. It's been a while .
... Here's what it is.
When they say that one learns something profound and pertinent to oneself every once in a while, they ain't shitting .

Poly have been alright for me .
Everything has been awesome .
But i'll be lying if I say there ain't shit that have been going down .

Being a teenager, i'm bound to have some issues .
Currently, its for me to fit in .
I realise that I don't fit in with the culture of ..
I don't whether to say my class or Polytechnic .
I don't share the same characteristics .
I love, listen, write raps .. But nobody else does.
I've written a lot of raps in my life the recent few years that have passed .
I showed them to people .
I showed them to friends .
"It's nice ."
Maybe i'm asking too much, but that's not what I wanna hear .
So far, hardly anyone knows how to appreciate my works .
I've even asked the wrong crowd to assess my works .. Come on,
what do they know about Rhyme Structure, Wit, Multies and all that in a rap verse ?

I want to see myself as a sophisticated guy, with an affluent manner of speech, suave conduct etc ..
But being in my community, hardly anybody gives a shit to all that .
I try very hard not to incorporate all those Singaporean Dialect into the way I wanna say things .
But whereever I go, my environment doesn't allow it .
Till now, i've been reluctant to conform to my environment .
But you know what ? It's not easy .

That's why I feel more miserable than I ever was before .
I thought that perhaps a change would be nice, being with people like me .
I ain't saying that everyone else isn't worth my presence, nor am I being cocky .
Because what i'm saying may have a degrading sound to it towards those of whom aren't like me .

My class .. they are a great bunch of people .
I have to admit .
We help each other out academically .
Like what homework to do,
or the answers to get full marks for quizzes .
There ain't nothing wrong with them .
It's .. just me .

Let me re-evaluate myself .
I noticed that it's easy for me to make friends .
I was friendly, approachable and everything good to everyone .
That was how I quickly made friends with my classmates .
But after a while ..
That was it .
See, I even got people whom were 'out' to be 'in', or at least closer to the class .
But, I just don't feel that my actions are worth it .
Yea, God knows .
But i'm really sorry to say that it's not enough for me .
I don't know how sinful it may be by saying that but hey, You know me .

They say it takes time to find the right friends for you .
Well, I have not .. ever since secondary school for that matter !
Homie D and GQ were the ones whom I was closed to, and I could really communicate and hang out with them .
We can talk . I feel comfortable .
But we hardly have time for each other now .
My Npcc mates .. we got along really well last time .
But, time parted us .
And I didn't really do anything about it .
So I learnt to always keep in touch with friends whenever I can before I lose that connection with them, despite remaining as friends .
But I never learn my lesson .
Why ?
My emotions always pull me down .
My situation just puts me into a moody, solemn state .

It is said in my religion that True Happiness is in the Afterlife .
Well, okay .
But that doesn't mean that I can't try to be really happy here in this world .
I fail almost everytime .
But I wanna try again .
Yea, those who are more pious than me would always take comfort with the Afterlife thought .
And they would give answers like," True Happiness is in the Hereafter; All this is temporary ."
Well, it welllllll didn't help me to feel better, not even a bit .
I don't want philosophical answers .
It doesn't help me .
All those answers are there to comfort THEM, but not me .
Fuck .
This is something I can't discuss to any Malay friends .
Because most would shunt this and would develop a negative perception of me .
Fuck .

The guys whom I hang out with after every Friday Prayers ..
Yeah, we still meet each other after every week .
But I honestly can say that it wouldn't make a difference if i'm not part of the clique .
So another issue has been surfaced: I still feel Insignificant .

A-Team .
Somehow I feel more of detached than the opposite .

With all that ..
That's why till now, even though you people see that I hardly am without friends,
I still say that I need some friends .
I guess this is my pursuit of happiness, huh ?
I.. just don't know what to do .

Rap: Leaving

2011-05-01T15:24:00.000+08:00

Rap: Leaving

The holidays are over, my gears have rusted
school have started, and ten years have passed, it
feels like everything happened so fast, shit,
chills went down my spine,
next thing that I know i'm meeting my brand new peers and classmates !
I'm gonna start twenty-eleven with a new drive
and I won't often see my old friends anymore when I start my new life
and even though we do lose sight
of each other, here's a news bite,
I shouldn't be forgetting bout' the ones that I have once knew, right ?
Spent so much effort on tryna build good rapport that I can cry
like how a torn piece of painting would drive an artist crazy
I wonder how my future days'll be,
because the start is always hazy, and that's the reason why my heart feels heavy
Its just another obstacle to me that God throws
but I got to know that when you got to go, it means that you got to go so,
enough have been said, Life made a statement and it states
"That was it, mate . Move on because your future, it ain't gon' wait !"

[Ean]

Instrumental used: Right Above It - Lil Wayne ft. Drake
Verse focus: 3rd .

Yeaaa, that was it .
Hahaha .
I'm on, yet another, collaboration with Izzie .
This time, the theme of the rap song is Leaving .
We're still in the process of everything .
Meanwhile, i've just completed my verse .
Somehow, I feel the need for another verse .. but we'll see how it goes first .
Send me a text and don't tell me my verse was good or okay la, you know what i'm saying ?
Because you'd say that to me for every verse that I'd post in the future -.-
Aha !

Alright, be cool .

1st Week of Polytechnic

2011-04-24T23:17:00.001+08:00

Alright .

Hey ! It's been almost a month since my last post .
Man, i've been busy .
I miss blogging .. Yeaaa (:

So let me start off by typing down my first week of Polytechnic life .. for the record (:
Yeaaa, first week has been great .

Poly Aspect: Class
My classmates are pretty bonded with each other .
Of course, there seem to be cliques forming .. D:
And those who remains passive are starting to lose that connection .
I have classmates with great personalities .. but I also have some with weird personae .
Serious shit . Hahahaa .
Hmm .. i'm the only Malay guy in my class :(
Hmm .. there's one female Malay in my class .
So you see, we rely on each other to converse in Malay :D
So for the first semester, i've been appointed as the Class Representative for my class, PS1101 .
Well .. it was more of like, I volunteered -.- Heh .
That's totally fine with me; I want to develop my leadership skills whereever possible . Yeaaa (:

Poly Aspect: CCA
There was a CCA Fair names Club Crawl that was held on the 20th-21th of April 2011 .
It was named as such because .. hahaa, i'm sure you can interpret the metaphor .
Anyway, there were a lot of CCAs to choose from .
Ranging from
Sports,
Clubs,
Societies .. etc .
I've decided to join :

1. Students' Union

2. Ambassadorial Team (A-Team)

3. Emcee

Yea technically, i'm already part of the Students' Union upon enrolling into the school .
I have no idea why, but I figured I should just join .
My purpose of joining those CCAs is to

-Build and expand my social network

-Forge new bonds with potential friends-for-life

-Cultivate my leadership skills

-Participate in the affairs of the school

.. which ultimately leads to self improvement ^_^
I hope to succeed in those CCAs of which i've mentioned and make the best of my non-academic life .

Poly Aspect: Campus
The institution is basically .. huge !
It compromises of many different schools/faculties all over the campus .
Lets talk about the canteens ..
The food sold is pretty cheap !
You can find many different kinds of stalls .. bubbletea, waffles, pancakes .. you name it !
Oh yea, you can even find MacDonalds there !
I would only intent to purchase food from Mac like, sparingly .
I gotta start saving money .
So basically, i'd most likely be having my lunch at the South Canteen . Find me there yeaaa (:

Poly Aspect: Lesson
So basically, the term 'subject' is called 'module' in Polytechnics .
I have like 7-9 modules ..

Human Biology

Cell Biology

Introduction to Clinical Trials

Introduction to Pharmaceutical Practices

Mathematics for Life Sciences

Scientific Writing & Presentation

Physical & Inorganic Chemistry

Basic Mandarin

Teamwork & Network

So yeaa, that adds up to 9 modules ! And those are for Semester 1 only !

Well, i've purchased my very own laptop just yesterday (:
It's great to call your own laptop .."Yea, that's MY laptop."
Hahahaa ! :D
Though .. I kinda suck at IT .
I mean, I only knew how to surf the internet . LOL .
But i'm learning more and more of how to handle my laptop slowly (:

Hmm .. I can't believe that i'm in poly now .
The atmosphere is different from that of secondary school's .
There are like, soo many people .
Back in secondary school, I used to be able to recognise about 90% of the student population .
Currently in poly, it's more of like 0.9% D: Hahahaa .
Well, slowly Shahrul .. You'll know more people as the days go by ^_^

Well, i'm the kind of person who doesn't like to lose fond memories ..

That's why I have the tendency to keep any tangible objects just to be able to relive memories situated with the memento .
.. And that's also the reason why I keep a lot of junks . Hahahaaa .
Guess that's what you call objects that holds Sentimental Value ;)
If there's one thing that I want to relive from my past,
I would like to go back to secondary 2 .. back in my prime .
I could have skyrocketed in reputation, build relationships with people of all ages etc .
It was just that I became iffy of myself and fell into the abyss of depression ..
As flowery as that may sound, depression ain't something to be trifled with .
Don't fall into depression if possible .. because the effects lasts longer than what you would be able to take .

Anyway, I want to let this out my chess .
I love this girl .
It took me a while to finally have such feelings for her .
But when I do, I found out that her heart belongs to someone else .
My god .. I was devastated .
That was the first time I ever felt Heartbroken .
The feeling .. it isn't a pleasant sensation to have .
Your chest ..
Your mouth .. kinda pouted automatically ..
And your eyes .. It was like a waterfall even though I shut my eyes tight .
Like every other relationship-like-love stories, mine was a long one .
... I really yearn for her presence .
But she kinda moved on .. like 4-6 months ahead of me .
So all along, it was a facade .. so to speak, I was being played on !......................
I was like. ..... the fuck ? Not fair sia .. Hahaaa .
I don't want to be bitter about it .
So I accepted it relatively quick soon after the day of confession .
Yea, I accepted the fact .
But my heart still doesn't acknowledge it fully .
.. Do you know what the remedy is ?
Friends .
Take my experience for it for those experiencing similar instances, alright ? (:
Hey, I wish her all the best in life ^_^ (.. and to your future relationship)
Now I need to focus on mine . I can't dwell on what's gone forever .
Yeaa .. so listen .

I'm gonna find myself a girlfriend . I believe this is the time for relationships .

Alright, that sums up what has been on my mind of late .
At this point of time, i've pretty much done most of my To-Dos .

I've washed my clothes .

I've washed my bag .

I've washed my shoes .

I've printed and photocopied necessary documents .

I've configured my laptop to a certain extent .

I've collected papers and notes for my juniors but have yet to collate them .

Hmm .. okayyyy . I'm starting to proscrastinate .
I want 8 hours of sleep tonight .. so I gotta sleep now !
I'll update about my life more frequently from now on, yea ?
Alright, be cool .

Rap: Coward

2011-04-01T15:35:00.001+08:00

Recently, I wasn't proud of myself for not doing something that I should have .

Rap: Coward

Would you rather risk your own life for someone else's sake

and stand for what you is think right instead of keeping yourself safe

well I would but I didn't, and I can't deal with the fact

cause I could have done something but I didn't, fuck, now I feel like a fag

It never should have matter though he was way bigger than you

it shouldn't matter even though he got his head to swell and it blew

cause if his fists started to talk,

it gave an ominous clue that he wanted you to walk in a fight;

shouldn't be scared to fight too !

This rap ain't about being the better guy

it's about not being cowardice, cause the next time that I am, I think I rather die

I need to slap my face like how I would whack a fly

to be a little bit braver if I ever get a second try

Fuck it, it makes you mad if you did something you shouldn't have done

but even more if you didn't do something that you should have

I'll never be that way again,

made me feel like a toot ass,

bravery is a quality that every gentleman should have .

Vocab Recap: Z,Y,X,W,V

2011-03-30T03:03:00.000+08:00

I want to strengthen my vocab .
If you still don't understand,
then what i'm saying is I don't need to learn complex words to be strong in vocab .

Words starting with Z:
Zany - Ludicrously comical / Clownish
Zap
Zip
Zeal - Eager desire/ Passion
Zealous - Passionate
Zebra
Zero
Zest/ Zesty
Zinc
Zoo
Zombie
Zone
Zoonosis - Any disease of animals communicable to humans .
Zygote

Words starting with Y:
Yard
Yatch
Yakult
Yamaha
Year
Yearn
Yearbook
Yeast
Yellow
Yeoman
Yeti
Yew
Yield
Yo-yo
Yodel
Yoga
Yoghurt
Yolk
Youth

Words starting with X:
X-ray
Xylem
Xylophone

Words starting with W:
Wasabe
Wad - A small mass/ A lump
Wade - To make one's way laboriously = To wade through a dull textbook .
Wafer
Wage
Waggle - Quick, rapid, repetitive motion .
Wagon
Wail - To mourn for / To cry
Whale
Waist
Waive - To put aside/ To dismiss .
Wake
Wallet
Wallow - To revel in something
Walnut
Waltz
Watts
Whine - Complaining
Wamble - To move unsteadily/ To feel nausea
Wander
Wand
Wane - Decline in intensity/ Decrease in importance/ To draw to a close
Wangle - To contrive to succession .
Warning
Wit
Wrap
War
Warden
Wardrobe
Warehouse
Warfare - Unrelenting conflict between competitors
Welfare
Warlock
Warrior
Washable
Washroom
Waste
Watch
Watermelon
Wax
Weak
Wheel
Weal - Happiness/ Prosperity = .. throught thick and thin, weal and woe ..
Wealthy
Wean - To discourage/ To familiarize
Weapon
Weary - Characterised by fatigue
Weather
Weave - To introduce something into a connected whole
Web
Week
Weep - to cry
Weight
Well
Wet blanket
Whereabouts
Wherein - In which
Whilst
Whirl - To spin around quickly = My head began to whirl
Whistle
White-collars - Office workers
Whiten
Whole
Window
Width
Wife
Wild
Willpower
Wither - Wilt
Wince - Flinch
Wink
Wisdom
Wishful
Wistful - Basically, sad / Characterised by melancholy
Withdraw
Without
Witness
Woe - Grevious Distress
Wolf
Womb
Won
Woo
Wood
Word
Worry
Worst
Worship
Worthy
Wound
Wreck
Wrist

Words starting with V:
Venereal

To be continued .

(: Day 25: Unveiling My Presence

2011-03-25T03:04:00.003+08:00

It has come to an end .
Yeaa (:

Unveiling My Presence

Alright !
I feel better now .
I've soul searched myself deep and thoroughly .
I won't be a damn good person, but i'll be a better person .
One thing's for sure: I have understood myself way better than I have ever did .
I feel sure of myself now .. Steady .
I feel .. confident ;D

Knowing what you want gives you a sense of direction in life .
See, it only gives you a sense of direction .
Sense .
But this is life; Anything will happen .

So what do I want ?

I wanna build altruistic relationships with people .

I wanna build relationships with people that last .
I've already lost so many people from my life .. of which i've been trying to wade into re-establishing rapport with them .
I can only put in so much effort though, because it takes two hands to clap .
I have a whole bunch of friends who doesn't seem pleased to see, talk, facebook message or even text message me .
Ahahaa, it's disheartening .
They shouldn't even be called 'Friends' for that matter !
Hmm .. it's okay . I'll be there for them if they need me ;)
(The reason why I say that is because I know none of them will ever do so and approach me .. hahaha !)
Man, I have a future ahead of me .
I shouldn't let such people pull my spirits down .
The world is fucking vast !
I'm full of love, and i'm all ready to give them out .
Take my hand, for a touch turns strangers to friends (:

Romantic love .
I've been eyeing this girl for like over a year already .
She gave me hopes .
She crushed my hopes .
So, i'm confused .
Does she likes me or not ?
Because at this point of time, i'm fucking sure I love her .
Even though she hardly has time for me, i'll wait for the day whereby she will be free to meet me .
I wanna tell her how I feel about her .
Hold her hand ..
Look into her eyes ..
With a heart oh-so sincere .
I need to know how she feels about me too .
I don't want a one-sided love story .. hahaa, shit ain't never gonna work that way . I'm just being realistic .
So if she feels the same way towards me too, I hope we could be in a relationship .
Otherwise .. I'll find someone else .
I really need to know, because we've been hanging for so long now . I can't live like that .
Yea, i'd be disheartened if she doesn't want to be in a romantic relationship with me ..
But that'd be alright . At least I will be able to finally move on .
Yea, girl . I'll be moving on .
Then, you might disappear from my life . You don't seem interested to be friends with me in the first place .
I love you . That's the reason why i've been keeping myself single and trying to make things happen between us and constantly work something out .
You just love to think negatively regarding most things between us, huh ? Haiyo . Hahaha .
I'm not dissing or degrading you, so don't think otherwise .
I'm wearing out, and I know when to quit .
But I hope you'll perhaps treat me At Least more like a friend in the future .. Remember, you have a place in my heart .
You know how i'd reciprocate, dear girl (:

"I can't give you anything you'd want .
I'm no Justin Bieber .
Sorry .
I can only give you Shahrul Andean (: "

This moment onwards, Life will be different .
Yeaa, can't believe it now that in about 2-3 weeks from now,
i'll start my Polytechnic education .
I feel nervous .
I feel excited .
I don't know what to feel !
Hahaha !
I feel rejuvenated now . I feel the energy surging through my body .
I wanna do one thing that I regretted not doing for my last year of Secondary school .
Not making the best out of my final year ..
That, only I know . Hahaa .
Polytechnic will be the last time i'll have those classmates people before I serve National Service .
Lets go, Shahrul ;D

In terms on meeting people, I feel more confident to talk to them .
I've accustomised myself into speaking fluent and good English coherently with proper articulation and enunciation .
Of course, it's a learning process for me .
But i'm resolute in my belief that I will be able to inculcate such a manner of communicating naturally .
Of course, i've learnt to speak 'different languages to different groups of people' .. if you know what I mean .
Hahahahaa !

In terms of looks, I believe i've become more handsome .
I'v learnt how to smile (:
I wanna spread joy, and smiling is just a part of the plan .
I love my style and choice of clothings .
Long sleeved .. ^_^
Forget stereotypes or fashions; I've got my own style ;)
(Of course, there are only so many types of apparels in this world . I can always be stereotyped to a specific fashion sense)

I'm an empathetic person .
I can easily connect with anyone .
Of course, the other party must allow me to feel them .
Already there are many Seemingly apathetic souls who just doesn't want any offerings from people like me ..
Or perhaps, they just don't like me or are not comfortable with me .
Oh well, too bad for them .
Hahahaa .

Honestly, I will be slightly affected by people's judgements of me .
Like for instance, one of the most common one:
I'm just confident, but people perceive me as arrogant .
What the fuckkkkk, there's no way to please people .
But fuck them, it ain't about pleasing everybody .
^_^

I procrastinate .
I know I still will in the future .
Ahahaa .
But I won't wait as long .
I will make my own opportunities .
It finally bears meaning to me now .
^_^

25 days worth of life ..
This is my 25 To Life .

This would be a longer post if I were to continue ..
I think i'll cease the typing here .

Alright .
I'm a better person now .
But i'll always strive to be an even better person in the years to come (:
One important quality I need to always possess; Humbleness and Modesty .
Okay, those are two qualities .
But they're similar in context .

Kayyy !
This blog will no more be private .
Allow me to make this place a better place to live in (:

(: Day 24: Spontaneity

2011-03-24T22:49:00.001+08:00

I'm rhyming on a cypher beat,
the beat is too fast which makes me tired,
so I think I have to have a seat
It's a pretty simple beat, kept being repeated
But the flow of the beat's wicked,
something like this is what i've always needed
to regenerate my brain, because my brain is like a leaf
and this leaf of mine has partially withered .
I'm feeling so sick now, i'm really feeling ill
and i'm mean the fever and sore throats, you know the deal
it a terrible experience, you know how it feels
you're sweating like a pig, but you're always getting chills

I swear I rapped all that within less than half a minute at least, before typing them down .

Spontaneity

That's the topic right there .
Alright, lets get this post started .
To be able to think on your feet .
To be able to conjure up excuses when required .
To be able to play along when hinted .

Honestly, I don't know whether it's an innate ability or just a random trait .
But what's random, right ?
I don't think i'd know how to train this trait of mine .
I used to be great at it .
Now .. I want to strive to be better at it .
So one might ask me why I like to rap .
Spontaneity in activities is something that I like to soak my head into .
You'll never know what you can deliver or say while rapping .
And it's really quite fast-paced, so it always tickles my mind when I rap .
More specifically, freestyle rap .
Usually, I would have the mental blocks .
You know ?

People love surprises .
Its the colour to their dull lives .
Of course, some don't like the idea because of fear of humiliation .
Or 'My planned life gets out of place' .
I like surprises, but those of which could be respected .

So the highlight of this post: Spontaneity adds livelihood .

Alright, let me get back to where I left .

I know i'm feeling sick and I should take some medication
if I deteriorate, i'd end up being a patient
in a hospital with all those sick people
you won't know where you'd end up,
so i guess life's a riddle
or a really big question mark in the front of my mind
it's a common sight to see, i've been seeing a lot of the sign
wherever I went to, whatever I did,
I felt that the principles i had with me had never been mine
Okay, change topic
i'm kinda getting slower,
so now i'm pretty off-beat
tryna think of rhymes while rapping on this hot piece
of instrumental, but it's too fast for me, aww shit

Okay enough, lets move on .

(: Day 23: Consistency

2011-03-23T00:39:00.000+08:00

Ahaa hahaha !
This is like one of the most important peculiarities that surrounds me ever since .. forever !
I need to cultivate this into one of my idiosyncrasies .

Consistency

Yea, it simply means doing or maintaining something for a given or prolonged period of time .
It's been a while since i've caught up with the dictionary .
Let me see what words I can conjure at the top of my head, in alphabetical order and as much as possible .
Of course, not common ones .
A: Alien Apek (LOL -.-, kay seriously ..) Apathy Anatomy Analyse ..
B: Bollywood Beseech Brevity Bipolar ..
C: Conform Cartel Cipher Capitulate..
D: Desigual Disposition Disparity Digress..
E: Entity Encompass Exude Exuberance Earnest Epitome ..
F: Freckles Fraternal ..
G: G2000 Giraffe Gilette ..
H: Hallux ..
I: Indecency Illuminate Innate Intelligible Idiosyncrasy Imbursement ..
J: Japan Jack
K: Kellogs
L: L ..
M: Millenia Malfunction Mellow Melodramatic Malady Masticate
N: Nasal Nauseating ..
O: Opal Originating Oriented ..
P: Parasite Paranormal Parallel Perpetual Petulant Psyched..
Q: ??? ...
R: Retire Residence Rarity Rancid Reposte Repartee Regurgitate ..
S:Solace Solidarity Soliciting Solemn Soliloquy Shagged ..
T: Tarnish Tamper Territory ..
U: Universal Unique Unanimous ..
V: Vulture Vulcan Vulva Vice Voracity ..
W: ??
X: ??
Y: Yearn ..
Z: Zest Zone ..
Gosh, my vocabulary suck -.-
Suck to the max ! or .. (something) beyond redemption .
I've learn soo many freaking uncommon words, yet these are all that I could conjure ?
Lesson: Inconsistency leads to deterioration pertaining to linguistics .

That was one aspect of today's topic .
Lets venture further .

(Sees each other a few times a week .)
Me: Hey ! How are you brother !
Friend: Hey ! Walao wei, today got training . tough sia ! can die wor !
Me: Really ?! Why are you not dead yet ?!
Friend: Ahahaha !

(Sees each other a few times every 2-3 months .)
Me: Hey ! How are you brother !
Friend: Okay la, busy with O levels .
Me: Oh, how's your math doing now ?
Friend: Honestly, worst . I scored F9 for prelims dude !
Me: Dayum ! blablabla ..

(Sees each other a few times every 5-6 months .)
Me: Hey ! How are you brother !
Friend: I'm good ..
Me: Okay .. So how's life ?
Friend: Quite okay .
Me: Okay .. so how blablabla ?..
Friend: (Other one word answers)

So you see, failure to maintain relationships with people drifts yourselves apart .
Of course, that statement is equivocal .
But honestly, I already have a lot of such relationships .
And come on, such things happen .
Yea, i'm slowly making efforts to reconnect to them .
Lesson: Inconsistency leads to deterioration pertaining to relationships .
When I think about it, they're just not used to having me around anymore, hence the apprehensive bantering .
So to speak, I have become a stranger .. that they once knew .
But it's okay . Lesson learnt . What can be salvaged, salvaged .

I won't probe further .
I've gotten my points already .
(:

(: Day 22: Reaching Out

2011-03-22T21:21:00.000+08:00

Everything starts with Me .

Reaching Out

Ahaa !
I don't want to not be friends with anyone just because the person is a despised stereotyped .
Do you get what i mean ?
Life .
In this context, Life is about having social interactions with people .
That means strangers you'd see such as cashiers or cleaners and friends you'd see in school or outside .
It's like going out of your house .
You won't be able to meet people if you don't get out of your house .
Unless of course there are people who are willing to go to your house to see you .. hehh, very unlikely .

However, I feel immense apprehension when i'm to go to some people to initiate a conversation .. sometimes .
So why the apprehension ?
Hmm .. at moments like that,
I frequently felt that I wouldn't know what to talk about .
It's because of personal experience .. it's usually me to lead the conversation .
Yea, I had wanted to avoid awkward silent moments when I run out of things to talk about .
Hahahaa, because I wouldn't know what to do then !
But when I think about it again, it's just the feeling .
If I put more energy into thinking of a topic to talk about rather than directing the energy into making me feel stressed,
wouldn't it be better ?
Lesson: I should not worry too much .
Going with the flow has it's meaning now for me .
(:

Why should I reach out to people ?
Why should I be the first one to do it ?
If they don't put in effort, then why should I ?
Ahahaa, recognise those familiar questions ? Yeaa, I asked myself once .
A lot of people remain hard-headed with the notion that if others doesn't make the first move, why should they do so .
I figured that .. if both parties think the same way, then shit ain't gonna happen man !
And I realise that there are many such people with that mindset .
Yea, mindset .
Want me to name some of my friends ? hahaa .
Maybe people are afraid that even if they made an effort to reach out to others, the others wouldn't reciprocate much .
With that negative thinking, they would eventually think that it won't be worth it even if they try .
Read that again, ".. won't be worth it even if they try ."
I realise that there's where the mistake lies .
Yea, mistake . And I repeated that mistake a couple of times too .
See, it's fucking worth it if you try because YOU TRIED .
You wouldn't know for certain the other person wouldn't or would want to talk to you unless you ascertain it .
In this world, nothing is certain .. except for death and taxes .
Hahahaa .
Lesson: Uncertainty will hold you back .. and you WILL miss the possibilities for opportunities .

Two lessons learnt ..
Don't adhere to the wisdom of curiosity killing the cat .
You're a fucking human . Hahaha ! ;D

(: Day 21: Poetical Demeanor

2011-03-21T23:18:00.061+08:00

Day 21 ..
It has been this long .
Ahaa, I can't believe this .
.. It's time I return back to civilisation .
(:

Poetical Demeanor

I took a moment one fine evening to think about recent events that had occured in my life .
Allow me to concisely put this down .
I realise it's how you want people to perceive you . That's when you adjust your image, personality and such accordingly .
I realise it's what you like that makes you feel you . That's when you adjust your image, personality and such accrodingly .
However, what you want and how you want people to perceive you may clash .
That's where you have to priortise either one of those realisations .
Otherwise, you'd feel unsettled . You'd feel unsure of yourself .
If I may say so, it's important to have a sound grasp of yourself . That's why you need to do so .

Okay .. that was not as concise as I thought it would turn out . Hahahaa .
Honestly, it's not within my ability to be able to discern between the two realisations .
So I won't delve any further .

So where did I get the thought of having this poetical demeanor from ?
I realise I feel like I can really get into the mindset of being poetic .
I may not say all those poetical words .. but I feel that I am able to exude that feel ..
That feeling of how I feel often .. it's like the feeling of having something deep and meaningful to think about .
That's why i'm never bored (;
I want to make it a point that when I talk, I want to be distinguished as myself .. not some other people .
To do that, I need to be able to make a name for myself .
Of course, within the different communities that i'm in .
And yea, I should be afraid to do so .
I want to step up and not be afraid to be cool .. do you know that feeling ? Hahaa .
Hmm .. I will make that happen .

Now I have a pretty good idea of how comfortable I could feel
whilst making people form a particular perception of me (:

Day 20: Public Facade

2011-03-20T03:11:00.001+08:00

Alright .
I'm gonna make this quick .

While posting this, i'm listening to Wiz Khalifa's Black And Yellow .
He's a fucking nigga .
He smokes .
He has tatoos .
He suddenly became famous with this song .
The heck did he do ?
Listen to his lyrics .
Are they really what he claims to rap about ?
If not, observe the way he tried to make his life seem super awesome .
Sounding all so cool .
The fuck ?
And some people actually love him .

Hence this topic,
Public Facade .

We all have something to hide .
Say, insecurities .
An emotionally sensitive person may try to put a veil on him by portraying an indifferent persona .
Or anything that is the exact opposite of what he really is .
That is his public facade .
What's mine ?

I think it's .. hmm .
It doesn't apply in terms of personality or image at the basic sense .
I believe it's more to how I would react to sarcasm and provocative acts against myself .
When being dealt upon, aha , believe me when I say I wanna fuck the person back up .
But the thing is, I don't know how .
So I get frustrated .
See, sarcasm and provocative acts are aplenty in everyday life .
Thus, I get frusrated A LOT because I don't know how to deliver a fucking repartee to them .
But it's not a nice status to be known as a hot-headed person .
Thus, my public facade is to remain nonchalant and portray apathy .
However, the frustration has to go somewhere .. and bottled up it ended .

I keep forgetting how evil human are .
Just the other day, this girl said something too sensitive and personal out loud towards me, being in a crowd of friends .
Where was the emotional intelligence there ?
She's one fucking good example of a High IQ but LOW EQ kind of person .
To think I trusted her .
I felt betrayed .
Till this day, I kept thinking of the way I replied her .
Hmm .. I immediately ended the suspense that aroused upon the sensitive question by replying with a dead end answer .
What would other people have thought about me if I were to say something else ?

That was where a Public Facade is required .
It gives a different perception of the person being protected to others by not leaving even the slightest trace of his actual intentions .
Now this is the part which makes my life hard .
Should I have a defined Public Facade or allow it to be at the discretion of spontaneity at the particular given moment ?

I'm contemplating on the answer .. i'm contemplating hard on the answer .
I need an answer, that's why i'm willing to wreck this brain of mine .
Hmm .
I need to remember one thing; Humans Don't Adhere To Logic .
If I try to reason with the person, he/she will always try to find other aspects to counter your answers .
So to speak, 'Winning' . Do you get this part ?
Meaning, logical or not, they only want to win .
In that case, perhaps Emotional Satisfaction will do the trick .
But how ?
I must appeal to his/her emotions which in turns tell the person to stop .
But how ?
Ah .. thinking . Thinking .
Perhaps if I can get the person to have a feel of how it feels like to be in my shoes ..
Hmm .. Yea . Good idea .
Because it will make the person Understand .
That way, the person would feel the pinch .
Alright, settled .
General Formula: Make the person feel how he/she would feel when posed with the sensitive questions .

I guess I have to be wittier .

Day 19: Over Analytical

2011-03-19T01:47:00.000+08:00

Here's the deal .
I tend to over analyse, as I would believe so .
What are the advantages and disadvantages ?
Is it really useful or have I just been wasting away my brainpower thinking about stuffs ?

When I think, I would think of the effect that it would bring .
Let me give an instance .
When someone says something to provoke me, I would think .
Why is the person trying to provoke me ?
Usually, the person is just joking .
But when I feel provoked when I sense someone is trying to provoke me, usually I would .. just keep a neutral tone .
Honestly, I don't fight back .. because I don't know how to fight back .
In the actual situation, it's not about overnalysing .
But I somehow find comfort and reassurance in thinking that i'm sympathetic and rather analyse the person's actions .
The person must have either wanted to feel superior by trying to make me feel inferior; In this case, he has low self esteem .
Or the person must have supressed his anger for too long and decide to let it out on me .
I just gave two possibilities, otherwise i'll be overnalysing .
So do you see ?
I would tend to think like maybe if I keep quiet, he would think of something else .
Then friends will get involved .
Then somehow reputations will be scarred .
What will happen from then onwards .. instead of thinking of the main topic .
Hence, I tend to veer off topic .

I think I .. I just think too much .
I find security when I think a lot .
Say, organising an outing .
I must think of every single details when making one .
On top of that, I will think of the What Ifs and what to do from there too !
My, ain't it taxing on you, dude ?!

Currently, i'm not sure whether i'm talking about the main topic .
Or maybe i'm just talking about what underlies the main topic which is the issue of greater importance .
So let me conclude anyways .

[I Want To Change]
I don't want to overthink things from now on .
Yea, I should think about something thoroughly before making a decision .
But thinking about it too much and off topic will be detrimental .
For instance, I always am in a dilemma when buying drinks from the shop .
Ahahaha .

Day 18: Conversationalist

2011-03-18T13:03:00.000+08:00

-.- I've just deleted a long post's worth of words .
This is quite difficult to post .
But after contemplating about it, lets conclude and i'm gonna cultivate these qualities .

The ideal conversationalist is :
Well-informed .
Sympathetic .
Interested in life .
A person who has a sense of drama .
Moderate .
Able to draw out the other person .
Attentive .
Always in good humour .
A person who has a sense of proportion .
A person who doesn't give advices . People don't like advices .. when not being asked for .
A person who doesn't take himself too seriously .
Not argumentative .
Original .
Broad-minded .
Charitable .
An unselfish person .
Considerate .
Flexible .
Poised, chilled and laidback .
Enthusiastic or hyper .
A trifle whimsical .

In life, it's about getting people to like you .
That's why people do all kinds of stuffs or master all kinds of techqinues .
I can get people to like me . It just takes a little effort .
But I want to like people . That's what I find really hard .
But what I really want is mutual interest . That's the basis for stable friendships .

Day 17: Gratitude

2011-03-17T11:34:00.049+08:00

Lets delve in .

So in a basic sense, gratitude is about not forgetting what others have done for you .
Their sacrifices made for you, you don't forget them .
Whilst not forgetting them, you treat them well .
You treat them well, your relationship with them improves .
If any supposed backstabbing or similar occurence were to happen against you due to that person,
then you wouldn't just believe right away .
You would delve right in .
Because you don't believe the person you have gratitude towards would ever do such things to you .
When the air has been cleared, you feel glad that you didn't just jump to conclusion and attack that person .
Then onwards, you trust the person even more .
Your relationship with the person improves and 'live happily forever after' .

See how gratitude can get you in that instance ?

But here's another storyline .

Their sacrifices made for you, you don't forget them .
Whilst not forgetting them, you treat them well .
You treat them well, your relationship with them improves .
If any supposed backstabbing or similar occurence were to happen against you due to that person,
then you wouldn't just believe right away .
You would delve right in .
Because you don't believe the person you have gratitude towards would ever do such things to you .
However, the person really did done some bad shit to you behind your back .
For whatever reasons, it don't matter .
You feel like detesting the person to the max . You feel like letting go of the friendship just because of that incident .
Just becasue of that ONE incident .
You won't know what to do .
You'll be in a dilemma ; To confront, settle, forget and bury the hatchet or 'fuck him till he dies' .
You realise the person has done wonderful things for you in the past .
What can gratitude do ?
While not neglecting your 'pitiful' feelings, you decide to release the friendship, with no emotional outrage on either party involved .
That's one way to end a friendship .

After all these years, I learn that gratitude is up to the willingness of the other person .
Gratitude can be considered as a form of loan .
For instance; I help you now . I should expect you to help me in the future .
It's otherwise known as Returning The Favour .
Some people, are just bent on not wanting to have gratitude towards anyone, perhaps other than their parents .
What do you call that ? Ego ? Low Self-Esteem ? Insecurity ? I have no idea . But fuck that .

Ah . I'm just gonna get to the point .
Gratitude can be a tool .
Gratitude can be a fishing rod .
Gratitude can be a neutraliser .
Gratitude can be provoking .
Gratitude can be a burden .
Gratitude can be ignored .

.. No colours for this .

Day 16: Comfort

2011-03-16T18:54:00.000+08:00

So many aspects of comfort .
I'm going to delve into one or two .

Comfort .

At times, I would feel uncomfortable in situations which requires me to have conversations with strangers face to face .
Somehow, I don't have a problem talking to strangers most of the time when I was with my friends .
So my friends would naturally perceived me as confident and brave and outgoing in nature .
But when i'm Alone ... it's a different story .
So what is it, dude ?

I can reasonably say that comfort has a part to play .
It seems that I can communicate well and more confidently when i'm around people i'm used to .
Ahaha . I guess it won't be a surprise to most people .
I knew that too, but it has never held meaning to me .
It seems that i'm comfortable being with them, and that leads me to become comfortable with myself .
But why can't I feel comfortable with myself when i'm alone ?

I wonder what friends have got to do with the sudden confidence in me .
Hmm .
Maybe whenever i'm alone, I can try to pretend that I have friends around me whom I am used to seeing .
Ahahaaa, suree .
But what I want to achieve is to emulate the confidence, that I portray when i'm with friends, irregardless of situation .
Now, how can I do that ?

Oh yea .. I want to surface this too before I forget .
I would also feel uncomfortable when having a conversation with a stranger .
Anyone who speaks relatively better english and technique than me usually intimidates me .
And you know what ?
I have practised many times already on my own .
But when it comes to actual conversations, suddenly my voice shrinks .
I feel like a little 5 year old boy, talking to the principal of a school .
I guess to put it in other words,
I have not developed a sense of professionalism when communicating with people yet .

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Now lets move on to another aspect of comfort: To make others comfortable being with me .

So by now, I won't deny some things .
- I kind of look like a matrep at times, a despicable image that has been condemned by my racial community .
- I look scary somehow .
- I look like I can kill a person at any moment . Ahahahahaaa . Hmm, maybe I would .
- I look and type (On Facebook or even my own Blog ) like one of those Mat Tak Menjadi .
It means a bonafide Malay guy who is seen to have a desperate desire to somehow be seen as a well cultivated person
and talk in such a way that would portray he is an educated person .... but fails .
Aha, no wonder my co .. nevermind .
Let me put it in nicer terms : How's a guy suppose to improve himself if the world keeps putting him down ?

Lets see .
-The friends that are close and considered Good to me are all looking comfortable being with me .
No problems there .
-There are STILL a few of my friends who are not .. They seem to doubt me on God knows what .
Strangers .. hmm, let me be more specific .
-Teenage strangers would probably take high caution against me, due to the reason stated above .
-Old strangers .. they're quite open .
If you're willing to talk to them, they'll be EVEN MORE willing to talk to you, accopanied by a genuine and comfortable smile (:

Okay, i've evaluated myself to a certain reasonable extent .
Now I need to come up with solutions .
How to make Everybody comfortable being around me ?
I know everybody is different .
That's why it's difficult to judge !
Since I want everybody to feel comfortable, I must make a generalisation .
Hmm ..
Oh yea, I know the advice of:
" To make someone comfortable being around you, you yourself must feel comfortable with yourself . "
But that isn't specific enough; I don't understand !

Generalisation: Be nice .
AHA . Come on dude, who doesn't know that . You can do better !

Okay, if I praise someone, he or she would think that I have ill intentions .
Come on, I can't deny that .
People would usually shrug the compliment off like," Aha, right .. " or have their eyebrows raised .
Lets face it, a lot of people are not comfortable to take a compliment and show complete comfort .
Or maybe I should take an otherwise perspective ? Hmm .
I think I should leave this part to be .
I'll learn on the go as I progress through my life (:

So hey,
[I Want To Change Myself]
I want to be more confident when talking to strangers when i'm all by myself .
I want to be more confident when talking to strangers over the phone .
Now am I going to achieve this ?
By not getting intimidated by them .
Remember Shahrul, you do not have to feel small .
Always at ease, Be cool .
Remember that, and everything else WILL go smoothly, god willing .
(:

Day 15: Disappointments

2011-03-15T23:09:00.082+08:00

I'm only human, so I won't beat myself up in being very sad in this post .

Disappointments .

I feel that i've not changed a bit even after half of this month .
That was disappointment talking; I know I have been making progress with myself .
I want to think as to why I feel very disappointed .

I feel disappointed with myself because ..

I feel disappointed with myself because I still am not able to speak good english and with good articulation and fluency .
At moments when I actually crossed path with friends when i'm outside,
my throat suddenly becomes tense .
My lips becomes rigid .
My tongue becomes cold .
My lungs tend to contract .
I couldn't get a deep breathe and resultantly my voice becomes high-pitched .
It's like I was caught off guard .. then again, I was .
I'm really thinking to myself .. Am I this hopeless ? Even after all those practise .
I had the whole of the past 16 plus years to practise man !

I feel disappointed with myself because I still am not able to feel comfortable with myself, when i'm alone in a pool of strangers .
That's when it really matters .
The thought of people looking at me and forming preconceptions of me really ticks me off .
I just know that people will judge me for how I look .
And I look like a matrep .
Black bermudas .
Black shirt .
Long hair .
I just know it . And people can't deny that they won't form such opinions of me .
Even my own friends claimed that I look like an unfriendly fuck if they had never knew me .
See ? It's all about looks .
I feel insecure . I really do .
I don't know why the hell I should feel that way for .
I should know better not to care what people think after what i've been through during secondary school .

Why do you think I would be disappointed with myself for ?

Here's how I feel .
I truly feel like screeching my life to a complete halt and rot .
Rot like, fucking ROT .
I've been forcing myself to eat everyday when I really feel like starving to death .
And this is worst; I feel like not breathing anymore for like forvever after giving up after a few attempts of conscious breathing .
It's fucking hard to do anything consciously .

Since it's hard to do anything consciously, then I don't want to even think about doing anything when i'm doing anything .

It fucking make sense there .

It's soo much easier to talk without thinking of how I would sound like .

It's soo much easier to walk around without thinking of how people might perceive me to be .

It's soo much easier to not feel discouraged and dishearterned without thinking of the disappointments .

Just Live Life .

That's the fuck why that saying is created and is being used as the motto of some people .
I guess it has a Powerful Effect despite it's seemingly short and simple words .

Dude ..
Why should you fucking care what people think of you when they walk past you ?
Especially when you're going to the neighbourhood market just to buy some stuffs .
Fuck what those old geezers sitting at the Kopitiam wasting their remaining of their lives are thinking .
Fuck what freaking makciks who walked past you thinks of you .
They Don't Matter !
Fuck the gangsters living in your neighbourhood and what they think of you when the eyes meet .
Think dude, think .
What the fuck do you have to prove to them ?!
Nothing !
And even if so, Nobody would give a fuck !
Because people are selfish and only care about what positive attention they could get for themselves !
Ahrgh ! When are you gonna stop being soo self conscious that you're even too afraid to make a move comfortably ?
You bodoh punye fuck !

Hmm . Ahahaaa .
I reckon that since nobody can scold me, why not I scold myself ?

Anyway, man .

I've been having the feeling of giving up every single time I renew my spirit to improve myself .

Something must be wrong ..

Because I should be having lesser of such feelings by now .

Hmm . Just what is it ?

It's like the harder I try, it harder it gets .

Bile nak game ?!

Just what could it be ...

Hmm .
Lets use my voice for example .
I want to improve it .
I think .. the more that I want to improve it, the more conscious I get about the way I talk when I do .
And i'm busy thinking about how I am to do this and that to sound like this and that,
that i'm having trouble with the MEANING of what i'm trying to convey at the same time .
So I shouldn't think about it when i'm talking, right ?
Then how am I going to change the way I talk ?
Ah, this is hard .

But hey, same concept applies for my breathing too .
The more I want to improve on Deep Breathing, the more conscious I get when i'm actually breathing in ..
And the harder it gets for me to breathe normally without me thinking .

I think that .. the more of something that I want to achieve, the more conscious I get .
All this while, i've been taking this level of consciousness to an extend where I feel like giving up rather than chewing bricks to dust .

Alright . I think I get it .

It means that i'm actually in the process of changing .

Because to change, it requires conscious effort .

Now that I can have the consciousness to alter myself, then I should go all the way !

Yea, nobody said it would be easy .

Alright, i'll try to be discourage less .
Even so, i'll think about this in the event I do get dishearten .

Day 14: Personal Style

2011-03-14T17:42:00.000+08:00

Not to follow other's style .
By if mine is already deemed by some people as one of the Stereotyped Personalities,
then what can I say ?

It's already my Personal Style .

I've been called upon as trying to be someone that i'm not by some people.
I don't know whether to resent that or not, because they don't know shit about me .
Hmm .. here's a thought .
Most people take the good things that you do for granted .
And if you do something bad, it will be remembered for years to come .
I have to keep that in mind .
So back to discussion point .

It doesn't help, but i'm just going to say it anyway .
You all just been in your social community where conditioned you to think that there are many of 'Me' .
And you don't see many or hardly any of 'You' .
That's what led you to think that i'm trying to be someone i'm not .
But you wouldn't consider that perhaps I AM behaving like myself, would you ?
Because naturally humans are inclined towards negative thoughts about others .
Mental note: Humans are inclined towards negativity . That's why a lot of us are as such .
Hmm . I think you might have just wanted to feel special, to boost your self-esteem .
Yea, by trying to downgrade mine .
Pretty matured, don't you think so ?
Then again, humans tend to do that at points in their lives .
Now let me criticize myself: When have I tried to put down someone just to feel superior ?
Hmm . Funny how I can't think of not even one incident .
Surely I would have done that once or twice in my life, right ?
It's either I really consciously haven't done as such or me being a human tend to think of the self as immaculate .

So what is my Personal Style ?
Let's start with Personality .
Let's see .. Let assess myself critically .
Hmm .. I really think that my traits are going to me conflicting and contradictory .
But what the heck, lets go .
I'm an outgoing person .
I like to make friends .
I find it pleasurable to talk to friends, because it fills up the void in my life .
I like to do crazy things .
I would definitely do stupid things if I have the friends to do it with .
I get shy at times .
Especially when i'm really alone at a place full of people whom I never met .
Teenagers doesn't intimidate me, but adults definitely do .
It makes me feel small .
Even more so it makes me feel like disliking attending events .
I'm an organised person .
Especially when it pertains to academics, I don't like my notes and learning materials and even concepts messy .
But at time, i'm a messy person .
My room tend to get messy with my clothes all around .
But then after a few days, I would clean my room to a perfect state of cleanliness .
... and the cycle repeats . Ahahahaa .
If i'm stereotyped, then people would go like," Of course his room would be in a mess . Dier kan lelaki ."
Ahahahaa . Babi betol .
And you know what ?
It's going to be damn long if I were to state like every single traits of myself .
Why ?
Because i'm a little bit of everything !
It's just that to certain people, certain traits of mine are conspicuous to them at certain moments .

Now lets talk about Visual Image .
Alright .
For the past 10 years, I never really focused much on image; The clothes I wear and such .
Why ?
Because my clothes were defined by the school that I enrolled into .
Ahahaha !
Yea, it means that I wear my school's attire even after school hours and at home ;p
So NOW .
I want to be seen as the Guy whom You would Approach .
Cuz for me, I can always approach anyone .
Bright coloured clothings are, well, a must .
Who would likely to approach anyone wearing full black, in the teenager community ?
See, I emphasized in the Teenager community .
I wore full black one; Black bermudas, Black shirt, Black hair, Black slippers .
And people went looking at me like ..." Better avoid that guy one ."
The fugggggggg .
Ahahahaa .
So yea, basically:
1. The shirts i'll wear from this year onwards will most usually, if not always, be long sleeved .
2. My shirts will most usually, if not always, be basic coloured only . It means with totally or very little designs .
3. My hair will be maintained long and .. black . I believe I don't have to have highlights or dye it to stand out .
4. I will remain to wear contact lens . If I were to wear spectacles, then it would be frameless .
5. This is my personal opinion: I don't find wearing shoes like Supras or those high cut shoes appropriate .
Let me emphasize on the WEARING . Yea, such shoes looks nice . But it suddenly turns me off when it is being worn .
6. For the first time ever, I WANT a birthday gift . Someone, get me a watch . Not Seiko, Adidas to say the least (:

Now lets talk about Vocal Image .
I want to have a slightly deep sounding voice .
I want to have a good quality voice, as such that I put in just enough air when i'm talking .
When I talk, I don't want to be sounding like some Singaporean nor like some african american .
You know, like," Eyh later class got what one ah ?"
or you know, like," Suupp mayneee? What's goin' down to the A my nig ~~"
Or even like," Good 'Ay, mate ! "
-.-
Seeeeeeeriously .
Lets see .
I will want an accent that's not too western yet not too asian .
Asian I mean, Malay .
Seriously, I don't want to sound like Jojojoget .
Ahahaha !

Now, I have never consolidated all these thoughts all in one to call myself .
So I tend to become too westernised, too asian, too matrep-looking, too 'fake' and all those shits people been yapping .
So hey, here it is .

[I Want To Change Myself]
I will keep it in mind this is how I really want myself to be perceived as and how I am to portray myself .
1. I will buy more long sleeved t-shirts from now one .
2. I will never cut from a barber shop anymore . AHA .
3. I will make conscious efforts to sound like how I want to sound like, by 'picturing' the voice in my head . This will be hard .
Because the voice of yourself you'll likely to hear and imagine sounds exactly like how you sound always for the past few years .
4. I want to take it easy on myself . I don't have a stereotype . Even if I do, I have many ;p

I'll end this post with a quote I found from Wikipedia .
"an individual's predisposition to think certain patterns of thought, and therefore engage in certain patterns of behaviour".

Day 13: Frustration as my Stimulus

2011-03-13T18:57:00.000+08:00

The chaotic burst of flames of a volcano .
Acid spray coming out from my mouth .
Ripping the fucking intestines out of a person .
What are all those ?

Frustration .

I'm a calm, phlegmatic person .
Non-chalant most of the time .
Cool .. and all those other words you can find the the dictionary .
But, am I what I say I am ?
Why do I WANT to be all that at ALL TIMES?

Why do I feel frustration ?
I feel frustration because of something that I keep bottled up .
I don't usually have anyone to talk to about anything that makes me angry .
I just keep it all inside .

The feeling of unfulfilled needs .
The feeling of unsaticfaction .
All leads to the feeling of frustration .

Just what am I unsatisfied with ?
I don't want to say, "I don't know" because it fucking doesn't help me .
Just what am I unsatisfied with ?
Just what is it ?
Hmm . what is it what is it what is it ?
I am unsatisfied with the way I am .
How ? Which fucking part ?

I am unsatisfied with the way my deliver of speech .
I never seem to be able to warm up my voice and especially breath control before having conversations .
It's not that I don't try .
I tried !
I have awesome articulation and control when i'm at home .
But when it DOES matters, my voice and breath control SUCKS .
How do they suck ?
I stuttered .
I have to repeat almost every single line that comes out of my mouth .
I don't know the fuck why but I feel scared to even open my mouth .
My voice becomes breathy .
The pitch becomes high .
The volume becomes softer and softer .
I feel small as a result .
This is especially especially true when I have to call some stranger over the phone .
That stranger means a person from the clinic, for instance .
Can you get any worst ?
Fuck yeah !
I tend to blank out in the mind that I won't know what to say .
Even so, I couldn't listen to what the person is saying .
It's not like ' What goes in from the left, comes out from the right ' .
It IS 'What goes in from the left, comes out from the right ' .
Then what ?
Then I feel frustrated .
Then I don't feel like talking !

I feel frustrated because I don't know whether my voice has fucking broke or not .
One moment it's low, the other it's high .
When it doesn't matter, it's low .
But when it DOES matter, it tends to get high .
Why dude, why ?! Just what is wrong ?!

I feel frustrated because my sister is asking me to do things that I really have trouble with .
Now she is becoming more and more 'successful' with her Herbalife .
My god, she is getting richer by the instance .
But that doesn't mean that she can treat me like that with money .
My god, and she's a female .
And worst, she's my OLDER sister .
Now she easily gets angry, and the whole family have to soak in her rants .
At times when I couldn't take it, I ranted at her back .
Let's look at a particular incident .
>Herbalife Event<
It's this talk hosted by some guy .
I didn't want to go .
But she asked me to follow her because she didn't have anyone to go with .
So I thought she would be alone throughout, with the exception of some small talks here and there .
But when I was there, she had friends la sial . She had !
I feel so frustrated . WHY ?
Because I fucking hate it when i'm at some event when i'm not NEEDED .
Then she said that it's for my own good, because I can start out herbalife next year when i'm of legal age .
FUCK ! She really is making me DETESTING herbalife more and more la sial !
Yeah, it's something that I can try to join to make money too .
But don't fucking lie to me into making decisions for my future la sial !
Yeah, I honestly don't know what the fuck I want to do when I grow up .
But heck, she didn't know shit what she wanted to do in life either when she was my age !

I get frustrated when anything unfavourable that involves anyone that happened to me .
Why ?
Due to miscommunication .
Due to some dumb fuck who speaks without thinking or had the intention of cause malice that evoked contention between my friends and I .
AH fuck !
Why do these have and had to happen ?
Why ? Why ?
Because I was forced to remain calm to salvage my friendship with them .
When they do realise my side of the story, they feel embarrassed .
Paisey .
Then we don't talk anymore .
BABI, tau pon malu !
Yea, it's part me to not talk to them anymore .
That's why I want to fucking delete them from my life, because they continue to believe rumours than myself .
LIFE'S A BITCH ! -.-

If you were to give me a fucking hard baseball bat and a room to crash,
I will obliterate the fucking room man ! AH !

Why manage anger when you can embrace it ?
I just fucking released my anger by typing a whole bunch of shits in capital letters, which I eventually deleted .
See, frustration gives me energy . It causes me to get up and DO something .
By far, frustration is the strongest emotional motivational push for me .
You can give me a 24 hour talk by the most motivating people in this fucked up earth, and I won't think be motivated .
It's not due to me not wanting to be motivated, it's about how far can the external stimuli get me in life .
They're just a 5-minutes-productivity .
See, typical motivation are external stimuli .
External .
It fucking means outside .
If what's on the outside doesn't influence me, then how the fuck can an external motivating stimuli push me ?
That's why I deduce that I need an internal stimulus to push myself . Something from within .

Yeah, LOVE is definitely one of the internal stimuli that can push me, but like I said,
FURSTRATION is the strongest emotional stimuli that can push me far at the moment .
I don't think I could even type this much up until now if not for me unleashing my fury earlier .
Being frustrated makes me active in the mind .
I'm a human, not some calm spiritual being .
I need to get angry . I fucking NEED to get angry at times .
Now that's how I can be PRODUCTIVE,
by using the energy to yield useful output .
Now I see it clearer .

Yeah, I can turn to drugs too but fuck you .

It's not something that I want to change myself to, but I definitely learnt something from this post .
I get hyped when i'm frustrated .
It's the momentous effect that continues after I got hold of myself in the mind .
One thing that I always need to remember is to Embrace My Frustration (EMF)
I'm only human .
I guess it's horrendously bad for me to remain calm all the way in life because I become more passive as a result .
I shouldn't be calm at all situation .
Check it, it's not can not; It's a should not .
With the energy arising from unleashing frustration, I should learn how to EFFECTIVELY convert it to PRODUCTIVITY .

Alright, lesson learnt .

Day 12: Awkward Situations

2011-03-12T13:57:00.000+08:00

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Who hasn't been in such a situation ?
Awkward situations occur quite often, especially when it involves a guy and a girl .

How do I avoid it ?
It's a question that is frequently asked by many .
Sometimes I wonder why should we avoid awkward situations ?
Maybe for me, it doesn't matter much but ..
I guess for the others, they would feel a high degree of discomfort being in such situations .

For me, I won't think of a situation as awkward .
Because I know that I will think up of a topic to talk about, being in a conversation .
I notice that people would naturally continue to keep quiet or say," okay .. awkward .." .
.. Which doesn't fucking help the situation any one bit .
I guess .. it's all you, Shahrul .

I shouldn't change myself already because I make a conscious effort to steer clear of that situation, without being my initial intention .
..
But i'll talk about what my initial intentions have always been, soon .

Day 11: While Worthy

2011-03-11T23:53:00.001+08:00

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I don't have all the time in the world to waste .
I don't have all the resources in the world at my disposal .
I don't have all the friends in the world to have fun with .
I don't have ..

Everything that I don't have, I wonder .
Why it is always said that One should focus more on what one already has ?
However, One usually focuses on what one doesn't have .
It's in a bid to get what they don't have .
So is it worthwhile to spend time, resources and attention into something that you want to have ?
Yea, sure .
But I tend to overspend those factors that I have into things that eventually 'ends' in the end .
So, have all that i've done in my entire life been worthwhile ?

I realise that I have no ultimate control to everything that I want to have .
If I would, then things wouldn't just end, right ?
I guess that's why Fate or God has the ultimate control, even over my own outcomes .
So since I can only have so much control over a situation or something that I want to achieve,
then I want to maximise that opportunity .

How do I know if something is worth the while ?
If something isn't worth the while, then why should I even pursue it, right ?
That makes sense .
Still, I don't know how to tell if something is worth the while .
Shit, anything can happen, right .

What is considered worthwhile ?
First example .
Four years of friendship before it ends .
Was it worth the while to spend my time and efforts for that friend in the end ?
I don't know .
On one hand, it's not worthwhile because the two of us would eventually end our friendship after four years .
But then again, I couldn't tell the future, whether the friendship would fail or be unsatisfactory .
On the other hand, I think it's worthwhile because I had a friend to talk to during that four years .
Otherwise, I would have one lesser friend to talk to .
I guess my window of opportunity to have as much fun with people as I can during those four years would be narrower, yea ?
Hmm ..

Second example .
Putting a girl on hold for up to a year just to consider whether to have a romantic relationship with .
She's a great girl .
Awesome, I would say .
I just like being beside her .
But I still haven't pop the question .
Why ?
I'm waiting for a better one to come along .
You see, i'm Waiting .
Was it worth the while to wait for another one to come when I could already have one that has been right in front of me all along ?
It may still be worthwhile because i'm entering polyechnic soon, as God knows who i'm going to encounter .
Then again, it wasn't worthwhile because I didn't manage to experience that teenage love once again, during my secondary school days .
I regret that ..

I'm a teenager .
I want to do stupid stuffs with other teenagers .
I want to fall in love that I know that it may never work out but hey, why not .
I only go through teenagerhood once .
Hmm .. I never did much stupid stuffs back in the days .
Imagine all the experiences and all the ups and downs that I could have gone through if I were to do as such .
I could have had the memories in me which I can share with other people,
which I can relish in retrospection .
.. :(
Of course, doing stuffs that would get me into big trouble that jeopardizes my future wouldn't be worthwhile .
Other than that, I guess my reason can be due to the rest of the above highlighted .
... yea .

Is is worthwhile to study to get as high an education as possible by sacrificing most of my teenage time into studying ?
Just to get good grades .
Make parents proud .
Graduate with a degree or higher .
It is said that my future would be secured for life .
But is it really worth it ?
Yea, it's worthwhile because I would have gotten an academic qualification high enough to secure high positions which ensures high salaries .
But then again, I don't think it's that worthwhile to sacrifice my time focusing on getting good grades
when I can focus more making friends and learning about life from that path .
Honestly, i'm not the perfect study type kind of person .
So the only way for me to get good grades is for me to invest heavily of my time into studying .
But honestly, it's not something that I want .
I feel miserable .
I really do .
I don't want a high position job which pays me high salaries .
-.- I know this sounds crazy,
but I just don't feel that it's worth it to spend half my life struggling for grades just for that sake .

Man .. I don't know how to end this post .

Recently, I attended an event by Herbalife .
I learnt something that I can apply to this post .
How do I know if something will be worth the while ?
Well, the speaker's name was Craig .
And this was what he told the audience .. "The answer is to know WHY I want to do it in the first place . "
He said that if you know why you want to do something, then the how doesn't matter .
The stronger and more personal your why is, the more likely you are going to succeed without having to worry about the how .
You know what ?
Shit, he made sense .

[I Want To Change Myself]
I guess it all boils down to whether I BELIEVE in something enough to make it HAPPEN .
Only then will my efforts be worthwhile .
That way, it won't really matter if I don't manage to succeed in achieving that something,
because I know that i've tried in doing something that I believed in .
Now, that is considered while worthy .
1. I just need to start believing . That's all there is to it .
2. Also, I should start accepting if something i've worked so hard for doesn't prove fruitful .
I should move on from there and look forward to other things .. or go depressed once again . ahahaaa .
3. Once i've started believing, I should maximise any given resources, time and effort to make it happen .

So I want to change myself but I didn't know how .
Well, I want to change because I want to be a better person .
;)
"It's while worthy because I believe so . "
- Shahrul Andean

Day 10: Kindness

2011-03-10T12:20:00.003+08:00

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Being kind has always been part of my life .
I've been kind to people on many countless occasions,
I would be severely overweight if my kind deeds are converted to fats .

So why would I want to be kind towards others ?
I never thought about this .
I just knew that being a good guy, kindness is an innate quality to possess .
I don't know why .
Maybe I was conditioned to do so .

Being kind is concurrent with being sympathetic, emphathetic, considerate, thoughtful, helpful and all those similar qualities .

I have been doing so many kind deeds .
I gave a listening ear to someone in distress, and I also wrecked my brains to actually mitigate the situation, not just feelings .
I offered tissue to random strangers when I thought that they needed it .
I accompanied friends for whatever reasons they had when I could have used my time for other more valuable purposes .
Those are just a few .

Kind deeds typically are followed by a Thank You .
How hard is it to say a simple thank you ?
I found it hard .
That's why I never had wanted help in my life .
In a sense, I was stubborn .
Egoistic I might call myself ? Ahahaa, yea . Perhaps .

I noticed that for some people that i've encountered,
they don't like to be helped too .
But for them, reason being that they don't like to feel indebted to someone .
Well for me, I have always been sincere in my deeds and I don't usually expect anything in return .
Even if so, just a simple Thank You would suffice .
But I guess it has never been that simple, yea ?
A lot of behind the scenes process occurs before, during and after someone says the words Thank You .

How often does Pride outweighs Gratitude ?
"I'm too good for that that I will never need your help !", when you are struggling like fuck doing something .
Sometimes, I can't figure out this aspect of myself .
Why is it sooo hard for me, or anyone else for that matter, to ask for help or say thank you at times ?

Smart people are never afraid to ask for help .
I saw that saying once somewhere .
From this saying, I deduce that being Smart doesn't link to Fear .
Thus, I conclude that Intelligence doesn't correlate to Emotions .
At least, to a certain extent .

Random Acts Of Kindness, a.k.a. RAOK .
There has been an initiative started by my friend, Azila, and myself .
We had that strong belief that kindness is paramount and should be given more attention to .
Meaning, people should do more Kindness in this world !
So we paired up and we went doing kind things to the world .
Here is one out of the plethora of kind deeds that we have done .
We changed some $2 and $5 notes into coins of like, 20 cents, 50 cents and 10 cents .
Guess what we did ?
I went around Woodlands Civic Centre and Causeway Point and
we pretended to not notice when we slowly drop coins onto the floor amidst the crowd .
Ahahaaa !
That was fun .
Especially when we saw a whole mass of people suddenly looking down when they heard the sound of coins dropping .
We also left coins on the rubbish bins .. toilets .. and even in some of the merchandises in stors !
Of course, kindness doesn't always have to be in monetary form .
But I got to admit it myself,
having money can really enable a person to do great deeds of kindness at a higher frequency and its easier .

Does everyone deserve Kindness ?
Hmm ..
I have some people whom I detest .
I just fucking detest them man .
One of them is this male bisexual .
The other is this previous 'good' friend of mine .
They've persistently done shit to me that I just want to call it off .
Call what ? My ties with them .
I feel like fucking killing them ..
But when I thought about it again .. They are still Human .
If I can be kind to others, why can't I continue to be kind towards those two ?
Are the things that they have done really unforgivable to you, Shahrul ?
Maybe they we not as thoughtful or caring as me .. but I guess that doesn't mean that I have to behave like them towards them .
So to speak, stooping to their level .
(But is such acts considerd as low ? I shan't talk about that now because that's not the main issue .)
If I want to be kind, I think I should be kind towards Everybody ..
I want to believe that everyone deserves some kindness .
But why ?
Hmm .. Because I want to become a better person .
That's your reason, Shahrul .

Why is Kindness important ?
I read that Kindness is a step taken towards Happiness .
Research has it that they correlate .
I think that I actualy believe this .
But at the same time, I feel that there's this term called Pride-Kindness .
.. Or something like that .
Well, I reckon that that is just Unsincere Kindness .
So at times, I wonder to myself whether I was actually performing kind deeds with sincerity or just wanting to look good in the public's eye .
Yeam I doubt myself many a times .
But I shall not anymore .

Why don't people do kindness ?
Or maybe it's fairer to ask that why people don't perform acts of kindness frequently ?
I think that this is a big scope of a question .
So basically, it all boils down to how willing a person WANTS to perform them .

[I Want To Change Myself]
At times, I doubted myself .
Was I Sincere or just Wayang ?
Do I feel Happy ?
Why Should I be Kind ?
Those were some questions I contemplated .
So hey,
1. I will be confident about my ability to perform kind acts to people because it's part of my Character .
2. I Want to be Kind because I believe that I can make my environment and peers around me into more viable personae .
3. I want to spread Kindness because I believe that it's something that I can do to alleviate the situation in this already ..'bad' world .
4. I will be kind towards everyone because I believe that everyone is entitled to such an act .

"The world is already unfair as it is .
Allow me to make this place feel like a better place to live in ."
- Shahrul Andean

Day 9: Friends & Trust

2011-03-09T21:23:00.003+08:00

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"Trust is earned ."
"It's hell difficult to earn someone's trust but fuck easy to lose it ."
Hmm ...

[So what is trust ?]
Trust is the confidence conferred to someone to be held liable to an obligation .
In my community back in the old days, trust wasn't an issue .
I didn't have to be too precautious to tell secrets to friends .
I didn't have to worry about being found out .
Trust didn't weigh as much in the past as it does now .

Nowadays, I CANNOT trust anyone .
But I wonder why I still do .
Whatever that i've said, have repeatedly been used against me .
And I know whatever I say now WILL be used against me in the future .
[But why the fuck do I still give my trust to people too easily ?]
They were my opinion of people that wasn't respected by my friends .
Friends .
This is the main issue bridging Friends and Trust: There's no real friendship without trust .
Still, we are friends with each other even though we don't trust each other .
Lets face it .
Why is that so ?

Maybe it has been due to the increasing disparity between Friends and Acquaintances .
Acquaintances; I have aplenty . I will never run out of them .
Friends; I can't give a number , because it never stays the same .
I think that i've been willing to turn acquaintances into friends, henceforth I opened myself up to people .
That's why I give them my trust .. because I WANT us to be friends .
I've been taking the first step .
Now I see it clearly .
In my experience, I know of people who up until now still doesn't trust me .
I feel disappointed because they didn't want to do the same towards me .
I don't know why .. but if I were to give an intelligent guess,
i'll assume that they didn't feel that they were regarded as important to me as they would have want me to .
Well .. it ain't about please everyone . I have to remember that .
Yea, everyone is selfish . But that isn't the main issue of this post .

Fuck, this is perplexing .
Yea, I want to have many friends, not just acquaintances .
In the end of the day, I learn that I can't have many friends because not many people are as willing as me .
Especially for guys .
Fuck, it's difficult to be a guy -.-
But I will continue to give my trust to people .
Fuck, this isn't about Trust, but I don't know how to express myself regarding this .

[I Want To Change Myself]
I believe that trust is one issue .
But what actually bothers me that totally affects my judgement of trust is the things that I say to others .
Now I see it clearly .
It's about my judgement of certain things said to people .
I didn't think of the impact that would occur when I said about stuffs to people .
People have the tendency to tell on me .. or anyone else for that matter . It's fun to do that (sarcasm) .
I have to accept that fact .
So from now on,
1. I won't tell anyone about compelling information as easily as I used to .
I've experiences many unnecessary miscommunication with people whom I regarded as friends, but went against me .
2. I will make people whom I want to be friends with Feel important .
Hmm .. Yea, I think that's definitely the underlying issue as to why people don't trust me .
3. I will keep quiet .
It's not that i'll totally not talk, but I will know when to keep quiet from now onwards .. hah .

I guess Friendship is a Game of Chess .

Do realise that not even once I used the word 'backstabbing' . Aha .. go wonder why .
And of course, the trust issue is too ambiguous . I had to pick a side .

Day 8: Public's Expectations & Self Principles

2011-03-08T01:47:00.001+08:00

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For me, i've been bombarded by expectations that i'm not willing to fulfill,
but all of which I felt I strongly had to .
Thus being said, I kind of felt .. coerced by the situation .

I hate it when i'm feeling pressurized by the public to do something .
I can't think of an example, but I think this will give an idea .
There was strong winds and the flower pot beside me toppled to the ground .
There were a lot of people around me, but they were at least 10 meters away from me .
They were all looking in my direction .
They might have look to see just the toppled flower pot , I thought ..
but I can't dismiss the idea that they were looking at me, expecting me to do something .
So naturally, they would expect me to simply put the flower pot back properly .
See, they EXPECTED me to do that .
It's not something that i'm obliged to do, because it's not my job to do so .
But being a human being having hands, I could have taken an initiative to do so ..
In a sense speaking," Just help la .. it's not hard, right ? Just put it back up, easy what ..."

Now I know that I DON'T HAVE TO FEEL PRESSURIZED TO DO SOMETHING THAT I DON'T LIKE .
So why did I felt so before this ?
Maybe it was because I wanted to be seen as a helpful guy .
A good guy .
Whatever, you name it .
But did I really do all that due to my principle of taking initiatives ? "
If I am to do something, I should have a reason .
It doesn't make sense to do something without reason, irregardless good or bad reasons .
I believe that by acting out due to my principles, I will feel a sense of achievement ..
because I do what I say i'd do .
That will probably add meaning to my life, because I do something that I believe in .
That way, my life will be more fulfilling .
Hmm .. now I see it clearly .

I'm not talking about expectations where my responsibility is concerned ..
because it already is an obligation of mine .
That, I won't complain .
I'm talking about situations where I would go like,
" Later if people see me never do this, how ? They'll think I very the what one."
You see ?
It's questions such as the above mentioned that provokes insecurity in a person .
Now me, I don't want to have such insecurities about myself .
I want to do something because I want to and i'm abiding to my principles .
Now that's what makes me who I am .
Now that's how I can truly know and feel myself for who I actually am .

I don't want to be put in unneccessary dilemmas that would put me out of order .

[I Want To Change Myself]
I think that to change this aspect of myself, i'll have to start believing in some things .
Henceforth, I have to create my own sound principles .
1. I will be a nice person .
2. I will be helpful .
3. I will ask for what I want .
4. I will be decisive, look forward and be enthusiastic about my decision .
5. I will weigh the pros and cons before deciding .
6. I will accept responsibility for my own life and actions .
7. I will make it a point to learn from key experiences .
8. I will seek the lesson in any failures, mistakes or setbacks .
9. I will look for the good in every situation .
10. I won't take drugs .
11. I will seek feedback .
12. I will accept constructive criticism .
13. I will adapt to changes .
14. I will find ways to effectively manage stress .
15. I will balance personal and school life .
16. I will work effectively without no or little supervision .
17. I will assume charge of a situation when prompted .
18. I will follow and trust my intuition .
19. I will be persistent .
20. I will be confident .
21. I will not hold grudges and be forgiving and forget the past .
22. I will go the extra mile .
23. I will respect females .
24. I will take initiatives .
25. I will give my support to my peers .
26. I will be understanding, caring and sensitive to other people's feelings and emotions .
27. I will be emotionally and mentally strong .
28. I will be successful .
29. I will speak up for myself .
30. I will be trustworthy .
31. I will be productive .
32. I will be a healthy individual .
33. I will adopt a humourous perspective in life .
34. I will be an interesting person .
35. I will be humble .

Maybe there are more, but i'll discover them soon as I progress through my life .
(:

Day 7: Moral Judgements

2011-03-07T19:58:00.001+08:00

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The worst i've heard so far is,

"If you're -----, then you're terrible . All the same what ."

What the FUCK ?

But, what you see is what you get, right ??
I believe not .
Whatever happened to the saying,' Don't judge a book by it's cover' ?
I guess that such sayings are just a form of humour only now, yea ?

[Why do people make moral judgements about others ?]

Because human beings are Evil .
Furthermore, bad-mouthing or gossiping about people are fun .
Lets face it, we all do .
Just open up your freaking facebook and look at the News Feed .

I used to make a point that I won't judge people .

People don't like to be judged .

It has been deemed as a negative thing .

You have tatoos on your arm .

That means, you are a person of bad influence .

That means, you smoke, behave indecently with the opposite gender etc .

That means, your family is messed up .

That means, I shouldn't be your friend because I might end up being like him, which I won't want to .

That means, you don't have a bright future .
This is a typical example of negative moral judgements .

You pray at least 4 times a day .

That means, you are discipline .

That means, you have a well-to-do family .

That means, you can do well academically .

That means you have a bright future .

This is a typical example of positive moral judgements .

But look; How often do you get judged positively when you do get judged ?

Therefore, you are bound to be judged .
One more situation for conviction .

Fucking First Impressions .

People judge you by the way you dress when you first meet them .
The manner that you talk in .
Basically, it's all about aesthetics .

So I used to make it a point that I won't judge people .
Why did I made it a point ?
Because I wanted to look good in the eye of the public .
I didn't have a bad reputation .
I didn't want to tarnish my name as a detestable person due to me making judgements . (Expectation, Day 8)

[Why Shouldn't I Make Judgements ?]

Ay, I SHOULD make judgements about people .

Sounds contradicting yea .
I should make critical moral judgements about people .
That way, I won't be letting any company that I would want to avoid to even have a chance to try and influence me .

[So What Shouldn't I Do ?]

I SHOULD NOT TELL OTHER PEOPLE MY JUDGEMENTS ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE .

People cannot be trusted .

(Of course, anyone who will be reading this will follow suit and be inclined to not trust me in the future .
There's this effect that follows once you all read this, but HA .)
People will feel inclined to tell the specific person whom I have passed my personal moral judgements to after i've told them .
I shouldn't doubt about this anymore, because it happens ..
It fucking happens la fuck !
So if I were to trust anyone in the future, I should win an award for being The Most Foolish Person There Ever Was .

But, i'm only humam, so I still believe that only a few people can be given my trust .

[I Want To Change Myself]

So i've always been thinking that I shouldn't be making judgements about people .

When other people do, I tend to follow suit and let out my opinion about them .

From now onwards:

1. I will make moral judgements about people to get a 'template' off the person .

That will be part of my guideline in choosing friends and whether to uphold a friendship or not .

2. I won't openly pass judgement about people .

3. I won't express my judgements about someone to the person because I know the person WILL be upset and get his self-esteem plunging down however unseeming the person may look .

"Even if i'm not a human, I guess i'll still judge .. critically, not foolishly ."
Now onwards, I won't be influenced by others to make moral judgements about others .
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Day 6: Sense Of Humour

2011-03-06T15:28:00.001+08:00

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There have been two scenarios .
First, I can just open up a conversation with anyone and just talk about anything with anyone .
Second, I don't know what the fuck to talk about when i'm with my friends .

It seems that i'm inclined to conversations with people whom I don't know or don't know that well .
And with those whom I am close with and known for quite a while, I don't know what topics to conjure .
How come I am able to cordially start a conversation with a stranger, and leaving them with an impression that i'm a friendly guy .
That's right; People describe me as Friendly when they were given one word to do so .
So I'm a friendly person .
It's good to be a friendly person, as people would be more comfortable with a friendly person as compared to one that isn't .
However, I believe that me being void in the mind of interesting topics to talk about,
it isn't enough to be friendly .

So what if someone is friendly ?

Everybody goes to the Funny person at the end of the day .
Yeah, guys I know and have seen that stereotypically had somewhat behavioural problems are funny .
No matter how bad he is, people like them .
I can't say that people are attracted to Bad People .
It's fairer to say that people are attracted to Funny People .

Usually, Bad People are Funny People .

And Friendly People are Boring People .

Currently, Me= Boring .
So, it's either I remain as what I am and stay boring
or turn for the worst and become funnier naturally .. somehow .
But it is practical ?

What if I can be both Friendly and Funny at the same time ?
Maybe I doubted myself too much .. yea, i'm funny at times .
But I have to criticize myself critically now : I'm not as funny as my peers .
I want to have a better sense of humour, so that I can my value will increase thus people will keep me as their friends .
... Maybe I shouldn't be selfish .

[Why Do I Want To Be Funny ?" ]

1. I want to have a better sense of humour so that I can help to create a positive work environment .

2. I want to have a better sense of humour so that I can improve communication with my peers .

3. I want to have a better sense of humour so that I can help build better team work and promote creativity .

4. I want to have a better sense of humour so that I can release personal tension and reduce conflict .

5. I want to have a better sense of humour so that I can help to develop good relationships with people .

6. I want to have a better sense of humour so that I can raise my self esteem to be liked and be remembered for .

7. I wan to have a better sense of humour so that I can become more optimistic, to laugh more so that I can have fun .
We all need fun to live .
Personally, I like Lame Jokes and I laugh to such jokes when being spoken .
But lets face it : People will give you That Look when you say out something that is generally deemed as Lame .
It's a horrible sight to see, especially when it's directed to myself .
People are not as kind as me, because they won't thank you or even attempt to laugh with you just to show that your efforts are appreciated .
It's a cruel world out there .

[So What Is Funny ?]
Funny faces .
Outrageousness .
Ridiculousness .
Spontaneity .
Unexpected .
Thoughts about the opposite sex .
Etc .
(Edited) Stereotyped-self-degrading-humour .

[I Want To Change Myself]

I need to see my environment in a Humorous Perspective .

Hence, that is all I need to cultivate my sense of humour, A Humourous Mindset .

If I believe something is funny, I must be confident enough to laugh it out and express it .
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Day 5: Love and Girls

2011-03-05T18:44:00.002+08:00

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I had plenty of crushes on girls .

But there have been only two girls that I have ever loved .

How come I loved those two girls but just was infactuated by the other 7 girls ?
There were all pretty girls .
Of the 7 girls whom I had crushes on, all of which I only knew on the surface .
But the 2 girls whom I loved , I knew them .
I happened to spend a large amount of time with them, enough to get to know them well .
Maybe for me, Love blossoms from an interest in a girl after spending time with her, enough to get to know them well .
I felt comfortable being around them .
I didn't feel the need to act as the coolest guy with them .
I feel like I can do anything with any of them in my mind at any one moment .
I felt blessed .. but I feel a tinge of discomfort at the same time .

"After having her as my girlfriend, what's next ?"

I used to ask myself this question often while I was in a relationship with my first ex .
She was beautiful .
She had a great personality .
She shared the same level of emotional intelligence and humour with me, to say the least .
But I asked myself that question before I decided to have a romantic relationship with the second girl whom I loved .
Well .. due to that question, I never did get into a relationship with her .

It was that uncertainty that made me apprehensive to make the same mistake again ..

Yea, again .
I broke off with my first ex who was the most wonderful girl at that moment because I wasn't sure .

I wasn't sure of what to with her .
I wasn't sure of what to do to her .
Heck, I wasn't even sure of what to do without her .
So it was like, it matters when she's in my life ..
because she enabled me to know what teenage love felt like ..
and because I could have lived without her .. do you get it ?
If I could live without someone, then i wouldn't Need that person in my life, right ?
Maybe not .. because I would have Wanted her in my life .
So why would I want her ?

I'm so sorry, my dear girl .

You were all a boy could ever ask for .

I told you I loved you because of the things that we've been through together .

It was because of time .

It was because of us being in the same cca together,

participating in the same activities together,

getting punished together .

I don't know whether Time forms a strong basis to love someone ..

but until this day, I have never dismissed you from my mind .

Cuz basically, you were my First Love, damn it !

.. All that was and is true .

But ... I didn't know why I needed you in my life .

It was a question I should have asked before getting down on my right knee, taking your hand, looking into your eyes and pop the question ..

It was 3.44pm on my watch and 3.42pm on your watch .. and together, we made it official: 3.43pm .

Now that you're gone .. Yea, it was one of my biggest regrets of my life .

Letting you go .

But you've moved on already .. wayyy ahead from me .

You've got people in your life who matters dearly to you .

You can do without me .. you can do without me now ..

I know whatever i've written here won't get to reach your eyes,

but does it even matter to you if you do get to see this ?

That, I can't answer myself .. because it has to come from You .

I guess that it was the right thing to do .. To not do something .

Yea, I didn't ask for stead with the second girl whom I love, even after long procrastination .

I had always wanted to get to know her more .

But I can conclude that .. she doesn't know herself much either to answer my questions .

I can't blame her for that .. I totally understand the similar situation that she was in .

You know, I loved you because of the things we have been through together .

They weren't much but ,

Sending you home .. Sending a girl home . Do you know what it means to me ? Sending a girl home ?

Going overseas while the thought of you drived me to not remain flaccid in the cold climate ..

Getting harangued in public by your mother .. Do you know how worried I was for you ? Do you ?

Staying true to me despite people shitting on me .. Do you know how much I appreciate someone like you ? Do you ?

But then again, I know that whatever that i've written here won't get to reach your eyes ,

but does it even matter to you if you do get to read this ?

That, I can't answer myself .. because it has to come from You .

Now, I have no idea what are in each of their minds .
One of whom I avoid and the other of whom I am being avoided by .
-.-
My life is transitioning into a different area now, Polytechnic .
We are now in different worlds .
It's something I resent .. but I have to go now, considering that i do not have anything to do with their lives .

[What do I really want ?]

Having a girlfriend isn't just about Love, for love is knowing someone well and deeply enough to be emotionally attached .

It's also about actually Wanting that person .

Why would I want a girlfriend ?

(I don't want to appear demanding, but i'm just making it clear that..)

1. I want a girlfriend who wants a Guy because I want a girl to make me feel like a Guy, not just a matured Boy .

2. I want a girlfriend who listens to my sorrows because I want a girl whom I can trust and take comfort in when i'm feeling down .

3. I want a girlfriend who is willing to help me find solutions to problems because I know that I can rely on her at times when I can't think clearly .

4. I want a girlfriend who is a Lady because I have been upholding myself as a true Gentleman, and so shall I deserve her .

5. I want a girlfriend who wants to have fun with me because she believes in contributing to establish mutual efforts to evoke fun in the relationship .

6. I want a girlfriend who will take the lead in the relationship at times because I know that our relationship won't stop to a halt when i'm in doubts about Us .

7. I want a girlfriend who can make me laugh or even attempt to do so to cheer me up because I will appreciate her efforts and I will do the same .

8. I want a girlfriend who will be by my side irregardless of situation because I will always be there for her, even if situation doesn't permit .

9. I want a girlfriend who won't expect too much of her boyfriend because I can't beat guys who are funnier, more good-looking and richer .

10. I want a girlfriend who doesn't think she's queen by having a boyfriend because I won't adhere to her being spoilt when I give my life up to her.

11. I want a girlfriend who can make me a better person because only then will the relationship be worthwhile .

If you think that i'm too demanding, read again to see that my wants are reasonable .
And what makes a good boyfriend ?

That, I can't answer myself .. because it has to come from You .

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Day 4: Holding Onto My Guns

2011-03-04T15:03:00.000+08:00

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I'm was listening to "I'm Not Afraid" by Eminem on my Ipod Touch .
I typed in the lyrics in my ipod, so as to get a visual reference as i'm listening to the song .
Azaek, my colleague, came right up to me .

A: "Can I see and listen too ?"

S: "Sure ."

A: "Eh, it's not '.. but you can't take the sting out these words before I lay em' ' la .

It's '.. but you can't take this things out these words before I lay em' .

S: "Really ? But I heard differently ."

A"Really la, really ."

S: "Okay, i'm changing it ."
In this situation, I had the lyrics typed down by myself as I slowly listened to the song .
I felt impassioned that what I had was the right one, and what he heard was wrong .
Though, I felt a sense of fear because if I were to be wrong, I would feel ashamed .. paisey/malu .
My waivering confidence of myself led me to follow his judgements instead of sticking to my guns .
Anyway, my line made more sense than his .
Even then, I was scared to say that what i've typed was the correct one .
I was scared to say that he was wrong .
I didn't know how to act if I were to tell him that he was wrong whilst standing my ground .

What was the problem ?

I was afraid to stand up for my own judgements .

I was easily persuaded .

Why was I too afraid to stand up for myself in that instance ?
Maybe I was scared that he wouldn't want to be on good terms with me if I had disagreed with him .
Maybe I had wanted to keep people whom I want to be on good terms with as many as possible ..
Furthermore, I hardly had friends back at my workplace .. And I was bullied often .
Maybe I was afraid to stand up to the bully himself .. Everyone at my workplace were the physical type .
Bigger than me .. Tatoos .. Gangsters ..

So the bottomline is, I Was Afraid .
What an irony to the song listened to .

[I want to change myself]

I don't want to be afraid in such situations anymore .

I want to be brave enough to say out my opposing views to anyone irregardless of situation .

I want myself to be in such a case where if there's something which I think is right, I will adhere to it .

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Day 3: Waiting

2011-03-03T13:21:00.001+08:00

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Waiting .
Hmm ..
Is there ever a moment in my life where I didn't wait for someone or anything ?

What have I been waiting for ?
One thing's for sure is that I have been waiting for the perfect girl to come along .
Yea, finding a girlfriend to last isn't an easy feat .
But that's what I want; A girlfriend to last with .
I remember I have like 10 or 11 reasons as to why I want a girlfriend .
Ahahaa .
But until now, there isn't any .
And look at yourself now; You're still single .
What's up with that man ?
/
I have been waiting for my father to make millions .
I have been waiting for my sister to make millions .
I have been waiting for my mother to make thousands .
That way, I won't have to work .
I won't have to struggle for money, as they would provide me with the dough .
Ahahaa . What the fuck .
But honestly, I doubt they will .
And look at yourself now; You're still not rich .
What's up with that man ?
/
I have been waiting for National Service .
Although I don't like the idea of waking up in the morning everyday for PT,
it's definitely going to make me tougher and increase my body mass .
That would surely push my BMI further away from the underweight area .
But hey, that's like 3 years away .
And look at yourself now; You're still weak and physiqueless .
What's up with that man ?
/
I have been waiting for a friend whom I can really have crazy fun with .
That way, I don't think i'd need any more friends . Ahahaa .
But ay, has anyone been approaching you ?
Fuck no .
And look at yourself now; You're still void of fun friendships .
What's up with that man ?

Waiting, waiting and more waiting ..
Even if i'm not waiting for any of the above mentioned,
i'd be waiting for something interesting to occur in my relatively mundane life .
Know what ?
I even have been waiting for a briefcase containing stacks of money to appear out of nowhere too !
For goodness' sake ! -.-

What the fuck man ?
I've been waiting my whole life for such things that until now, very little have come around .
I feel disappointed .

It feels that the more I wait, the more lifeless I become .
The more lazy I get .
The more thoughtless I become .
Waiting just saps out the life out of you .

I really have to ask myself this question .
Is it really worth the while to wait for such things ?
Hmm ..
Yeah, why not ?
I'll be crazy happy if I were to find the briefcase full of money .
I'll be elated if I have a nice Guy physique .
I'll be happy if my family gets rich .
Come on, who doesn't ?
But ..
What are the chances that all that will ever happen ?
LOW !
LOW LA SIAL ! LOW !
LOW CLOSE TO ZERO LA FUCK !
Gosh, I need to wake up .

I need to do something .
Yea, that's right .
I need to DO something .
If not, I won't be able to even taste any of what I want .

Ah .
The feeling of anticipating 'money to fall from the sky' is enticing, yea ?
But how often does such things happen ?
And how often does opportunities come knocking on your door ?
Seldom dude, seldom .
So .. i'll conclude now .

[I Want To Change Myself]
I realise that I am not likely to get anything that I want if I don't do something about it .
And by doing something means actually DOING something, and not doing something by waiting .
1. I will accept the fact that waiting doesn't get me anything . Not even the slightest chance .
2. I want to get myself to get up and go . Go find the friends that I want . Go work to become rich . Go workout to get a great physique .
3. I will not believe in luck .
4. I will create my own opportunities .

"I'm an able-bodied,
I can achieve what I want ."
-Shahrul Andean

Day 2: Private World

2011-03-02T23:59:00.001+08:00

.. Let the hiatus commence .

Alright .
I've decided to disappear for a while .
I want to turn silent from the people whom I know of .
This time, I really wanna change .
I've deactivated my Facebook account .
I've made this blog private, so only I can read this blog .
I will not reply to messages sent to me .
With the exception of my family members and a friend or two,
i'm basically shutting myself off from the world .

This time, I really want to change myself .
I don't know myself .
I don't know what I want .
I don't know what my ideals are .
I don't know if I were to be in any particular situation, would I abide by my principles .
I don't even know what my principles are .
I know that i've been exuding a facade .. all in the name of looking good to the public .
I don't know what my true character is .
I don't wanna do acts such that I would be looked upon as good by the public's eye .
I feel fake .
I don't even know how fake feels like .
I can't have every single quality and attributes of mine doubted intensively .
I need to make them distinct and clear to myself, not anybody else yet .

There are many aspects that I want to improve myself in .
Honestly, I don't know where to start .
Of course, even if so, I will need a lot of time .
I think .. I want to take at least a month's worth of 'holiday' .

Being a recluse now, I believe that the only pressure to impress anyone is but myself .
Hm, yea . I think I know how to get this ball rolling .
I need to have a set of beliefs .

So what would be my beliefs ?
...

...

2011-03-01T00:08:00.003+08:00

Goodbye .

My HD Life

2011-02-28T18:18:00.000+08:00

.. Forget friends . All I need is someone that actually cares .

Sorry, lil sis .
Tell you what going down in my life now .

Honestly, I feel extremely miserable .
I'm reminded of the days when I was Hopelessly Depressed .
I don't know anymore the reason as to why I am .
I hope these words are simple enough for you to understand .
I just need a friend now .

I saw your friends .
I overheard what they were talking about .
I know that you know better,
but I just want to ask you to think about their words first .
Think first, before doing .
Girl 1: "If you want to make your guy happy and love you, do what he wants to do ."
Girl 2: "If he likes to 'play', then should I play ?"
Girl 1: "Yea ."
NO . Remember to always respect yourself .

...
Here's what it is .
I've been putting in tremendous amount of effort into something .
I just hope that it would prove useful in the future for me ..
That's something that I have to look forward to .
Now, I have a Book of Rhymes .

Hmm .
I seriously doubt that I can go anywhere by the route of rapping .
Firstly, hardly anybody see my vision, share my interest .
Secondly, Singapore ain't the place to be .. I think even Asia ain't the place to be .
I guess it's something that will always remain as a hobby .
..
Suck it up, dude .

... haha ..
I have a friend who's in the same situation as me .
I spend almost all of my time everyday writing raps .
Have you seen the recent one that I just posted titled Love To Waste ?
I'm proud of my work .. but I guess something ain't to be proud of when nobody recognizes it .
It's a truly horrendous feeling when you strongly believe in something that can make it big,
but it's not given the opportunity to do so .
People just dismiss it .
I hope to get better in this skill of mine while i'm in this state of diconsolation .
Like my friend posted," I'm gonna study soo hard that i'll be smarter than all of you ."
Yea, it ain't exactly what he said, but the essence is there .
Well, I truly feel his words .
Dude, you're like a brother to me .

Alright ..

Rap: Love To Waste

2011-02-27T17:17:00.001+08:00

Rap: Love To Waste

Verse 1
I'm looking at us now and I can't believe what I am seeing though
when I look out the window, all I see at night is the moon
now we aint what we were, we used to have a thing girl
do you know that just for you i've been keeping myself single ?
I don't know why I liked you, when did it even started
I used to send you home before I went off, but now it's been months
remember when we went our seperate ways and parted ?
you simply bid goodbye, it fucking left me broken hearted
just what was it that didn't feel right, I hope you'd tell me
cuz what you say and how you act around me doesn't tally
and what the hell we barely even keep in touch anymore
and I thought your, absence would heal me like time, well so much for the cure
I just want an afternoon with you fore' I either move on
or decide to be your boyfriend if not, i'll put my shoes on
cuz I can't keep going on like this, and neither could you
we can't just be left hanging, it's bad for our own good, Boo ..

Verse 2
I know that the freedom issue for you has always been tight
i'm willing to wear one, so tell your dad that you are going out
with someone wearing a Tudung and hope the hint might
get you his approval into giving your the greenlight
of course it was just a joke the moment when I told you that
but i'm starting to lose hope, so I guess the idea ain't too bad
how hard is it to spend time between a special girl and a guy so rare
I won't ask you to tell your father the idea cuz it's a lie so yeah
you're the one I want to be with so why shouldn't I care ?
my arms are wide open for you so why wouldn't you dare
to give me some of your time, like how I did for mine,
if I didn't want you in my mind, why i'd bother putting you there ?
you may not have seen me from all perspectives like i've seen you
but it's my choice to put my heart, soul, effort and all that in you
with everything that we've been through, I feel that we deserve a place
in each other's hearts, and I don't want to throw this love to waste ..

Leaving A Legacy

2011-02-26T00:59:00.001+08:00

... Take a picture with everyone you know; I only saw the mirror .

Alright .
Here's what it is .

I wanna let out my disappointments, before I start to look at them from different perspectives .
I resent that my sister didn't help me with anything regarding my enrolment into my polytechnic .
As a sister, I just had the expectation of her OFFERING me help instead of me ASKING for help .
At least i'll have that memory of my sister having helped me when I enrol into polytechnic .. you feel ?
With my current standings to her, my requests would be and have been dismissed as if unimportant .
I just want people to listen to me when I need help .. and do something useful to help me .

Well .. I can't really expect my parents to help out much .
They can't even read what's on the papers despite being literate . It's just the small words .
Sure I can read to them, but that's not the point .
Even so, might as well I do everything myself .
Yeah, it's pretty confusing and daunting handling all those important documents but ..
It's more efficient and I wouldn't be bound to parental guilt . Whatever that means .

Well .. basically, I came to complete everything largely by my efforts .
Like going to the school itself and asking hell a lot of questions,
up to the point where the staff members had that stress look on them .
Lol .. hahaa .
Anyway, I can't really blame my sister .
She's busy . She's lethargic . She's busy with her life .
She's a good sister all in all .

Hmm .. I really have to be independent now onwards .

So this is it .
I'm a muslim .
My living on Earth is just temporary .
There's a bigger picture .
Yea, i'll part from this world ..
but I don't feel like doing so leaving behind just a tombstone and grave with my name on it .
I want something bigger ..
I don't know about deeper .. deep and meaningful feelings and issue has largely lost their meanings in today's generation .
Hence ..
I want to leave a legacy .

Don't ask me what and how .
It doesn't apply ..
(Yea, I finally believe those who told me their answers)
Some things .. aren't meant to be planned .
I think it's better to plan such ambitions .. but this is Life .
Things happen .

I think that i'll be quite busy once polytechnic starts .
This is the deal for me .
It's easy to make friends .
It's just almost impossible to make truly good friends .
Like secondary school,
I honestly feel like it's all back to square one the moment I graduated .
(Yea, I still remember Graduation Day back at the school hall .. It was hell bitter for me .)
Yeah, a couple of messages with those few people left .. but i'm not sure about my views on friends anymore .

What are friends ?
Basically .. I think it's:
The people who have interactions with you that are enrolled in the same institution and
only throughout the whole duration for as long as you do .
We all have ambitions .. we all have personal goals .. so I have to understand .
What I reallyy wanted didn't tally with almost most of em .
Man, I really am giving a long sigh on this .
To conclude, people change .
Those who don't .. generally haven't feel the practical need to do so .

Alright .
Be cool .

Rap Draft: Personal Race

2011-02-22T18:45:00.000+08:00

Rap Draft: Personal Race

This sounds too simple .
My god .
But it tells the whole story well .

I walked towards the door and wore my running shoes

but I found only one, it was supposed to come in twos

what's one without the other so it can't be used

and I wore my old pair; it was the only one to choose

from before I step out the door and went on straight

to the stadium for my event; oh but wait

I had to take a cab because I was almost late

I arrived in the nick of time before they closed the gates

I looked upon myself with the winners' trait

"Just 800 meters" was all that was in my head

I got myself ready in the marked position

but it better start soon, my thumbs were red from the heat burns

I ran upon hearing the bang from the pistol

my eyes turned straight to glass and cracked as if brittle

I moved, accelerated and picked up my pace

there were no one else but me, it was a personal race

Yea I broke my current record but listen closely, I muttered

"It ain't something to be proud of,"; I'm back to where I started

My body, from the feet to the hands, felt aweakened

and not even the slightest bit I felt any sense of achievement

don't know why sometimes it feels no matter how hard I try

I feel i'm still going nowhere; That's the butt to my cries

I can stop to give up or continue to go for it
if I choose the latter, then I got to keep looking forward .

Negative Emotions

2011-02-22T16:15:00.002+08:00

.. for I want to be the answers .

Alright .
Here's what it is .
My 555th post .
What is emotions ?
How can emotions affect you ?

Back when I was younger, I was happy .
Even if I was sad, it wasn't dragged for long .
Simply put, I think being sad and putting myself down will ..
actually pull myself down .
That's when you'll start being, slow .
I don't know about other people, but me:
I feel slow .
It's not that I can't think fast, I generally think slow .
I'm oblivious to the dangers in any surroundings .
What the .
So I feel discouraged .
Then I would feel even slower .
And it repeats .
(I think this is where all the "Nie la, setan dah hasot kau" talk by adults enters)

For example .
Recently, I went to hang out with a friend .
We played guitar .. yeah .
Out of the blue, we suddenly freestyle rap .
Man, that was what i've been wanting to do in my life; To freestyle with a friend .
He's not totally rap and word play nazi like me but ..
He was actually better than me in most aspects.
My god . I felt small .
I went home after that contemplating whether I should even further my interest for rap .

I keep thinking that i'm not half the person whom I used to be .
That i'm not as good as how I was a couple of years ago .

Maybe I should quit thinking about how i'm not and instead
how I am now and what can I do from here onwards to improve myself .

I think that,
if I can learn something from what i've been through in recent years,
is that negative emotions WILL kill a person slowly .
I think that's even worst than death being shot by .
I think that living with negative emotions is living in misery .

Negative emotions are so strong that
me having been depressed has made me wanting to be sunk even deeper into the abyss of self destruction .

Hmm . So what about positive emotions ?
What counts as a positive emotion ?
Would positive emotions give the same drive towards improvement,
just as how negative emotions gives the drive towards devastation ?
I don't want the answers ..

Equal Intellect

2011-02-20T22:32:00.000+08:00

... And that's how you find out something from a person without asking . Ahahaaa .

Alright .
So here's what it is .

I started my day off with an old friend ..
We met in the morning and went for breakfast .
The breakfast we had ..
Thosei and teh susu .
Man, it totally beats western fancy crusine man !

So I was doing my stuffs when I inadvertently encouraged a conversation on facebook .
It was my good ol' friend .
I would like to describe him .. but if I do,
it would sound as if he's not in this world anymore .
Why ? Because its those things that you would say about someone who's already gone .
He asked whether we could meet .
Turned out, he had this problem ..
Literally, a question with no answers .
How the fuck do you answer such questions ?
Ahahaha .
So an hour went by .. followed by another .. and another ..
By the time we realised, it's almost 4 hours .
My god .
The discussion that we had was intense .

Hey dude, that's how life is .
At least by having that 4 hours talk,
you understand yourself better now .
I'll see you in 10 years from now ayte, Lawyer (;

Back in 2010, I made a new year resolution of appreciating the people around me .
Well you know what ?
It was well worth the effort .
Yea, many wasn't worth my fucking effort .
But I can start seeing the seeds that i've sown sprouting .
Since i'm a new story from now onwards,
i'll take you guys to enjoy life with me soon .
Yeah, we are not related by blood, but I love you guys ..(No homo though)
That's why I even bothered doing the fucking things that i've done for you all .
(Okay la, I would still bother even if otherwise . Why ? Ahahahaa ;) )

Hmm . I kinda did learn a couple of things from him .
Ahahaa .
I'm not saying him, but some people are soo proud of being an introvert .
That's just a template; I'm sure of you know what I mean ;D

Man, I have soo much to say .
They come, they go .
They're here with you as friends, but you know your true standing to them .
What is it about time that ..
Man, the more friends I make,
the more reluctant I feel to say things on my own blog .

I'm experiencing what only some people have went through .
But I contemplated that it's better not to say it out .
Lol, even with you being with such people, they wouldn't tell you either .
Now I know why such issues that i'm referring about shouldn't be made public .

I definitely need a new blog .

Alright, be cool .

Granade

2011-02-19T20:57:00.001+08:00

.. Revel in your delight .

Alright .
Here's what it is .

I just wanna get this out first .
I just wish some people won't be too spiteful .
Bear a grudge that destroys years of work just to bond .
Even I could forgive that guy .
Maybe i'm just the better guy .
Nah, not maybe .
This time, i'm definitely am the better guy .
My god .

Alright, here's what is really is .
I've been going out on the regular .
As in, everyday .
I can't believe that myself .
I guess the phrase," Get out there and get things done " has a meaning to me now .

I feel that I want to stop working actively .
Yeah, it totally has taken it's toll on me .
I understand now why it is deemed that there are not many kind people in this world .

Though hey, I have a passive job .
It's .. to build up my body physically (:
I'm even being given 5 months to do so !
(Yeah, it's a job)
Currently, i'm a toned guy .. though a lil bit slim .
I don't mind, cuz I attained the height first before the width .
Ahahaaa .
Now onwards, allow me to expand myself .

I forgot whether i've said this, but i'm gonna do it again anyway .
I can feel people .
I'm not showing off as I won't consider myself well astute with this quality .
But somehow, I can just know how you are actually feeling .
What your intentions are .
What the heck is at the back of your mind towards me .
What your doubts are about me .
It could just be that i'm just reading you, not actually feeling .
But that isn't the matter now .
Because .. I just want to ask this .
" ..... Just what is it ? "
Don't you think that you are giving yourself away, if you have something to hide ?
Don't you think your eyes that you laid upon me even when I can't see you speak out aloud ?
Don't worry, i'm not directing this to anyone .
... I don't know whether to next say ," Not anymore ."
or," As things would get awkward ."

Oh yeaa .
Bruno Mars' Granade .
I can totally relate to that .
Ahahaa .

Anyway, broken romantic relationships are meant to say," Move on " .
There's no official definition of what is considered having moved on .
So I don't know whether i've actually done so or not .
But this question has been always lingering in my mind ..
"Just, what happened to you now ? .. "
With a bitter melody to it .
Your memories have been etched at the back of my mind, like pictures being super-glued on the mirror .
Yea, mirror . For when I reflect on myself, I see you .

Putting aside all that,
I wanna end off this post talking about this .
I miss you, Boo .
I might be the most foolish guy to say that .
I don't really know just what is it with you .
It's like, I thought it was but then again I doubt that now .
I didn't meet you then for I know that you wouldn't be ready .
I didn't call you anymore for I know you wouldn't be able to answer .
I don't know anymore why I even like you .. i'm sure there are more reasons than just us having a shared history (:
But be assured that the message I sent you was how I truly feel ..
The real deal .
I just feel .. macam tak betol . Macam tak kene . Macam bodoh gitu .
(Man, I know I sound soo like a lovesick fool . Ahahaa . It's okay, just revel in your delight .)
It's been a year .
I've been giving utmost deliberation to us .
I'm sure you might have noticed it by now, i've been tentative about having you in my life .
I'm serious when I think about these issues .
(Hey, such matters need such attention for I wouldn't consider a serious relationship lightly .)
Right now, I have no idea how to hint you into reading this .
Like how I never knew your blog even exist,
is synonymous to the concern that I have that we both would just,
live our own seperate lives without even knowing how we truly feel towards each other .
I can't settle for that . I don't feel that i've moved on like that .

As I express myself through poetry and raps,
i've been composing a piece about my longing to be .
How wistful, I am .

I think I would, publish it soon .

Alright, be cool .
(You know guys, it's difficult to be in my position under such circumstances . Careful choice of words is imperative..)
That's why, you need to know what you really want .

Rebonded

2011-02-16T21:17:00.000+08:00

.. A step at a time .

Alright .
Here's what it is .
I want to feel high . Hyped up .
I really don't know what to blog about now,
but i'm gonna stretch my mind .

So today, I had my hair rebonded .
Cheers !
It feels good to try something new .
So far, i'm liking my new hair now .
This is yet another leap forward for me .
Yeaaa .
It did felt different .. for I used to apply wax before I leave house during my secondary school days .

Man, I don't feel like myself anymore lately .
External forces really do affect your focus .
But it's alright, i'm gonna use these opportunities to tune myself up .
Ahahaa, there are sooo many things that I wanna say .
To let it out .
But these thoughts I have, will not be a good idea to expose to the public .

Now, I just feel like listening to music and think deep about what's bothering me .
Yea, you don't have to know this .
But i've always been ..
Hmm .. Then again, I think it's a bad idea to make my blog open to public .

Alright . Be cool .

Happy Valentine's Day

2011-02-14T22:18:00.001+08:00

Happy Valentine's Day to those who celebrate it (:

Alright .
Here's what it is .
I've just posted the rap that i've collaborated with my friend Fa'iz Zakaria .
It's called Best I Ever Had .
Check it out on facebook, it's on both of our profiles .
Don't have to tell us what you think of it, for we know it's dope .
Ahahahaa, arrogant sey . Hehehe .
Nah, just messing with you all .

So yea, it's Valentine's Day .
We all know about the keycho that Malays have been mengeboh-hebohkan .
"Valentine's Day ? Haram !!"
or
"Valentine's Day tau celebrate, tapi Hari nabi sendiri tak tau -.- "
or .. well, you know the deal .

You know what ?
Lucky the day .. nah, not day, the past week for that matter ... is over .
Because I feel fucking sick of people keep saying that,
" It's Valentine's Day ? So what ? "
or giving all those faces and saying as if they have utmost disgust to the day .
If you were Christian,
how the fuck would you feel if people of another race say that of one of the celebrated days in your religion ?

I ain't saying shit but
all I want to express is the disgust that I feel when all of those is said .
"Suddenly everybody is an imam yea? -.-"
(Edited: okay okay fine, ustazs and ustazahs)
My god .
Okay, we get it . It's haram .
Just be happy for those who celebrate this day .
I saw a lot more of ," eyh V day this lah that lah," instead of ,
" oh, It's good lah for them . Hope they have a good and joyous one (:"

I ain't perfect,
but I just want to point out this poor attitude of people .
Only know how to express disgust instead of being happy for the other party when such situations call for .

This is just a different view from what you might have expected from a muslim .

Just one final thing .
Do you know that in Saudi Arabia, there was a black market discovered for selling roses and wrapping paper in 2008 .
Lol, black markets were even resorted to for the purchase of roses and wrapping paper .

Alright, let's veer from that topic .
I was watching Channel News 5 Tonight and again, the topic of Valentine's Day .
There was a competition commenced of liplocking for the longest time possible ..
and it still is going on as I am typing now .
Ahahaaa, I thought I just saw two male participants doing so together .
o.o
Nothing wrong with it .. it's just that you don't see that often .

Another story from The Parliament .
"It is against the law to deny employees of their sick leave despite in festive seasons ."
Hmm, so there have been people who were denied sick leave despite in festive seasons .
Hmm .. yea . I understand both sides .

I like watching News 5 Tonight .
So many interesting and relevant news that I can get to know about .

Know what ?
I ain't gonna continue further at the moment .
Be cool .

Arrogance

2011-02-13T14:47:00.001+08:00

Protein .. Shakes .. and more Herbalife .

Alright .
Here's what it is .

I've been pretty busy lately ..
Yeaaaa, busy going out .
I've been out to Vivo .. Town ..
Once a awhile, we all got to do our shopping, yea ?
I reckon that for girls, it won't be a matter cuz you all are definitely gonna shop on the regular ..
Even on hyper-regular for some !
For guys, well .. i'm not sure about guys nowadays .
For me, I don't pay too much attention to shopping as I always have my focus on other things .
Though once a while, I gotta make sure that my wardrobe is well stocked up .
Currently, all is good .
Though all that is required is a black pair of jeans ... and a black, leather jacket .

I don't just wear clothings for fun .
I want the things that I wear to 'say' something ..
To give people the impression of the kind of person I am .
At times, I got called a MatRep ..
It's really an insult to me .
But hey, the world is what it is: There is a whole bunch of narrow-minded people .
For example,
Kalau tak matrep, kental .
A person is only cool to them if the person would benefit the perceiver .

I don't want to appear gangster .
I don't want to appear punk .
I have been trying to portray myself as a well endowed, sophisticated and suave guy in my own style .
I've seen a bigger world that's out there .
Not through magazines or anything, though I guess that that could be one way to see the bigger things in life .
I've been to places from such grime to such finesse .
My god, I tell ya .
The neighbourhood is basic, for now I know why this saying exists : "Venture out to the unknown "

Oh yea, I just want to say that I fucking resent it if someone were to call me a 'Mat' .
It's pronounced in Malay, it ain't the floor mat you'd think about .
Of course, i'd know if someone is deliberately calling me that having read or not my blog .
Ahahaa (:

"The days are gone, living without you .
It ain't that I can't live without you,
it's just that having had you in my life,
was the best thing that ever happened .

... and that's why it feels so hard to adjust the settings ."

I once said this, and I had to be reminded of my own advice by the person whom I told that to .
"If you got something to say, then say it ."

I'm sure that you may have had come across this saying .
"If you ignore me, I will ignore you. If you don't start the conversation, we won't talk. If you don't put in the effort, why should I ? "
I don't like THE ATTITUDE OF people who say this .
You know why ?
It's because they expect others to do first before they would .
I just feel disgusted .
"So arrogant sia !"
And no, it's not hypocritical .

Ahahaa . Kalau kau terase, then ape aku boleh buat .

(:
Alright . Be cool .

Thought: Being A Good Listener

2011-02-09T18:57:00.000+08:00

Alright .
This is just a thought .

Have you ever wondered whether you are a good listener ?
Even if you think you are, are you actually a good listener ?
Maybe someone would have said that you are a good listener for having listened to his misery or problems .
But how do you know that what they told you was the truth ?
How do you know that he just didn't said that you were a good listener just to make you happy,
because hey, you did wasted your time on him .
Then again, you see people saying that a person they know is a good listener .
Thus, they refer you to the person .
If so, then why only that person ?
Being a good listener is a good skill to acquire .
But just how often are you being presented that opportunity of having people to come to you to talk about their problems ?
Since you don't have much practise as people don't approach you, then how do you even cultivate that skill ?
So when you think you have cultivated that skill enough to consider and even proclaim yourself to be a good listener,
then again, are you actually a good listener ?

Alright, be cool .

CSI: The Experience

2011-02-09T18:40:00.001+08:00

Alright .
Here's what it is .

Recently, i've been on a collaboration with Fa'iz in making a rap .
Ahahaa, it's my first time doing so .
Hey, I can't find any others who shares my passion for rhymes,
so i'm making do with who I know of to hit it .
So yeaa, we each have made our verse .
I'm gonna post mine right here .

We used the instrumental Best I Ever Had by Drake .

[ Verse Two ] / [ Shahrul ]

Best girl that i've been with so I ain't gonna spare the details

I can't shake this feeling off for this very special female
she doesn't have to ask to know when i'm having a bad day
she knows me best, she can see right through me like an X-Ray
That's where her presence would put me in the right mind
and she accompanies me from early morning till night time
also when dining out, she would gladly share the math
that's why I thought about her only once, cuz she never left !
One thing ain't never gonna be an issue,
you ain't never need a tissue,
cuz i'll always be here with you
to wipe the tears off your face for you with my bare hands
and I could swear when I say you still look fly in ugly sweatpants
I will always have the crying moments and laughter cherished
yeah I got lust for you, but leave the sex for after marriage
our love was never there at first, it was made to grow
so lets make all the haters soo jealous that their heads would blow !

So, how do you find that ? Ahahaa (:
I'm looking forward into having more sessions with him .
If anyone else is interested, please do approach me .
We'll hit it out well .

So anyway, i'm feeling better now .
Yeah, ain't gonna kid about that .
I realise that life feels less worrisome without any obligations and decision making .
That's why a lot of people usually push decision making to other people .
But if that goes on between two people,
then die better, right ? Ahahaa .

Yea, I kinda can't get enought of my daily routine .
Wake up .
Practise on my guitar .
Practise on my left hand writing .
Practise on my speech and breath control .
Rhyme here and there .
I realise that all that takes consistency to master .
Cuz till now, i'm still considered terrible at most of them .
To my standards, of course .
Yeah, a saying goes that
one should never put too high an expectation,
for one would end up being hurt badly .
Well I realise that,
if you're too afraid to put too high an expectation,
then you ain't never gonna achieve shit .

A wonder how one saying totally influences people .
For instance, the saying of never to put too high an expectation, cuz you're gonna get crushed badly .
Due to that, girls don't want to be in a relationship .
Cuz they know that they're gonna get heartbroken .
I guess to them, prevention is better than cure, yea ? Ahahaa.

Man ..
I really don't know how my life is gonna turn out now .
I don't know what I want now .
If I knew, then at least I would have a sense of direction .
This matter always confounds me, for I don't know what to do .

Recently, i've came across a book titled .. okay, I forgot .
But it emphasize heavily on the term 'Assertiveness' .
Yeah, as I read that book,
I realised that there have been many people who took up Assertive class just to be more assertive .
Being assertive has its benefits .
It allows one to convey what he wants to put across without neglecting others nor his own feelings .
It allows one to be in control of a stressful situation so as not to make it worst but instead mitigating it .
I would sure love to have that attribute in me .
That's why, i'm gonna start cultivating it .
It's never too late . Ahaa, another saying .

Just today alone, I have 5 friends who share the same birth date .
What are the chances ?
Ahahaa .

A few days back, I went to the Singapore Science Center with a friend .
We decided to check out the CSI: The Experience exhibition .
It was definitely an interesting afternoon spent,
as we learnt about the various methods and approaches used during the solving of such investigations .
The kinds of blood stains,
how insects play a part in determining the time of death of a person and such .
We thought of spending an hour and a half, as suggested in the description .
Instead, we were there for about 3 hours . Ahahaa .
We were even awarded with a Diploma in Crime Scene Investigation or something like that . LOL .
I was like whuuuut .
There was still a lot of things to discover at the other exhibitions in the center .
We only had to pay an extra dollar to check out the whole place out, and I could tell ya that we were exhilarated .
However, we only had like, 10 minutes left till the closing of the place .
So we went like, whuuuuuuut -.-
Regardless, i'm still gonna go there again one day .
It's true when the website says that you will need hours and even days to check out the whole place .
Furthermore, entry ticket for the permanent exhibitions there is only $5 for 16 years old and below .
Its only $5 to open up your mind into the world of cool scientific stuffs .
It was definitely a worthwhile trip .
And no, it ain't just for kids, so come on .

Sometimes, I laugh at myself for having too much bitterness in my heart .
Ahahaa ..
Alright, be cool .

My Goddd

2011-02-07T00:10:00.002+08:00

For not having anything worthwhile to lose ..

Alright .
Here's what it is .

How I wish some people would just die .

You got mad, I tried allaying you .
You got bored, I tried adding colour into you .
But you weren't appreciative,
you even took me for granted ..
You got lonely, I accompanied you .
You got disappointed, I raised the mood in you .
But you were selfish,
yeah you did said you would entertain me,
but you were just fucking flirting ..
You egoistic bitch, you want to reconcile ?
When you did so, but think you're right,
and still behaving all mighty and high ?
Did I find you irritating ? Yea, but it was never a compliment bodoh !
I don't want to hear from you . Get lost . Die if possible .

My goddd, i'm soo gonna fucking make this rap against you.
Show this to you .
Let you read this .
And so shall you fucking STOP BOTHERING ME .
You WILL be embarrassed of your actions if I lay them out for you .
Seriously, I never retaliated ever to your fucking attitude . You should have been thankful .
Why was I ever so patient ? -.-
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Putting that aside ,
i'm seriously getting sick of people who messages me saying hi or asking how am I .
Thoughtful ? Well dig deeper .
Then you expect me to lead the conversation,
while you laze about when I was there trying to make an effort to keep the conversation going throughout .
When I stop, you hinted that i'm boring .
Wah, tak chi bai ke tu ?
I expect conversations to be mutual .
It ain't all about you , only wanting to be entertained .
My goodness, not even the fingers of both my hands are enough to list every one of you all down .
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Also putting that aside,
it's fucking sickening when people PERSISTENTLY give me a response saying,
"I don't know "
"Anything la "
"I'm okay with anything "
to name a few .
Fuck it . How were we supposed to get somewhere or get something done like that ?!
My god -.-
I myself have doubts too,
but I fucking tried to make a decision .

Fucking fickle-minded people .
Don't come to me so that you can go out somewhere to amuse yourself only .
Of course, you didn't say that . But I can already be a fucking expert at reading a person la sial .
I'm the one who have to plan everything ?
When I do give a suggestion, yall only know how to decline them , saying
"Don wan la "
"Boring la"
"There got nothing la "
Calmly speaking, if you haven't been there or don't make a conscious effort to make the outing lively,
then the fuck how you gonna not be disappointed at me ?
Gy mampos man .
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

To those who take offence from what i've typed,
it's your problem .

I'm just saying how I feel .
.............

Okay ! Back to life . Ahaha (:
I'm gonna have a free schedule very soon again .
It feels relieving when burden is shaked off from your shoulders .

Alright, be cool .

Rap: Questioning Love

2011-02-05T00:39:00.005+08:00

Alright .
Here's the short rap .

Singles wish to fall in love, some couples just wish to break
this teaches you never to find a stead just for the sake
of being in an RS, I aint' desperate for it
it ain't a must have, yea we used to vomit
when adults talk about love, lovey dovey shit stuffs
now we're in it but without experience, we hit it rough
when we're attached, some complaint they had no freedom
but for the singles, it's a totally different wisdom..
uh, "Would you be my valentine ?"
if the girl says, "yes", any boy would gladly say," The talent's mine .."
bring it on cuz any challenge's fine,
"But can I keep her ?" I guess I gotta be the well-balanced kind
I'm single, soulful, but slowly turning soulless
the chances of trying to get a date for me seems hopeless
so many fishes in the sea but what's a good bait
when I can't get a good catch, blame it on my *toot* fate ..

Then again, it's an awesome one at that .

Shangri-La Rasa Sentosa Resort

2011-02-04T22:18:00.003+08:00

The things you'd say when sitting in a corner ..

Alright. here's what it is .

I'm just gonna do a quick update,
for I doubt that i'll make enough time to blog as how I usually do .

I'm currently on a holiday with my cousins,
staying at Shangri-La Rasa Sentosa Resort .
The place is elegant and the views are magnificent .
In other words, great ! (:

Today is Friday .
We spent a day out at Universal Studios Sentosa .
It's my second time there .. so I ain't feeling as excited as how I was previously .
Then again, I wasn't that excited the first time I went there .
Ahaha .
Yeah, pictures here and there .
Shrek 4D ..
Battlestar Galactica ..
Just to name a few .
Yeah, everything was alright .
I just not to appear indifferent to all these ..
but honestly, I felt exactly that most of the time .
.. Something about me being introspective too much yea ?

Anyway, another year will pass and ...
i'm still single for Valentine's Day .
Shit, I know my religion ain't supposed to 'celebrate' this day .
And even if I have a girlfriend,
I wouldn't wait for this V day just to have a special evening with my lady .

Currently, I really don't know what's up with me .
I've changed .
For the worst .
I've degraded .
I'm now more shy .
I'm now more apprehensive in character .
I'm now blank in my mind most of the time .
I would usually try to think of stuffs,
try to be proactive .. even though it doesn't work most of the time . Ahahaha .
Though now, I really .. That's it man . I don't know what else to say .
My usual response to me being questioned," what's wrong ?" or something along that line have been,
"Thinking about life, you know ?"
Aha . Now I don't know what to think anymore .
Careful when you think about life .
You wanna do something, make a change or something,
make sure you put yourself in a situation which enables or somehow coerces you to actually achieve it .
Get it done .
You know the shit i'm talking bout .
I really feel that .. I proscrastinate a lot now .
Yea I do get things done,
but for interest-wise,
'it switches off by itself without my control, and I unable to reignite the light' .
Think about God, Shahrul .
Sigh .

Well, let me tell you how my life is right now .
I hardly have any friends now .
I turned dull, mindless .
Everything around me is alright, but I can't make any opportunities, for i'm not apt .
I've lost self confidence . I don't know whether that even has meaning to it .
Know what ?
I for once eyh,
I actually ..
I really feel worthless .
Think of God, Shahrul .

So to those reading,
sympathise if you want to .
If you know me, you'd know that I don't like sympathy towards me .
But I don't care already .
Also, laugh if you want to .
Go on and revel to your delight in my dismay .
I really, don't care anymore .
That's why I didn't bother replying to Luqman's comments anymore .
Yeah, I deleted his "No" comment, and he called me a Dickhead indirectly .
I didn't deserve it .. you don't know shit how I felt for those words .
Fuck your logic .
And I ain't even calling you names back .
I don't care anymore .
I'll do the same .
Like the wisest thing said to me yet,
"Since they don't care about you or make an effort to keep up the friendship, then why should you bother ?!"

Man .. I love the person who said that .
Serious shit .
Thanks a lot .
I realised that most of my friends don't put in as much effort as me into building up our friendships .
That's just how I feel .. so fuck if you don't otherwise .

hmm .. I have nothing to lose anyway .
Even if I do, i'll lose stupid and fucked up 'friends' .
heyhey, that's a step taken .
Friends .. i'm really bitter about that issue now .
Say whatever you want .

Lol, I finally know what people who were in my situation feel like .
Well, well enough .

I'm gonna make a short rap about Valentine's Day .
Love and shits, you know ?
About being single, feel me ?
Post it soon .

... fucking selfish people .

Specialist Diploma

2011-02-02T03:20:00.003+08:00

Worldly questions that I can only ask myself .. for nobody else would put their thoughts into them .

Alright .. here's what it is .
It's about 3.30 in the morning .
I woke up about 2 hours ago by a nightmare .
Serious shit,
why does someone you know carries a moving corpse that wants to burn you ?

I kinda only figured that image is important .
So i'm shrouding the albums in my facebook profile and putting them under consideration .

Well, I spent the entire afternoon just to collect my salary from 2 different jobs .
"Nak amek gaji pon makan mase satu hari ..."
(But it's alright, cuz I spent my journey time converting feelings and thoughts into lyrics)
I happened to come across this topic of conversation about salaries on an hourly basis .
Basically, whatever that is less than $7 is little .
So far, my hourly pay range has been from $6-$11 .
Ahaha, I had never complaint about my different pay though,
for I thought that it was good enough to even get $5 per hour .
So kids, listen up .
Try to find part time jobs that offers pay like what i've mentioned above .
Don't mind the distance; i've work at places that's literally at the other end of the map for months and still living .
Many others still do .
All you got to do is to take the MRT and/or a bus or two .
Also, if you claim that you want to 'gain experience' from working,
make sure you know what kind of experience you are looking for .
For instance, don't end up frying fries at the back of the kitchen when you are looking for customer interaction .
Don't be mindless, you fool . Ahahaa .

Well ..
It's disappointing to say that you'll still be surrounded by people who wants to see you down .
I don't know why they even approached the method of deprecating others to make them feel, superior .
It's disappointing to say that your friends priortise their others instead of you .
I thought we had it going not just good, but great .
It's devastating to say that your friends don't actually need you after those things that you've done for them .
I can't believe that everything just went down the drain .
All it took were a couple of months, or some miscommunication errors, to name a few .
... I guess they don't cherish our friendships as dearly as I have been, huh ?
Not to mention even trying to do something about it .

Anyway, i've been meeting up with some of my juniors .
I've been offering them advices and tangible things to aid them in their studies .
Books, calculators, motivation, my time .. you name it .
I just want them to do well like me .
Of course, preferably better . Ahahaa .
Though .. I won't deny the possibility that they will forget whatever i've done for them .
It happens, ya know ?
I thought to myself, "Since I know that could happen, then why bother ?"
.. I guess that's how I portray selflessness .
Yea, everything I do would just end up to naught,
but I always say that it's alright .. because I was sincere .

Here's a thought .
If you portray yourself unfavourably, say, like a matrep or ah beng etc,
people won't hesitate to judge you negatively and have a similar perception of you .
But if you portray yourself otherwise, say, seemingly normal .. claiming to be friendly etc,
they'll stop to hesitate and think .." Sure anot ?"
Of course, only some people could understand this thought .
Why is it difficult for people to believe at face value that there ARE people who are ambiguously good ? In general of course .
Once again, only some people could understand this thought .

It's close to 4.30 am now .
When I blog, I like to take it slow .. 'penning' down my thoughts into paragraphs ..
In such a way that it's easy to read .
Not like many others whom I know of .
... and it's too bad if any of you took it negatively .
What can I do if you don't like it, right ?

Anyway, I was just thinking about further studies when I came across this thought .
Advance/Specialist diploma .
I can always take a specialist diploma after serving NS .
It's not that I loath my course,
i'm just looking into alternatives .
I can take a Specialist Diploma in Molecular Biotechnology in Ngee An,
or a Specialist Diploma in Microbiology/Biotechnology/Cosmetic Science/Hermatology & Blood Banking in Singapore,
or perhaps a Specialist Diploma in Immunology & Infectious Diseases in Nanyang
or even a Specialist Diploma in Accounting and Finance in Temasek !
All of which I have interest in .
And the course duration for the courses mentioned is only 12 months !

I still would want to get into a University .
I still want to study Medicine .
I still will try to keep that hope ablazed .

Alright . Be cool .

Caught With 3 Jobs

2011-01-30T19:17:00.003+08:00

I wanna be successful .. but I don't know what does it mean .

Alright .
Here's what it is .
I kinda have been caught up with 3 different jobs .
Man, I can't believe that .

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A couple of days back on the 27th of January, I woke up in the early morning and head to work .
It was the belaying job .
So I was supposed to go to MOE Dairy Farm Adventure Centre .
I took the 961 bus, and alighted at a bus stop .
It was right in front of the Salvation Army building,
but I wasn't sure as there were heavy construction going on back then .
So from there, I had only needed to walk right up a few metres and turn right .
Instead, I crossed the road and turned left .. all the way into Dairy Farm Cresent .
I inquired a security guard there for directions .
She had no idea .
So ... I went deeper into the area .
I walked like, a kilometer or so until I realised that,
"Nah, this can't be the way to the site ."
....... So I walked all the way back and passed the guard post .
Then I walked around and .." Eyh, ain't that the place ?"
Ahahaha . It was just opposite the guard post, across the road .
That was how I started my day . Ahahahaha .

Soon after, I went into the compound .
Yea, it was a lil bit awkward as usual as there wasn't anybody I knew of
and the rest of my colleagues were older than me .
But I got acquainted with them soon enough and well,
everything went well from there onwards .

I felt quite worried as it was actually my first time belaying .
Back in sec 2 (during my leadership camp), I played the anchor man, 2nd belayer and rope manager roles, but not the belayer .
Of course, it's the kids safety that I have to account for,
and I can't be messing around .
But hey, everything went great .

I got more than what I bargained for .
I made friends, cultivated my leadership skills, learnt about nature and had fun .
I even tried rock climbing !
It was great, as I had never done so before .
Haha, I went up so quick, that I had comments like," Waaah, like monkey la you !"
Hahaa .

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The next day on the 28th of January, I woke up early in the morning .
I collected my uniform at Macpherson and went to work at Cold Storage in Holland Village .
Check out my facebook album Like A Freezer soon to see how it was like .

So I went around, walked on every corner of the compound to promote my product .
Serious shit, it's boring .

But I made a couple of friends .
Hahaa .
One of which was a guy close to reaching 40 ... yet still unmarried .
And he's most unlikely to ever get married with his status in life now .
I emphatised with him .
He shared with me a couple of his experiences in life though ...
Now, i'm more motivated than ever to study hard to achieve as high academically possible as I can .

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Then on the 29th of January, I had to go to another outlet which is near my previous one .
Okay ... it's near, when you look at it in the map .
I had to walk 20 minutes from Buona Vista without any shelter .
It was really lonely .. so I was extremely thankful for having my ipod with me .

I reached, got changed and got to work .
I was acquainted with two aunties just before starting work .
They were promoters too, but they promoted different products .
One was about 50 .. while the other was 24 .
But she had wanted me to regard her as aunty .. for she was already married with two children .
I understand though .
She was the best aunty i've ever met .. reason being something happened the next day .
Also, I made friends with two more people .
One of which is from Republic Polytechnic and the other ... Nanyang Technological University !
The rest and me were like," Waaaaah ! NTU sey !"
Hahaha . Lucky she wasn't in NTUC :p

As usual, promoting jobs are boring .
Fucking boring la sial, i'm not kidding .
I was only enticed by the pay, as it was practically easy money !
Ahahaha .
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So after work, went home straight to get changed and met up with my good friend, Hakim .
It was his birthday, so once again mate,
Happy 17th Birthday Hakim (:

Now ...
Now i'm basically free .
Man ...
Freedom has never tasted this great .
I was soo lethargic that I slept for 14 hours flat man .
When I realised, I only had about 3 hours of daylight left .
Tomorrow onwards, I plan to do a lot of things .

I don't wanna work if possible .
Yea, I can earn money from working .
But it consumes not just your day, but your life too .

I'll resume exercising tomorrow .
It's impractical for me to list down the activities that i'll indulge in,
so I ain't saying shit .

Alright .
Be cool .
Though I need somebody to say something .

Hmm .. where are you, girl ?... I think I really want you more than ever now .

JAE Posting Result

2011-01-26T18:24:00.002+08:00

.. Don't know how to react towards the fact .

Uh, yea ... Alright .
Here's what it is .

It has been a long busy week for me .
I fell sick .
I'm recovering .
And i'll be better real soon .
Seriously, what a week it has been .
Anyway, I won't talk about those things anymore,
for there's a matter that's pertinent to my future .
That's right, the JAE Posting Results of 2011 .

Well .. Really . I don't know how to react to it .
The course is pretty decent .. I won't say it sucks .
So upon the commencement of the JAE Appeal,
I immediately delve right into it .
I couldn't believe my eyes .. I wasn't eligible for my 3rd choice ANYMORE .
That's right, not anymore . The cop has raised by .. 2 points if i'm not wrong .

The hell .
I thought of regretting after having gotten my result .
You know .. I've NEVER imagined myself to be in that school, what more that course .
Once again, the course is pretty decent .. I still won't say it sucks .
Then again, I don't know much about the course anyway .

I've been comparing it with Medicinal Chemistry, the new course that's offered in Nanyang Polytechnic .
This course offers me a route to further my studies in a university studying Biomedical Science .
The job prospect of this course is great as the world needs more of such people trained in this field .

I'm in a dilemma .
I've filtered out 3 other choices that are closely related to the science field .
My friend, Afifah, would be taking Biomedical Science at Republic Poly .
That course .. Yeaa I gotta admit, i'm envious of her for getting that course .
Who would have thought that she would get that course anyway ? I didn't .
Hmm . I'm vexed .

This decision will determine what i'll do in the future ..
How i'd spend my 3 years in tertiary education ..
What i'd likely to work as ..
Hmm . I'm perplexed .

Well, I think that i'm gonna regret anyway .
Regret is as long as I don't get Biomedical Science .
Ahahahaa :D
My good fortune, karma struck .

I've got a friend who studies at the Polytechnic i'm gonna enrol into .
I met him at work .
Yeaaa .. he's one of those few people who are reliable and worth the while .
He helped me by telling me how poly life would be like there,
the kind of study environment that i'll be in,
the hairstyle (AHA :p),
the amenities and many more .
He the ONLY ONE that did la sial !
Turned out, they are quite favourable to me .
hahaa .. due to that,
it becomes even more difficult for me to decide between the two courses .
Ahahaa, that's right . That was a hint ;)
So yeaa .. Hmm . I'm vexed and perplexed to the max .
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Anyway, i'm starting work tomorrow !
It's a new job .
Yea, it's freelance .
But it's a fun job ! (:
Many more participations in that job and then i'll be recognised I hope,
to be called upon frequently .
Yeaaa .. ahaha .

Also, there's another job for me on Friday and Saturday .
Wow, can life get more interesting ?
It's relatively ... I can't say it's boring as people will be constantly watching me .
Yet, I can't say it's fun as I have to walk around for 8 hours straight .
Though, the pay is good . Really good .
Hey, i'm trying to earn my own pocket money right here . Ahahaa .

Then on Sunday, will be my outing with my two friends !
man, we've been friends for a long while now .. a very long while .
We'll have an awesome time adventuring (:

That's all for now .
Though before that ..
I just wanna say that i've started on a new rap .
It seems great to me .
Well, I might be delusional, but I really think its awesome .
And it''s only the first verse !

Alright, be cool .

To Relearn

2011-01-20T16:57:00.002+08:00

Alright .
Now here's what it is .

Recently, I was on the way home as I board the train .
Coincidentally, I came across my primary school friend .
It's a pleasure to catch up with old friends .
Just yesterday, I accompanied him to his shopping spree .
Ahaha .
It ain't a norm for guys to shop often ..
Maybe it ain't the case now .

I saw him smiling as he got his clothings purchased .
I finally understood the joy of shopping when I came across the kind of shirt that i've been looking for .
Man, was I overjoyed or whut .
Furthermore, they were on sale .
Though before I delightfully spent my money on those items,
I took a moment to consider .
Man, it was stressful .
Ahahaa . I'm sure many other shoppers can relate to this .

I decided that they were what I needed .
So with a deep breath, I got them purchased .
Yay ! lol .
To those who have been told about the kind of image i'd wanna portray,
know that i'm a step further now .
(:

I feel kind of stupid because I had to relearn some things again .
Though I should put that feeling aside, yea ?
I relearned that plain water does wonders for your voice .
That experience of finishing a Big Gulp of Ice Lemon Tea totally had my voice slurred and soft .

There are other things that i'm relearning .
I reckon this would be a good approach to understand myself better .
Thus i'll be relearning more things in the future from now on .

Alright, have a pleasant one .

2011-01-18T21:49:00.002+08:00

What is considered as having moved on ?

L. I've said it .
    Though at times, I kept thinking back .
    I could've just been reminiscing in the present moment .
    Or I had never left and contemplated on how I could try and make us together .

E. None of your words were superficial, for they always meant something to me .
    They were the harshest words any lover could have heard .
    It was exasperating !
    Could've gotten deranged just trying to make it all better .
    Yet they were the sweetest words ever,
    for I knew then that,
    I deeply meant something to you .

T. I laughed to myself .
    What a way to express one's feelings to another .
    Her impassioned message totally dismayed me .
    Though I learnt to see through the contention .

T. There was no escaping from the heartache .
     But I got to put it back together,
     for it's always better late than never .

E. Henceforth, I can only hope for the best things in life for you .
    A harmonious family .
    Reliable friends .
    A bright future .
    And a smiling heart, from within .

R. "Out of our minds,
      And out of time ..
      Wishing I could be with you,
      To share the view .."

I guess it's not about moving on .
It's about having a place in this heart .

Tongue Twisters

2011-01-17T13:54:00.003+08:00

Being on a hiatus is being in a thick mist .

Alright .
Here's what it is .

I haven't work for a lil more than a week now .
Man, I can't believe it .
Time passed by that quick ?
Well at least i've been keeping myself productive .

I spend hours in front of the laptop to learn new words .
Get myself familiarised with those words .
Learn how to employ those words in daily conversations .
And.. I conclude that I still have miles to go .
Ahahaa . I'm perfectly alright with that because
it ain't something that I am going to lament for spending long hours on .

Apart from consolidating my vocabularies in my ipod for reference,
i've been working my tongue out .
As you may know Tongue Twisters,
they are exercises to train one's tongue to improve enunciation of words .
I'm best with 'p' and 'b' consonants
though still need a lot of practise with 'l', 'r' and 'th' .
The 'th' can drive you mental, I tell ya !
Here are a couple of tongue twisters that you can try too .
Of course, you can attempt just for the fun of it !

Betty Botter bought some butter
but the butter Betty Botter bought was bitter .
So Betty Botter bought some better butter
to make the bitter butter Betty Botter bought better .
But instead of the better butter Betty Botter bought
making the bitter butter Betty Botter bought better,
the bitter butter Betty Botter bought
made the better butter Betty Botter bitter !

Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers;
A peck of pickled peppers Peter Piper picked .
If Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers,
then where's the peck of pickled peppers Piter Piper picked ?

Literally Literary

Red lorry, yellow lorry

Thirty-three thieves thought that they
could thrill the throne throughout Thursday .

Roberta ran rings around the Roman ruins .

She sells sea shells on the sea-shore .
The shells she sells are sea-shells, i'm sure .
For if she sells sea-shells on the sea-shore,
then i'm sure she sells sea-shore shells .

You want a Malay one ?
Kuku kakiku kaku . Ku kikis-kikis kuku kakiku .

Here's one in a language that I don't even know existed !
Cuando como poco coco, poco coco compro .
Cuando compro poco coco, poco coco como .

(It's something about coconuts . Serious !)

And there you go !
Of course if you're looking for an intensive tongue workout, the clean way (LOL),
then go Google and type "Modern Major General Lyrics" .
I love reciting it, I tell ya :D

Anyway, i'm reading about the Human Brain .
This will be another 'subject' that i'll cover .
Here's a quote that I randomly thought of:
A good doctor doesn't mistake your intestines for your brain .
Lol, they do look similar in a sense .

Well, after roaming about in cyberspace,
I came across articles on Fluid Intelligence .
After reading further plus some more articles whom many would find boring,
I landed upon this mental activity program called the Dual N-Back .

To my knowledge,
the Dual N-Back is a program used to ensure there are constant brain activity during MRI .
Basically, you can consider it a.. game ?
Try it .
Over time, it will cause you to increase in your Gf, or fluid intelligence .
Meaning, your IQ will improve !
Google," Dual N-Back Training For Intelligence" .
No harm trying, since some of you have nothing to do, right ?
Yea, other sources mentioned that you're IQ can't be changed from birth .
But who cares, just attempt it and have fun !

Alright .
That's all for now .
Be cool .

JAE Application

2011-01-12T01:10:00.002+08:00

Tantalized ..
Unsettled ..
Positive .

Alright .
Here's what it is .

I've contemplated over my 12 choices for my JAE appplication .
Here they were, in order of most preferred downwards:
1. Sp, Biomedical Science
2. Np, Biomedical Science
3. Nyp, Molecular Biotechnology
4. Sp. Biotechnology
5. Np, Molecular Biotechnology
6. Sp, Applied Chemistry with Pharmaceutical Science
7. Nyp, Pharmaceutical Science
8. Np, Chemical & Biomolecular Engineering
9. Sp, Material Science
10. Nyp, Chemical & Pharmaceutical Technology
11. Rp, Biomedical Science
12. Tp, Chemical Engineering
As you can see. I favour Biomedical Science most .
.. And yeah. Biomed of Rp is like 11th .
Also, my choices constitute of only Science courses .
.. Thus, ELR2B2-C applies for all . Sigh .
Honestly, I think that my best shot of being chosen based on my merit would be Material Science of Singapore Polytechnic .
But that's like .. 9th in the list . Lol .
I'd be elated if I were to get into ANY of those courses before SP's MS .
I can't guarantee whether I will work hard to excel in any of my choices ..
perhaps aiming for a scholarship .
But one thing's for sure;
My desire to get admitted into a University has been evoked .
Only after receiving O levels results, I realised the use for goal settings .
Hmm .. I'm still young .
I'll try to make the best of whatever course i'll be in (:

There was a mini dilemma session that went on for me earlier .
Some of my friends told me that the applications would be collated and then placed in order of merit, regardless of time .
However, i've consulted a few others, including those from Polytechnics themselves .
I was informed that results do matter on a first-come-first-served basis .
So, which one should I choose to believe ?
(Life is full of choices, yea ? -.-)
For me, I chose to play it safe and submit my application form as soon as possible .
Well, i'm tentative as to whether i'd get into any of my first 8 choices, what more the first 4 .
Hmm .. I hope that there would be a spot for me in Biomedical Science somehow ..
perhaps those clever people who scored damn good this year feel like going to JC ..
That way, there'd be lesser people enrolling into Biomed course in Sp or Np and
i'd stand a higher chance of getting into the course ! :D
This is where interest and first-come-first-served basis applies, I believe .

It's 2.30 in the morning .
Man, i'm too used to sleeping around this time .
Maybe i'll hit the hay at 4 later on .
And .. i've been chewing on a plastic spoon for 2 hours now .
The hell ?
Hmm .. i'm thinking of indulging in my favourite past time .
It has been ages since i've visited it .
If's there's anything interesting, i'll share it .

Oh yea, before I log out .
I hope you've received the letter, Boo (:

Alright, be cool .

O Level Results

2011-01-11T00:32:00.003+08:00

I'm in a perplexed state of mind .

Alright .
Here's what it is .
I finally received my O Levels results .
I have to say, I did quite well ..
for a person of my academic stature .
Well, I could have done better .
But I didn't . Why ?

Now finally, I understand the gravity into being academically apt .

I live, I learn .
There's really no use for regrets .
But hey, it does feel good to heave a gooood and looong sigh once every blue moon .
Hence just for the record,
there is a sense of regret in my soul now .
I should have study harder .

I want to be a doctor .
I've forgotten where I acquired that ambition .
The hell .
Basically, a more clear path to study Medicine
will be to get admitted into a JC .
Onwards from there, I should excel beyond the masses to get admitted into a recognised university to study Medicine .
But for a Poly route to a university,
it's a precarious matter for me .
I thought that maybe if I get to a Biomedical Science course in a Poly,
i'd stand a good chance .
Well, it turned out that I AM eligible to enrol for a BMS Diploma in polys that issue recognised certificates .
However, based on the previous year's Cut-Off Points,
I am only limited to the specified course,
in Republic Polytechnic .

Up to date,
almost EVERYBODY has discourage me to take up BMS in RP .
Even the Biomedical Science students studying in RP themselves !
Why must there be a PBL in RP ?! Really makes decision making even more exasperating man !
(Why am I blaming the situation ? Ahaha .)

I don't know what to do ...

Okay, that was like 15 minutes ago .
I've got to pick myself up now .
I'm gonna see what are my options,
the chances,
the availability of my preferred courses,
the career pathway
and finally tune myself into accepting the most feasible decision that I can conjure .

The dateline is 5 calendar days starting from 3pm, 10 January 2011 .
Damn, this will be the most vexing 5 days of my life man -.-
Ahahaa .
Well, let's just make do with what I have now, and make the best out of it .
Yeaa, that should be a feasible precedent for the future (:

Anyway, here's how I fared for my O levels .
I've gotten 'B' grades for all of my subjects except for an 'A' for my Phy/Chem .
Heyhey, I did pretty well there (:
This is not enough, so i'll strive further .

It's like 1 am now .
I've been feeling troubled ever since 7 pm .
Lol . Ahahahaaa .
It's alright . I don't get troubled like this often .

Later, i'm gonna collect my salary .
It's 6 days worth ! Jyeah !
Soo many blue notes !
Ahahaha :D See how easily contented I am ?
I'm gonna buy food for the house .
I'm gonna set aside a portion for social usage .
Also, not to forget buying a guitar .
And yea, save the rest for the freaking laptop .
Oh wait, yea .
If I don't go into RP, then I might just not need a laptop !
:O

Okay .
Let's go .
Alright .
Be cool .

Just Introspecting..

2011-01-07T21:05:00.002+08:00

bruised and battered
endorsed

If you got something to say then say it .

Alright .
Here's what it is .

It's been a while since I actually had the mood to blog ..
blog as how I used to .
Yea, you'd see my life changing stories and such .
Lol .
Yeah, they broaden my view of the world .
However, I feel smaller .
Ain't no wonder some people just think that they are soo big .

I've been working often .
I've just broken my continuous working streak that ended by the 6th day .
I'm lethargic, I tell ya .
I've been busy with work ..
Basically, my work takes up like almost the whole of my day .
Sometimes, I feel like just staying at home and just spend some time for myself .. do some raps .. you know .
Most of the time, I feel like messaging people .
Turned out, there are a lot of people who messaged me .
I kinda feel .. partly guilty because I told some of them that i'll get back to them soon. But I didn't .
I also feel partly irritated by some .
Serious, I feel .. This is the part where you'd wish that you've never met them .
Still, all the conversations led me to realize another thing .
I've changed .

Serious shit, I .. I don't know what word to use that is appropriate for this statement but simply said,
I feel deproved .
But the issue is, it's not like i'm actually doing anything about it .
I'm supposed to feel enraged for being the way I am now .. or deplorable .. perhaps confounded .. and all those other weird words .
But instead, I feel indifferent .
It's like I don't want to change .
But I dislike myself now .
Certain characteristics of mine revealed themselves as such that
I couldn't believe some things that I said or do .

I suppose lethargy have taken its toll on me .
I don't pose that vivacity persona much anymore .
I need that vigor .. I need a boost ..
But I don't know how to get there, you feel me ?
Ahahaa . I used to be able to just, solve everything on my own .. especially on such issues .
Even if I tell people my problems, it's not like whatever they do have any effect on me .
How is it beneficial ?
Okay, maybe it is , but I need you to tell me how it is so .

I'm planning to leave my hair be to let it grow long .
The last time I had a haircut was a few days before the first O levels paper .
About 2 months have passed, but I feel that my hair is still short .
Well, it's has grown longer per say,
but it's the stage of growth where I really dislike my hair .
It's not long . Neither is it short .
It's a pain to maintain .
It's troublesome, cumbersome, leceh, ma fan and all those other weird words .

Just this coming Monday,
i'm going to collect my O levels Results .
Time passed by real quick, yea ?
But before I may be able to do so,
I have to pay my school fees .
What the goat -.-
It's like, 3 days' salary worth of work man !
I've been saving up for a laptop,
but my efforts look bleak .
Anyway, I still can't believe it's 2011 .
I'm not schooling anymore .
Hmm .
Here are some of the things that I want to do when I return to school, to wit,
pay my outstanding fees,
head towards the hall and listen to statistic talks by the principal before finally receiving my results,
take pictures with some friends of those whose ages are 13-17,
chat with the canteen vendors,
catch up with some friends,
clean my memento that I left at school ..
and finally, I want to meet you, Boo .
I have something meaningful to give you, for it would be the last tangible thing i'd give to you .
After that .. I have to move on with life .

Well, i've been thinking of getting a new guitar .
My old one could be considered obliterated .
It's not even actually mine to begin with !
This time, I will buy a simple guitar .
Learn songs to amuse myself and cater to my emotions .
I don't want to join any bands or to impress anyone .

Currently, I don't know what I can do to improve myself .
I want someone to enjoy life with ,
because I used to say," Hidop kene enjoy," .
I know positivity and all those qualities come from within but,
I just want someone else to clap me forward .
That's just how I feel .

Alright .
Have a good night .

Taking Charge

2011-01-06T03:16:00.003+08:00

Alright .

There are a couple of things I plan to do
in my attempt to revamp myself and my situation in life .
Though, I am still not able to distinctively define them .
Also, I procrastinate on such matter .
I never wondered why .
Perhaps it was because of my daily schedule .
I practically work almost everyday .
Get home lethargic .
Just nice wake up to bathe, get ready and head for work .

I plan to take the following week off from work .
From this week,
Saturday, have an awesome rest at home !
Go kedai buy my favourite you tiaos, pepsi/coke/icelemontea, bubor hitam/tao swan etc !
Sunday, if I won't be posted to Mice at work, then i'll work . Otherwise, i'll see what I can do .
Monday, head to school to pay school fees (-.-) and then collect my O levels results .
Tuesday, Head to the Singapore Zoo and more to be confirmed .
Wednesday, I really want to laze about and stay idle at home .. it's what they call 'rotting' . But working is more productive .
Thursday, perhaps work ..
Friday, work ..
In this case, I would only get about $150+ of salary next week ! :O

I received a message from school reminding me that I have fee arrears amounting to $152 to be paid ..
Only then I can collect my results .
What the goat !
That's about three days' worth of work la sey !
Oh well, at least i'm paying .

Anyway, I used to wonder how the adults feel like.
I mean, going to work, then returning back home right after .
And the cycle repeats for about 300 days a year or so .
It gets lonely .
Most people don't hangout cause they can't .

Work is like school; You'll enjoy if you have friends .
One difference is the kind of friends you'll make .
I understand now that adults have nothing to lose, but only to gain .
That's why adults are more likely to talk !
Most children or teenagers would shunt themselves away because they don't know who the hell you are .
It's freaky to them when someone can easily have a jovial conversation with a stranger,
as if with his bestfriend.
There are many narrow-minded people .
Confidence is mistaken for freaky .
Charm is mistaken for flirt . Of course, in a negative context .
Kindness is mistaken for malicious deeds .
How to live like this ?!

Now is about a quarter to 4 in the morning .
Gotta get ready by 10 plus to meet some sec sch friends .
We will be heading to Republic Polytechnic for it's open house !
I would only have less than 2 hours, so i'll be making a priorty list .
First: Biomedical Science
Second: Biotechnology
Third: Other science courses .

Currently, I have ambitions to be a doctor .
But, I have no idea how to get there,
or whether I would have the aptitude for such intellectual demands .
I'm slow .
I have poor memory .
I'm sloppy .
I'm not confident .
I'm not systematic .
I honestly don't follow logic . That lead to imprecations against me .
I'm a feeling kind of person, as some of you have been told .
I'll teach you how to feel .
Remember that phrase ? Ahahaa .

Seriously, I need to change .
Hmm.
Lets criticise myself constructively .
I've grown soft .
I've been too patient.. condoning such teasings towards me that .. I actually am becoming one .
I used to be rugged .. I need to be once again .

You know,
I can really backspace everything before this paragraph .
That's why I didn't bother to highlight any words before this .
Why ?
Because I really don't know what to do in my life now .
I'm being put into a situation where im forced to be independent
and take responsibility of my life .
It's difficult .
It's fucking difficult .
I used to be spoon-fed like most of you all .
We have to go to school .
We have to obey rules .
Even if we break, the ramifications would only be detention or just suspension .
Detention is great; You can talk to the teacher in charge . Everyone who goes in does that -.-
Suspension is better ! Free holiday .
See, we take these matter lightly .
Being in charged of your life, you are presented with three options:
- To do something
- To not do something
- To procrastinate
It really is exasperating when you are being presented with choices .
I finally am starting to see that I need to take charge of my life .
My own life .

Being The Better Person

2011-01-04T03:44:00.003+08:00

I'm a profoundly compassionate and discerningly kind guy .
Even I myself can't believe it at times.

Well, that's what it is, Me .
Things have happened,
have been happening
and will happen .
Throughout my course of work during the holidays,
I discovered aspects of me that made me understand myself better .

Right now, this is the issue at work .
It's making every single one of my Friends at work all enraged and worked up .
This is my side of the story ..
In the room, it was Farhan, Hyqal and myself .
We were chatting away to pass time .. at the same time, it was sort of a bonding session .
All of a sudden, an aunty in her forties came to us with a request .
She was a Malay female, thus i'll refer to her as makcik .
Bear in mind, i'm a Malay too .
The makcik asked for help, saying that she needed help to carry something .
Without even thinking about it, I stood up and offered to aid her .
So we went into the kitchen .

In the kitchen, she asked me to carry a metal grill up from the metal table .
Let me describe in further detail so that you can have a sense of what the hell was on the table .
There was a metal grill, with the handles at the sides .
On top of it, there were rocks .. if I were to count em, it would amount to about a 50-70 of em .
The rocks were the size of a hockey ball, only slightly smaller .
I knew that if I were to carry the grill from the sides,
the rocks would topple over onto the floor just right in front of me .
I knew that I needed to push the grill backwards to avoid dropping the rocks, after assessing the problem .
There was only one thing that I didn't know :
Was the grill hot ?
(There were cases of scalds and burns that have occured, I was just being cautious)
Hence, I tried to lightly tap the metal grill from the front .
But you know what ?

The makcik said to move aside and told me that I was slow .. adding that was it even difficult to do it .
Aha ... I just replied ," Okayyyy, sorryyy ."
Then I went back into the room .
For the first time ever, I cursed an old lady silently .
Soon after, my friend went out into the kitchen .
Makcik: (Translated) Eyh, your friend is a softy eyh .
(Buto, dier panggil aku lembot..)
Hyqal: (Translated) What ? He's straight la !

All three of us had a conversation after that .
I tried to remain on good terms with her and keep the atmosphere calm .
That was until she said I was lembot right in front of my face .
I was...
What would you do if you were in my position ?
What happened during that moment.. I won't elaborate further .

Yea, I was upset .
I had the intention to help .
I WAS FUCKING UPSET LA SIAL !
But soon after, I let the matter rest .
I didn't want to hold any grudges .
Days later when we saw each other again, I just kept quiet and just didn't bother to look at her .
I just needed time to forget the whole incident and move on .
But you know what ?

... She told everyone that aku lembot behind my back.
She told anyone who's working at Osia about me ,
and she even exaggerated my way of tapping the unknowingly hot or not metal grill,
making me sound like a real lembot .
In english, she meant that I was a sissy .
I got to know about it when my friends told me myself .
...... I was like, what ?
My friends were all furious .
MARAH LA SIAL ! MARAH !

Hmmm .
Well, they are willing to confront her .
But their ways are irrational .
Here's how I feel .
I feel like, not giving, but throwing her a fucking tight slap to her face .
That's just how I feel .
But I know clearly that that ain't gonna resolve the matter .
I want to talk to the makcik in a civilize manner .

Haiz ..
I WAS JUST TRYING TO HELP LA SIAL !
WHY CAN'T SHE BE PATIENT FOR A LITTLE WHILE WHILE I WAS TESTING WHETHER THE GRILL WAS HOT OR NOT ?!
WHY DID SHE HAD TO TALK ROTTEN ABOUT ME TO EVERYBODY ?!
WHAT THE FUCK DID I DO TO HER ?
IT'S FUCKING OUTRAGEOUS .

WORLD, I TELL YOU NOW .
THIS IS FUCKING TYPICAL !
AIN'T NO WONDER THE WORLD IS NEVER AT PEACE !
FUCK .
I RESENT BERATING SUCH PEOPLE,
BUT THIS IS THE FUCKING TRUTH .
DALAM BAHASE MELAYU," MEMANG BETOL PERH?!"
THOUSANDS OF OTHERS WOULD AGREE LA SIAL .
PUKIMAK PUNYE MAKCIK !

Well, it could be that she just wanted to talk to people,
and the only topic she could think up of other than the typical," how long have you work here?"
was about me .
Furthermore, stories about me are juicy, right ? (That was fucking sarcastic)
So, I guess she was just lonely .

Well, that is just one story .
There are a plethora of similar cases that surrounds me .
Calling me names behind my back .
I never did anything to them .
I even helped them for that matter la sial !
I learnt that there are many HYPOCRITES .

.... For real,
I don't deserve to be treated that way .

Hmm, but it's alright .
Hey, I get to learn about life man .
Due to this, I see people stood up to me .
I see people siding people despite them being in the wrong .
I hear people making stories .
I see people gullible enough to believe em, despite being older and supposedly more matured than me .
I see the people who are not worth the effort .
I see how people would do anything to defend themselves until they are at their wits' end, despite being in the wrong .
I see hypocrites .
I see that people have the tendency to only think from their point of view and care about their
feeings .
Aku nampak ramai orang loyar buruk .
(It shows a lot about your heart)
I learnt that i'm a damn forgiving person .
I learnt that my level of tolerance is high .
I learnt that I handle situations in a phlegmatic and rational manner .
I learnt that I really am a matured guy .
I learnt to laugh it off .. hahaa .

So yea, i'm all better now.
Ergo,
i'm a profoundly compassionate and discerningly kind guy,
that even I myself can't believe it at times .
Ahaha .
Alright, be cool (:
Happy New Year !

With Grace, Farewell 2010 .

2010-12-31T23:24:00.004+08:00

Alright .

It's 35 minutes till the start of the brand new year .
Ergo before I usher in 2011,
i'd like to say a few words .

The year 2010 have been an elevator ride for me .
I had a lot of ups and downs ..
When it's up, it goes real high .
But when it's down, it goes real low.

I have a couple of regrets ..
Well, due to those regrets,
i've learnt a lot about Life .
Ergo, i've never regretted having those regrets .

I still remember clear my New Year Resolution for 2010 ..
To appreciate the people around me .
You know what ?
I really did .
Due to that, i've formed bonds that I never imagined I could have .
Sure, friends come and go .
But there were a bunch of people who made my effort worth it .
Nothing lasts forever, so enjoy those moments while you can ..
Same goes for the rest of this year .

It's 30 minutes more till 2011 .
You know, I still can't believe it's gonna be 2011 soon .
Usually, it'd be a brand new year in the same old school, with the same people and environment .
But 2011 will be different ..
I'll most resolutely be admitted to a Polytechnic .
I'm going to be older .
I'm going to be exposed to more people from a variety of backgrounds .
I'll experience a plethora of situations which i've never did had before this .
I'm no more a boy .. i'll grow up .

It's 25 minutes more till 2011 .
It's this time of the year where you feel that it'd would be great to just,
spend time sitting on a bench with a special someone or people,
that includes a girl, a boy, a family and such .
For me, i'd like to just sit beside this girl ..
Look at the fireworks together ..
Usher in the new year together ..
Ask about each other's New Year Resolutions ..
and so on .
But guess what ?
I'm still single .

Only recently I understood why people love to always be in a relationship .
If possible, a long lasting one .
Of course, i'm now seeing it from a different perspective .
Life .. it changes oneself as it makes you see from a different light .
I've been couped up in my own world that I fail to see the real deal .
Slowly but steadily, more and more i'm seeing these things .
All the more I should strive for top honours .

It's 20 minutes more till 2011 .
It's soo close !
Time passes that quick, yea ?
No kidding ..

This is how I feel regarding the transition from 2010 to 2011 .
I feel like I don't want to leave behind 2010 .. But i'm looking forward into moving on .
I feel like I can't wait for living Life in 2011 but I feel reluctant to do so .
I'd wish for time to come to a standstill .

It's 15 more minutes till 2011 .
Well, life have to go on .
I really cannot grasp this moment ..
It's a HUGE issue for me, you know ?!
I'll be no more a boy in school uniform .
I'll be no more a small kid .
There's a lot of things that I won't be anymore .
My life will change more drastically from now for anything can and will happen .

Well, i'm gonna end the last post for 2010 for Rhythm of my Funk .
I've given a lot of deliberation on it ..
It might seem familiar to some, but it really is and has been what i've been planning to to and be .
Ergo, here's my New Year Resolution for 2011 :

I'll be a whole new story now .
Be part of it ;)

With grace, farewell.. 2010 .

Cheers to all, have an awesome one for the rest of the year (:
Welcome, 2011 !
Alright, be cool ;)

Learning About Myself

2010-12-27T22:59:00.005+08:00

Alright .
It's been a while since i've did a proper post .
Let's get it done .

People tell you to be ambitious .
Have a dream in life .
Work towards it .
Then relish your position once you're there .
Often if not always, they don't tell you what happens after that .
I have a couple of ambitions in life,
in the sense of being what I want to be when I grow up .
After i've consolidated enough interests for this particular profession,
I hope my passion for it remains resolute enough to last me till i'm old and gray .
I want to be a Doctor .
I want to help people by means of health and well-being .
I feel a sense of joy when I help people .
I want to choose this path .
I hope to meet like-minded people along the way .
I hope to make the world a better place, hand in hand with them .
I honestly don't know how the hell I am to be able to have that ambition of mine consummated .
But this is life .

Well, life can and will put you down .
Since we are subjected to being pushed down,
our faces can be flipped from a frown,
as life can and will push you back up .
I knew almost nobody as I entered the working world .
Despite those whom I already knew of, we were nowhere close .
I've been put down everytime I go to work .
I knew nothing .
I got bullied .
I was to work with the people whom most people detest .
I kept being called names for my actions .
... i've been tolerant .

Despite all that, I believe I did managed to flip my frown .
I helped people whereever possible .
I remained positive .
I motivated myself .
I enjoyed myself .
Ergo you should know, persistence pays off .
I'm acquainted with everybody .
I'm friends with almost all of them .
A few of them tick me off .
Though I know they still deserve some attention;
They feel alone .
I have empathy towards people .

As days past by, I learn a couple of things about myself .
It's during certain moments where you'll see yourself stripped to the rawest of personas .
Ergo, it can be said that I could be a moving pinnacle of Kindness .

Although, a great deal of people don't know how to appreciate such rarity .
That's why kindness tends to be exploited .
That's why people grow up with the mindset of .. I don't know how to put this in words .
They're so bent on not wanting to be stepped upon like a walking doormat
that they contribute to animosity that continues to pervade the air each time it happens ..
because it happens all the time!
And a great deal of them don't know how to handle such situations, at the most crucial of moments .
When life throws a lemon at your face, you'd pick it up from the floor and hurl back harder .
When life throws a lemon at your face, you could throw a durian in a visceral reaction .
But when life throws a lemon at your face, why not peel it and then give it back ?
He'd eat the lemon, feeling bad for trying to hurt you when you won't hurt him back .
That's where he'll feel the sting of his own actions, when he tastes the sourness of his own lemon .
Take this metaphor and learn from me .

Notes

2010-12-25T12:47:00.003+08:00

I'm about to go to work in a lil while .
Though, there's a few issues I wanna post to be used as notes .

It's with every step,
however small it is .

It started with my name,
so it ends with the other person's .

Rapping has lost it's meaning to me having been mundane,
the clues are conspicuous, so it's time to work my brain .

Disconsolated

2010-12-22T00:13:00.002+08:00

The full moon remains bright ..

Alright .
Here's what it is .

I feel like deleting all my contacts .
Like, everyone whom I ever knew .
It ain't as if I have anything against them .
Though .. hmm .
I guess I now know why people have lesser and lesser friends as they get older .

Anyway, i've learnt things about myself lately .
My level of patience is high .
I can't believe it myself .
Though .. I really do not have the aptitude for giving repartees .
Thus, i'm like a thick wall .

Hmm .. also, I just got to know a few hours ago that,
a friend of mine passed away .
He had not many family members to talk about, thus he got cremated on the day he died .
That's just .. can you imagine if he were you ?
My condolences to anyone who loved him dearly .
I feel so sorry for him ...
He was just starting to put everything in his life in order ..
Rebuild a new life for himself after being released .
We jusssst had a jovial conversation less than a week ago .
Sigh .
People can be gone forever just like that, huh ?
No, I haven't only come to know it now ..
it's just that i've only felt a certain level of significance only now .

I've been gazing at the screen for the past 15 minutes ..
So much I wanna say ..
I just wanna say it to a person ..
a close friend, preferably .
Sorry for being pessimistic but, I guess it's not possible .

Hmm .
I forgot how to be witty .
Shaun, help me .
(Wit is an important attribute to have because it has a variety of uses . I tell ya that .)

I guess .. i'm turning introverted .
Then again, I guess it's just my environment .
Hmm.. maybe from now onwards,
it would be a good time to focus on studies as soon as I get admitted into a polytechnic .
Get a diploma ..
Study Medicine in NUS or some other university and graduate ..
Become a doctor ..
Then a senior one ..
Then I don't know .. wait for death to take me away perhaps .

The Assimilation

2010-12-17T03:31:00.003+08:00

With the wind brushing against my ear as I sat as the corner of the vehicle .
It was as if a fracus occured everytime it accelerates .

Alright .
Here's what it is .

I took an off day from work on Friday .
Why ?
Specially for this reason: To have a mini belated celebration for one of my good friends, Syahrul Nizam .
He deserves any good comings from anyone involved 'later' on after Friday prayers .
I'm even willing to give him a big treat using the money that i've earned ..
Terror, right ?
Though my salary for that week was .. only two days' worth !
It ain't a lot,
though I have all resolute faith that he is worth it .
Friends: They come and go for me .
But i'll make his day in commemoration of his previous acts , stature and other attributes you can think of .

Anyway, here's an update on the progress of the skills that I acquired .

Braille:
I can already visually read them individual letters .
I take some time to figure out the words that forms the sentence,
for every word has a couple of letters requiring deciphering .
I even write in Braille letters .
So far, so good .
However, i'm still unable to feel the bumps on the actual Braille letters .
Ergo, I still am not astute enough to perceive the world with just the sense of touch .
What if i'm blind one day ? Give that a thought .

Left-handed writing :
As you would know i'm right-handed,
attempting to write with my left hand on a regular basis is pretty excruciatingly exasperating .
(What a way to describe the feeling, huh ? hahaa)
Though, i'm constantly improving on it .
When I write fast, my words are still illegible .
When I write slow, the level of efficiency is serious low .
Those are areas where I can still improve on .

Right-handed writing:
Lol .
But on a serious note, I want to be discerningly apt at cursive handwriting .
The world is big . Your handwriting says at least something about you .
Though of course, the consensus is volatile .

Inverted writing:
Aha .
It's easy, I tell ya .

Reading inverted words:
Double aha .
It's difficult, I tell ya .
It may come to a point where you can become deranged .
You'd wish there's some sort of mirror in your eyes .
Hahahaa .
But i'm improving .

First Aid:
Honestly, I need constant recapping .
Though one rule is already innate in me; Use my surroundings to my advantage .
That includes my clothes .. you know the rest .

Washing skills:
(Inside joke)

Vocabulary:
You can see it for yourselves .
Yea, i've been studying new words on the regular .
The thing about it is that .. it takes a while for those weird words to transform into a feeling .
Language is like that. You know the deal .
I may not know much to say, for example in the event I need to conjure a riposte .
Though hey, it's feeding a person prone to get fat .
If you get my metaphor .

Patience:
It's a skill, I tell ya .
Alongside other virtues, it is stil standing strong .

Articulation:
Aha .
Honestly, I haven't been speaking much with a true voice lately .
Autumn has turned into winter in the lumen of life, if you understand my metaphor .
(Kay, that's quite a difficult one to comprehend .)

People:
Well, it's a skill too .
Say when a person talks, listen .
Make eye contact and such, you know the deal .
Hmm.. I realise this of myself; When people compliment me, I can't make eye contact .
I don't know why myself .

Alright .
I'm gonna hit the hay now .
Though one final comment I wanna express:
Hey Asyran, thanks a bunch dude .
You were there when I was at my lowest during that period of time .
Furthermore, I grew to love my environment more and more each time I attended work now.
What a great guy you are .
You have my gratitude .
You know what he did ? He opened a window for me .

Man ... Karma sure works surreptitiously .

Like most people I now know,
he doesn't deserve to be hurled such names,
for he ain't one .
The world is already messed up .
Though i'm seeing more and more kinds of people ..
and my eyes are bigger than ever now, if you understand my metaphor .

Alright, be cool .

Oh yea .
Basically, a fracus means a noisy quarrel .
Basically, astute means clever .
Basically, excruciating means a pain that makes you go demented .
Basically, demented means crazy .
Basically, a lumen means a hole .
Basically, a riposte means a quick comeback .
Basically, conjure means to produce .
Basically, exasperating means really, really annoying .
Basically, surreptitiously means being done secretly .

Who Ain't ?

2010-12-16T03:45:00.003+08:00

As I sit and stare into the distant ..
(hoping not to see any soft beings though.. it's 3 in the morning)
.. I grow annoyed .

Alright .
The fact is right there and there .
I deplore saying this statement but ..
They are all the same .
Really man .. fuck .

Forget etiquette .
For when they are at the most intrinsic moments, especially with their friends ..
Sigh .
I can't expand the circle without even having a thought to utter .

It's something cultural ..

I give up .

Everybody Have ..

2010-12-14T22:40:00.002+08:00

Blame me.. for making the world a better place .

Alright, lets get it on .
You know ..
I'm really feeling all lovey dovey now .
Hahaa, as I imitate you ..
As you're the only person I can think of .

Everybody have somebody on their minds.

If anybody knows of a good love song, one of which hopefully I don't already know of, do share it with me (:
Though yea, I doubt there'd be any . Hahaa .

I'm making good progress at work,
in terms of public relations . Chey .
I befriended everyone .
Of course, reciprocity isn't paramount in individuals .
But well, whatever ah .. This is where you gotta 'perangai' a lil bit .

I'm saving up for a laptop ..
alongside that, i'm saving up for a guitar too .
Nothing fancy; I just want one to play with .
Then get all emotional .. 'feeling2' as they would say .
Come on, don't think jiwang just because i'm a Malay . Racists .
Yeah, i've met a couple of racists here and there .
I feel like imprecating them .
But i'm ever patient (:

I just gave a glance out the window and guess what I saw ?
The moon (:
It's half the complete moon though .
I guess that's my disposition, for I would feel complete if I have a girl to be with me .
Of course, respecting myself, I won't need anyone to make me feel complete .
But hey, I want it that way .
Hence, I don't just say," I'm not complete without my other half," without a reason to it .

Alright,
i've done downloading new lovey dovey songs, adding to my existing ones, to my ipod .
That'd keep me pretty occupied, satisfied and all the -ied words you can think of that pertains .
Okay, got to super glue my working boots and get ready my uniform .
And hmm, forget spending time with people .
During holiday periods, people somehow always gets influenced .
Some for the better, most for the .. you know the deal .
I can't change them to what they were before .
I really resent that, for I like most of them before they 'improve in both directions, not just the opposite'..
if you understand my metaphor .

Approach me to enjoy nature together (:
I just prefer doing other activities than watching movie.. go to a fast food restaurant to eat .. walk a bit..
then go home .
You know how it goes. And that was just an example .

Ergo, changes never change .
It finally has meaning to me .

Alright, be cool .
And by the way, the word ergo means therefore .
It's simple as that .
What a word, right?

Such Words

2010-12-12T20:09:00.002+08:00

You know what ?
I just stared into space for a little while and I reminisced about the past .
Lol, i've been reminiscing as if i'm 70 years old or something .
This quality that I developed and improving on the constant: Confidence .

I've been shy .
Yeah, it ain't a kidding statement .
I understand why people were quite last time .
Most of the things in the past were simple .
When people keep quiet and give you that look (really, a what the fucked look)
you get this feeling .
You'll start to question," Why is he/she looking at me? "
"There must be something going on ."
You ask," What's wrong?/ Kenape?"
They'd go," Oh, nothing ."
I grew to know better not to believe such shit .
There's never nothing .
Yea perhaps, what was their minds was just an irrelevant thought .
But you know you've contributed to that cognitive process in the person .
It's useful to have this mindset . Why ? So you learn to see through what's under the surface .

Sadly, it's only used for such circumstances .
Think .
When people throw you a putdown, (a remark that is meant to hurt your spirit)
you tend to fight back .
Make a repartee . Scold him . Angst .
I really thought that most people can understand that,
"Oh, he must have had a bad day/something is bothering him.. perhaps I should stay clam, understand him."
Instead, guys go," Fuck you ah ! !@#$%^& (a comment about, say, your mother)
and girls would go," @#$%^^& ( disparaging sexual comments about you) You clit's too loose!"
Come on !
Even i'm trying to find a word to replace 'Fuck' .

Bad words are a norm nowadays .
Hmmm.
In Kindergarden, calling others 'Stupid' is mean and you were thought not to say such words to others .
In Primary School, calling other 'Bastard' is mean and you were thought not to say such words to others .
In Secondary School, you learn almost every maledictive words that is available and use em often .
You wanna bet that the society ain't what it is ?
At Work, howevery cultured the environment is, you'd hear such words all the time .
Don't believe me, go to work .

So, we were thought not to say such words .
So why in the end, people say such words frequently ?
Can't find other words to put people down ?
Suddenly, A cursed B.
B cursed D.
C cursed A .
F cursed E .
...
Suddenly, people retaliate in the same manner .
"Fuck you !"
"Fuck you back !"
It's almost a visceral reaction of humans .
Means it's characterised by Instinct rather than Intellect .
Why ?
Due to this, the self confidence of people have been made vulnerable .
Why ?
Because we feel a need to always protect ourselves from such remarks .
Such remarks have been ingrained at the back of our minds that they're offensive to us
and we have to defend back .
Since we are such intellectual individuals,
why can words hurt us ?
Shouldn't we know better that we can just brush those words aside ?
Surprisingly, some of us just cannot !
That's what I observe !
Why ?
I don't know .. maybe because they are bound to easily lose confidence ?

All that that i've just mentioned, is just one scenerio .
Confidence .
A quality of trustworthiness in a person .
Instead of learning how to mitigate such tension or even preventing such conflicts to arise,
we learn how to hurl such words in retaliation .
What? Revenge is sweet ?

I believe people are inclined to have revenge BECAUSE of that phrase .
I can't really explain it .
But that's what I notice over the years .

I now know why are humans fragile
(of course, due to other reasons too)

Another First Day of Work

2010-12-11T15:02:00.003+08:00

Alright .
I've got my muse .
Lets roll .

It has been a busy week .
I ain't just saying .
There have been a day's worth of hours wasted .
Yea, I kinda resented that .
But hey, I can only keep looking forward .

Every single day, i've been on the regular when it comes to expanding my vocabularies .
Yea, I ain't saying short term .
I never used to be able to do this .. put commitment in such actions like learning new words everyday .
I didn't have much free time on my hands lately .
But when I do, I would take out my ipod and just read up on all the new words
that i've collected over the past two weeks .
Yea, the list will definitely grow . Not only in virtual memory but in my memory .

I just wanna get this done and over with, so lets quickly talk about working .
Once again, i've started working .
Man .
So far, i've worked at two different places .
Coincidentally, both my workplaces are hell distant from my house .
Last year, I had to leave home at noon .Work started at 2 pm .
This year, I still have to leave home at noon, but work started at 4 pm .
Last year, I used to get home at around 1 am .
This year, I reach home at 3 am .
Last year, I worked at a quite isolated place Joo Chiat area .
This year, I work at Resort World Sentosa .
Last year, I don't even sit during work .
This year, I still can't sit during work .
Last year, I was fascinated by the attractive hourly pay .
This year, I am once again fascinated by the attractive hourly pay .
Last year, I.. don't know what else to think about my job .
This year, I.. am starting to get used to it .
Last year, I fell on purple rain every single time I work .
This year, I am making a reign over my perceptions .
Last year, I felt marooned .
This year, I feel enlightened .
Last year, I had my self-esteem obliterated .
This year, I am building up my self-esteem .
Last year, I felt lost .
This year, I am piecing up the scattered fragments of glass doors .
Last year, I needed to be allayed of my fears that poisoned my mind .
This year, I have had my mind cleansed steadily after migitations .
Last year, I hear maledictions every 5 minutes .
This year, I hear maledictions every 5 minutes still .
Last year, I ached my feet like damn !
This year, I ache my back like damn !
Last year, I got acquainted with people whose personae are ...
This year, I got acquainted with the same type of people .
Last year, I felt desolated being out of town .
This year, I don't talk to the wall anymore .

First day of work ain't that bad .
Typically, people won't talk to you unless you talk to them .
So, how the hell are you to talk to them if they are ..
I managed to be of acquaintances with almost everyone . But it wasn't that smooth .
The guys there are much older than me .
Bigger than me .
Almost opposite of me .
Tatoos .
Smoke .
Piercings .
Stares .
I was quite daunted la siol .
But being in such a place, you got to be phlegmatic . Remember that .
Like i've told to some of you; If you want people to take you seriously, don't behave like a girl .
You know what I mean .

Alright . Be cool .

That Silver Lorry

2010-12-11T03:37:00.004+08:00

3am .
Just got home .
Tell ya about work life from my eyes soon .
Aha .

And yea,
working is about growing up , while i'm still young .
Once i'm an adult, growing up will be about working .
A big lol .
Check out .

Rap: Some Stains

2010-12-08T22:09:00.005+08:00

Hmmm..
Here's what it is .

I used to hear the saying of how cold the world is
how many people have been praying to grab hold of world peace
if an air of cordiality pervades, that I would wish
to put an end in animosity so all these madness would cease
if milk can be processed and be turned into cheese
it may not be the same for oil because it might just turn into grease
do you get my metaphor, you might only think you do

But I guess some stains just can't be cleaned, that's why my mind could hardly rest in peace

Clinched

2010-12-08T10:29:00.001+08:00

Alright .
Clinched .
Lets work .

Noble or Malice?

2010-12-06T19:46:00.004+08:00

Alright .

Well, this is the main issue .
I'm going for a job interview tomorrow .
This time, the manager would not be my cousin . Hahahaa .
.. And all the memories about my previous work experience kicks in .

I'm not nervous about the interview .. Not even close .
If I get the job, then my anxiety would start .
I just don't know whether I would be able to give my commitment to a job ..
to have higher authorities ordering me around and such .
I resented all those .

I remember one night (or rather early morning), close to 1 am,
I would have just returned home from work .
Settled down .. picked up my guitar and strum my sorrows away .
Yea, I was still depressed during that period .
Working last time .. the money helped a bit, but the experience was hurtful .
I really felt marooned .
I felt like crying every night.. even during work .
Damn, I can still imagine how negative and solemn I was back then .
How pathetic .

Thank you to the girl who gave me support during those days .
Man, emotional support .. I needed that more than ever back then .

I won't compare myself to other people .
Hahaa . Hmmm.. I believe i'm just growing up .
Yeah, it sucks . But I have to work as if I am schooling when i'm an adult .
Hmm.. I'm gonna pull myself together .
Once again, i'd have to do it, alone .
Oh well, let's just do it Shahrul (:
(*Stop being a pussy*)
Anyway, eyh..
...I could have sworn I heard st..
Ahahahahaa :D

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Alright, moving on .
Noble or Malice ?

I'm sure by now you guys would have heard about the campaign for Children' Rights, yea ?
Check this out .
One time, it's to be supported . Hence, people changed their DP to cartoons and such .
Now, it's to be detested . Hence, people changed back to their original DP .
Why? Because there is this rumour about the campaign was launched by a group of pedophiles .
It was stated that their motive was to get children to accept their friend requests .
Children would be more inclined to accept such requests from strangers with cartoons as their DP .
It's a thought to be disgusted . Then again, the idea would be quite effective, wouldn't it ?
(Furthermore, it's the Child Awareness Month, somewhere I read . If it really is, then wow ..
What a smart bunch of people .)
(Yea, we can learn from this)
That is, IF this counter-campaign is even true .
The one I see on facebook currently is pretty much the same when I researched over the internet from other sources .
Particularly, the word ,"News" .
Simply said, it's amazing how people would believe such proclaims just because it says,"in the NEWS.."

What the .
Here's the outcome from all the buzz created .
People actually believe word for word what is being said without actually checking out other sources for ..
I don't know . Justification or.. Reliability perhaps ?
We all can learn something from this man .
But ..The campaign did state something about ," until 6 december"
So... If this pedophile thing wouldn't have surfaced, then I suppose people would revert to their original DP
after 6 of december, knowing that they've sincerely(or just for the sake of following other people)
supported a good cause .. and then continue with their lives .

Well, here's the deal .
If the campaign is sincere, then it has proved successful trying to raise awareness to the people of my community .
That's good .
If the campaign ain't, then ... I won't consider saying anything about it .
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Oh yea . Lately, more and more people I know are Talking to the moon ..
Even in messages .
The moon .. Hmmm .
Well hey, we always got to smile even when we are sad inside, right ?
Just to let the lone star in the night sky know that the full moon never stops thinking of it ..
You can always expect something heartwarming from The moon, yea (:
For he really has. But the moon and the star just have to connect ..

Alright . Be cool (:

Phobias And Distorted Thinking

2010-12-04T22:38:00.002+08:00

Alright, lets get it started .

Well, there are many words that probably you've already learnt .
Perhaps even classifying them as easy words .
I have learnt of many such words throughout my secondary school days but,
I realise that I don't really employ them colloquially .
(Honestly, i'm not sure whether my previous sentence was correct . But i'll just try anyway .)

Check out my friend, Hakim .
When I used to hang out with him, he would attempt to make sentences using words that are not commonly used .
Say, Epitome ? Hahahaa .
See, we need more people like him to cultivate this practice so as to produce a more linguistically apt community .

From now on, i'll start to explain certain word usage, or anything else for that matter, here and there .
Even so for myself as well as some people, we aren't sure at times which words would be correct to use .
For example, Practise and Practice .
PractiSe is the verb form whereas PractiCe is the noun form .
I believe that such small measures taken as shown would hopefully go a long way .
It's the littlest things that we tend to overlook .
So if you get to learn something new by reading my blog, then i'm glad for you (:
This way, we can all improve ourselves together !
Although yea, i'm not thaaaaat good in my language . I just.. make attempts .
Okay, so lets move .

So yea .
I'm sure you all have heard about phobias .
Let me indicate a few of which i've found over the internet .
Altophobia: Fear of heights .
Anuptaphobia: Fear of staying single .
Arithmophobia: Fear of numbers .
Autophobia: Fear of being alone .
... and the list goes on . There are just soo many types of phobias .
Imagine someone having a phobia of having a phobia .
Get it ?
Lets see .. i'm afraid of crazy high heights but i'm not altophobic .
.. I don't want to remain single but i'm not anuptaphobic . You'd probably be called vain if you are .
.. I am lazy to calculate numbers sometimes but i'm not arithmophobic . Lol, how do they even live ?!
.. Sure i'd like some company every now and then but i'm no autophobic .
Is there any term for fears for rollercoaster rides ? Because I am HORRIFIED by such rides .
SUPER SCARED !
PETRIFIED !
and all those weird words you can find in the dictionary . Hahaha .
It'd probably be called rollercoasterophobia .
Yeah, I have Rollercoasterophobia people ! :D
Anyway, it's fun to make up -phobia words .
Do it with your friends !
For example:
*Someone who's full of bullshit comes along ..*
"AHHHHHH ....", as I ran away .
Friend: Why did you ran away screaming like that ?
Me: I can't help it . I have bullshitophobia .
Friend: *whaaaaaaaat?*

So it's confirmed, i'm going for a job interview soon .
Man, I really got to start soon .
I kind of like what it offers . And at this point of time, my situation is getting dire .
A job is a necessity to me now .

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Alright, now i'm gonna talk about Distorted Thinking .
I've found this topic over the internet (man, ain't the internet wonderful?) and i'm gonna
tell you what are some of the distorted mindsets and a somewhat explanation of each of them .

1. Mental Filter: We dwell on a bad event and let it discolour our entire view of life .
A little like the drop of ink that discolours a glass of water .

2. Emotional Reasoning: For example:
We FEEL like a born loser AND SO we believe we are one !

3. Mind Reading: We think that our assupmtions of what others are thinking are true .

4. Jumping To Conclusion: For example:
"I see some Mat Reps and their nature .
So I will not hire any Malays for a job ."
(Yea, we were not even considered for application in some cases due to our race . Yes, i'm a Malay .)

(This is especially)
5. Personalising :
We think that everything people do or say is some kind of reaction to us .
We compare ourselves to others, try to determine who's smarter or better-looking .
We tend to relate everything around us to ourselves .

Omg, credits to Aaron Beck .
Thank you soo much for your research man .

So basically, mindset plays a part .
Let me group them what i've mentioned under ME and WORLD .
ME: Emotional Reasoning, Personalising , Mind Reading, Mental Filter and Jumping To Conclusions .
WORLD: ....
So as I can see, it's all me .
All kindness or evil I do emanates from ME .
Everything is just from thoughts, which consolidate into a mindset .
How flawed can one's thinking get?
I'd admit I did personalise a lot .
I did a lot of negatively emotional reasoning .
I mind read a lot, but I left decisions to be made rationally .
I have no conclusion for this topic, for it's a process that progresses throughout my life .
And hey, don't just read . Perhaps reflect upon yourself too .
You may be perfect, I don't know .

Hahaha alright . Now it's exactly midnight .
I wanna chill through the next few hours, drinking tea from a jug ..
eating toasts with butter spreaded on their top surfaces..
Sit on this chairless chair ..
and think about life .
Yea, it's something to be thought of constantly .
Currently, I have at least.. 3 conflicts with some friends .
One is somewhat minor, two are drastic .
..Hahaa, what a life .

I don't want to mind read but ..
I know this means something to this someone .
I'm working on something, sort of a pensive adagio, but on paper .
I hope i'll live to be able to give it to you one day in this near future ..
for it'd tell you directly how I feel .

Alright . Be cool .

The Joy of Holes

2010-12-03T19:54:00.002+08:00

Alright .

Everyday, I lie on my bed or just sit on the sofa,
letting my mind divagate on memories alongside day dreaming .
I remember...

..How once, a tirade against me occured in public .
Yea . It wasn't just some angry mother shouting,
it was a vehement confrontation I had with her then and there .
I couldn't retort, it wasn't morally right .
So I remained phlegmatic, while hoping that my encounter with her didn't lead to catastrophe in each of our lives .

.. Tales are contemptible . I learn to get over it .
As men tells it, " Suck it up ."
You know, it's a skill to be able to get over something quick .
It doesn't mean putting a veil over it, as many of us do .
Come on, we do . Hahahaha .
I can get over falsehood against yours truly pretty soon .
Though, some memories, experiences and people are just bent to linger on my mind .
I'm sure it's the same for most of us .
Perhaps everyone ! But I can't be too sure .

.. I was tantalised too many a time .
Repeatedly, I got discouraged due to arousing expectations which cascaded from the daunting heights of mountains . Chey, applaudes for my flowery language :D
But seriously, I could only try and try again .
This is as general as the description can get .

I did mentioned that it's a skill to be able to get over something quick ?
Why ? So you can move on and focus on your life . Duh .
So that you are not stuck in the hole for long .
Where did the saying, " When you fall into a hole, get the hell out," came from then, right ?
Okay, I made that up . Ahaa :D
But sometimes, I like staying in such holes .
Come on, don't suddenly think assholes or nostrils or other body parts .
Nope ! Don't even think sewage manholes !
I would then make myself comfortable in the holes I was in . I'm sure some people love doing it too .
How do I know ? How wouldn't I know . They KEEP talking about it . You can hear and even read about em everywhere .
Hahahaa, wah binget siol :D
For me, I kept thinking about those issues .
I like them sometimes because they kept me pretty occupied in moments of boredom .
How do you think I never get bored ?
Finding things to do is one thing . An alternative is staying in holes .
Got to enjoy life, right ? So why not enjoy being downcasted for some time ?

Anyway, there's this chain message going on in Facebook .
It's regarding giving and showing your support for children' rights, Violence against children .
How do you show it ?
By changing your Display Picture to a cartoon coming from your childhood .
More and more people are doing so .
Just now, my friend forwarded the chain message to my wall .
Honestly, it makes no difference if I say this . But oh well, my blog .
It's not that I don't give my support for that particular children' rights .
I just don't have to be conspicuous about it .
(:

Well, I love the holidays .
I am able to spend time doing activities that I enjoy .. which a typical person wouldn't actually find interesting .
"SLEEP BETTER !...," is what i'd reckon such people would say .
Just being real right here .
Hmmm .. soo much I wanna share .
It's alright, little at a time .

Be cool .

Chinese/Japanese Gardens

2010-12-01T00:42:00.002+08:00

Alright .
Well, i'm kinda in despair .
I've just been letting it out slowly ..
Hey, this is one way of letting go of such feelings .
I feel You.. so hey,
You can try this too (:

Today, I started my day by waking up at 7 am .
Lol, I was still tired man .
I need more sleep .
Tonight, i'm gonna try to have at least 4 cycles of.. I forgot what it was called, during sleep .
Yea, I was back home in time to catch Chasing Sleep on Channel News Asia .
It's an interesting show about Sleep .
Why is sleep important ? What happens during sleep ?
Those are just a few of the many questions that are to be enlightened by watching the show .

Sleep .. I kinda underestimate sleep nowadays .
Well, I hardly use my brain nowadays .
I mean, I haven't been doing much cognitive activities .
Then again at this point of time, i'm not sure of what counts as such, so forget it .

So anyway, I went to the Singapore Zoo .
Hahaha .
I really wanna work soon .
When I have money, lets go to the Zoo together (:
I'm looking forward to go with people who can appreciate silence, enjoy nature, engage the surroundings with me .
Easy as they sound, you'd be surprised how m.. ah, forget it .
So afterwards, I met up with another one of my friends and we went to ...
Chinese/Japanese Gardens !
It's located at Lakeside MRT Station .
There will be a direct path to the location mentioned above
and you'd see it just right in front of you after you've tapped out .

The experience and time spent there with my friend was invaluable man .
We got to see beautiful sceneries ..
get bitten by dragonflies or something ..
feed fishes ..
see turtles ..
well, those were just some of the interesting actitivies that we had .
One notable one would be the feeding of fishes .
We were just walking around and saw an aunty throwing small pieces of bread into a lake .
She brought the whole loaf of bread for that matter .
I just decided to talk to her .
Well, senior citizens are a bunch of reciprocative people while very friendly .
She even gave my friend and me pieces of bread to feed the fishes too .
Ain't that cool ?
We had fun feeding fishes in the Japanese Garden man (:
Well, just don't do it at the Chinese Garden, alright guys ?

Every single day, I see something new .
I experience new stimuli in my daily encounters with the world .
I can just, laugh about it all . Serious . It's actually what makes up a major portion of the world I see now .
It's disappointing, and a guy could only do soo much .

Hmm lets see what's new ..
I don't feel like making friends anymore . Keep getting discouraged .
The way my mind perceive the interactions I have and the actions that are made by me is quite simple .
I can't say that this applies to all, but most people are the problem .
What problems are they ? Ahahaa . I can only say soo much .
This is as honest as I can get anyway .

Well, i'm quite introverted when I think about it .
Then again, am I ?
Lol.
Then you'll start hearing people passing judgements here and there .
Well, just judge la . It's just human nature anyway . I understand .

Like the saying goes,
"Just live ."

Oh, It's December

2010-12-01T00:01:00.000+08:00

Alright .

This will be a quick one .

So yea, december has arrived .
Keep seeing people hoping that December's gonna be a good month and all that stuffs on facebook .
Aha, come on la . Nope, I ain't saying anything so don't think that i'm thinking ...
Kay nevermind . Forget the psychology shit .
Currently, it's 2 am .
Just got home about an hour ago .
Class chalet was interesting .
Talked about relationships .. guys and girls perspectives and more .
Ahaha .
Ate half-cooked food .. kay la, more of like one third cooked food or so .
Had stomach aches .
Syahrulnizam's father fetched some of us and dropped us at our homes .
Thank you, sir !
Finally, got to see what his father looks like .

At this period, the Large Slurpee at 7-11 outlets are on sale for only $1 .
Cheap or whut ?
Anyway, why is it called Large ? The other size is Giant .
Why not Small and Big ?
Marketing strategy, huh ?

Anyways, got to wake up early tomorrow .
What do you think of a job interview at the Zoo ?
I need to wake up at 7am later . What the heck am I awake at 2am now ?
Gonna be another 2 hours of sleep night . Why ?
Come on, I don't sleep that early . Yeah, 2am is considered early for me .
Gonna sleep probably at 4 or 5 .. lol . Got to force myself to sleep .
Sleep was a scary experience for me at one point of time .
Especially last year .. so many drama .
Basically, I think crazy a lot of things when i'm about to sleep .
FACK ! In the afternoon tak nak pikir, when wanna sleep ..
soo many thoughts just poured into my mind at a sudden .

Anyway, this is the main issue in my mind .
The concept of knowing yourself profoundly well .
It's not a new topic to most people .
Once again, and I still am, disgusted .
Not at myself , nor towards the general lot .
Oh yea, got to sleep .

Be cool .